The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been along time since I have been here and my story is very long, I will make it short...
My husband left last year for two months, went to detox and then a half way house.
He also moved in with a woman he met and lived with her for the 4 weeks prior to ending up at my door sick about where he ended up. Had everything in his truck and wanted to come home. I of course, forgave him and was happy he was home. I knew when he was gone where he was, we have two children and he hardly saw them. Well after the first two months of bliss like a honeymoon, he started using again, which I did not know....
until about the 6th month....
and then he was honest with me, he almost died from it and a Dr. that he now sees basically saved his life through treatment and holistic medications for his brain....
he has been sober for 6.5 months. I am very proud of him. Our marriage has been okay
I thought, when we did have issues if we did, he would always take the ownership and apologize just to keep things on the straight and narrow ( i came to find this out just recently when he tells me 3 days after Thanksgiving he wants a divorce!
Day after Thanksgiving we are shopping and he is bragging about me to perfect strangers about how much he loves his wife, I am his best friend etc.....
To me things were okay, I had to have a Hysterectomy on the 10th of Nov
so we havent been intimate but I dont think that would be a reason to do this.
Well, he moved out yesterday. He is now in his own apartment and the kids and I are here at home again.... he tells me he thinks we will be better as friends
he doesn't have it in him to work on US anymore....
I do not get it
how do you love someone, I mean really be happy with someone as we were
faking in my face that all is well, when he was clearly just taking ownership for things
he felt he should not, but then go to this extreme.
He says he needs to do this for him. He needs to live his life according to him. He doesn't want to answer to anyone, he wants to just continue to know who he is.
He has never been sober this long since I have known him, in almost 9 years...
After all I have been through with him before he left the first time, all the lies, deceit, the use, then after he comes home, what he had done while gone, now home and used again for 6 months, and now sober 6 months and leaves me, says he wants a divorce, and I am sitting here, like WHAT? I don't get it.
I AM taking care of myself. I am in counseling, I go to church, I read my books etc.....
I am still just sitting here, like WHAT just happened?
feeling like I am not worth it to him......he tells me, I don't have the drive in me
to try for this marriage... a switch just clicked and that was it, he says.....
Thanks for letting me share......
BTW: Its not another woman, this I am certain of, its like he wants nothing to do with anything right now but doing his own thing....
when he came home, he was like I will never leave again, promised my 6 year old that....and he leaves again.
-- Edited by codependent_who_knew on Sunday 13th of December 2009 03:50:22 PM
It's so hard when this happens. I know part of the reason I stayed with my alcoholic ex for so long was a feeling of "I've put so much into this, I should stay and get the investment out of it!" Probably the people who invested in Madoff's funds were thinking the same thing. It's infuriating to think that we put up with so much for so many years, and kept things together as best we could, and worked twice as hard because our A's weren't contributing, and then we're "repaid" by being left in the dust. Like, didn't they know there was a contract that if we put a mammoth amount of energy into it, they would have to appreciate it?
I think the fact that alcoholism makes people crazy isn't a saying. Most of the time they don't even know what they want. They're not any saner when they stop drinking. It takes them years to get past all the insanity. In the meantime the insanity still affects us. That's why we have to get our own recovery front and center, and not wait for them to get sane before we make our lives work.
I hope you can get to lots of meetings. Hugs to you.
Co-de please plan on sticking around this fellowship for a while. If you have not reached the point where anger sets in you are going to want to be around the fellowship that understands what you have just and are going thru like Mattie has partly offered. When you reach anger, sometimes it turns to rage and often the rage and anger is self directed...you get to beat yourself up after the disease has done an almost complete job already. Many in the MIP fellowship are also members of the Al-Anon Family Groups all around the world where there are others just like you going thru exactly what you are going thru. MIP will help and so will Al-Anon. You can find face to face meetings for the family group in your area from the meetings link on the MIP face page of afgwso.org/meetings. You have arrived at a place where tons of help, support and love are available and you don't have to do this alone. You have done the best you can trying to find love and happiness in an abnormal situation. You can stop now. Welcome home and participate. (((((hugs)))))
I read my books - do u attend f2f meetings ? u need support people who can answer a phone when in trouble or meet for coffee . Your husb is 6 months sober he is stark raving sober - dosent have a clue what he wants . this is a selfish disease drunk or sober it is always a ME ME Me. Your going to be okay , find meetings take care of yor kids and your own needs , you have done this before u know what to do . Your not worth it to him ??? Please you deserve to be treated better . Louise
I think.... we tend to look at our A's decision-making patterns through our own eyes, and question openly why they don't see the world like we do..... I am certainly no expert, but this one seems to fall into that age-old category of: "until you love yourself, you cannot love another"..... He doesn't sound like he loves himself, and hopefully he is working on that....
Same thing, ultimately applies to you (or me, or anyone). How are you doing, falling in love with YOU?? Try spending some real time with you, in your recovery, and see what transpires..... it may never get "him" back, but I'd guess that you will, at minimum, get YOU back.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
