The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last thing I wanted to do Friday night was go to my F2F meeting. I haven't been feeling the best physically, mentally or spiritually and the depression is soooo huge and overwelming right now, and didn't really want to rain on anyone else's holidays and good times.
As I layed there in bed half asleep, napping before the meeting, my sponsor called. I didn't answer as I wasn't awake enough, but the call woke me up. I talked myself out of going to my meeting 20 different ways, the last one being "well I'll listen to my sponsor's message and if she isn't going-then I won't go:), and it was only about 15 degrees out and I was nice and warm and comfy in bed. She couldn't make it, so I was satisfied for about 5 mins. Then I remembered a friend from my F2F meeting telling me early on "when you REALLY don't want to come-that's when you NEED to be here" so off I went. I did some praying, got up, got half dressed, layed back down, prayed some more and got back up.
Called my sponsor on the way and talked to her the whole way there. She reminded me one thing I keep forgetting........that is is perfectly OK to feel down!!! I'm always so upbeat that when I get into a depression I am just miserable and hate myself and isolate. She reminded me that it is ok to feel like crap and that even though it SUCKS for now, I will move through it and just to feel it and not fight it so much. She reminded me that FEAR IS NOTHING MORE THAN LACK OF FAITH-and WOW have I been afraid lately, another emotion I don't know how to deal with. And in the meeting I was reminded that "SHOULD" is a warning word to us AlAnon's..........lotta shoulds this week for me too. I was reminded that who I am is enough and I am good enough. A woman in our group reminded me that during times like these the group is there for me to lean on, they are family, and that meant everything to me.
I was reminded when doing my readings last night, that the challenges and losses in my life that I have been going through were chosen for me by my HP so that I can grow more spiritually and I need to stop and appreciate these challenges for what they are.......gifts--even though sometimes it isn't always easy to see them as that....especially being a reactor:)
I'm still tired, and now to add to injury I am coming down with a cold or brochitis which may postpone my surgery-who knows. I feel like crap inside and out and even look like it right now, but ya know what??? IT"S OK-I'm allowed to feel like crap:)!!!!! I'm working my program, struggling now, but NOT giving up, just being still and feeling what I feel which is sad, depressed, scared and afraid........BUT..........THIS TOO SHALL PASS............Every life has peaks and valleys..........I'm just in a valley right now, but my HP is here with me and together there is nothing we can't face..... Keeping the faith, Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Flex them recovery muscles Shelly....FLEX!! It's okay to feel that way but insane for doing it on purpose when you have other choices. In support of you feeling on top of your game again with love. One of the things I do when I am in that condition mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally is to grab my blankee and go curl up in the palms of my Higher Power and snuggle and doze securely. Pillow of course and my HP allows teddy bears or rabbits if I wanna...((((((Shelly))))))
Wow, a lot of excellent remindes in this post, glad I stopped by. The word should, well, I learned long ago that it is a guilt laden word and yes, I deem it dangerous. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. I release the word should as much as I can, I can choose to do something or not but Im sure not going to feel guilty about it. I also no longer use verbage like - you are giving me a headache or you make me feel like this. No one can make me feel anything. They are my emotional reactions, period. I own it & Im not going to give up my personal power by allowing you (everyone else) to control me anymore. That was difficult to change but Im grateful I have.
I usually say, challenges are an opportunity for growth ~ love the spiritual message.
Of course its ok, to be down, it is natural. We are human beings and the down times are a contrast to the other time. If we were up all the time, we wouldnt know it without the contrast and we'd end up taking those "high on life" times for granted.
For me, I know when I project one iota, I do feel fear. Future events arent real and it is a lack of faith. It is also us, going back into control mode and thinking we know what the future hold. When I come back to right now, I can surrender my controlling self to HP and practise faith that God will take care of me and the outcome. I had to fire myself from that position/job as I tried to play god in my own life long enough. As long as I do stay in the here & now, I am open to the unlimited possibilities HP has to offer me.
Great insight, keep working it for YOU. Kudos to drag yourself to that meeting and lean on the program and use the tools in ur toolbox.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
