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Well I guess abit of history, I have been with an alcholic for the last 4 years. It wasn't completely apparent in the beginning, but the last year or so has been very bad. He has had a couple of stints with rehad, in fact just came out today. He is very positive and really wanting to try. Starts his AADAC courses on Monday, and has even left for an AA meeting tonight..........why do I feel the way I do???
I know that all of this is good, but why do I feel like he is sooooo disconnected. Yes he has been that way for awhile, and I do know that he loves me and wants us to be together, but it is soooooooo hard. I feel guilty that I have these negative feelings when he is trying.
But there is soooo much anger and frustration built up inside. He came home and went to bed, I had to tend to our son who wants to see his dad and he doesn't have patience for him. He talks about the people he was in detox in and how he can talk to them for they understand. I find it sooooo demeaning that he feels that I can't understand. He doesn't ask how I am feeling, he doesn't seem to see how exhausted I am. I do everything for everyone, I also have 2 children from a previous marriage, so there are 3 kids all together.
What is my problem?? Where do I go from here? He gets his help and I am stuck here, going to work, tending to the children and the house. Being everyone "Bitch"
Aloha Confused...If you take the time to look back on the many previous post from others who found their way here from inside a relationship with an alcoholic you most likely will have an Aha!! moment. You are not sooo different and still you are because you have just arrived yourself. I was that way myself; I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what the hell was happening to my life and what had happened for the first thirty years of it either. However honestly there is help here and it takes honesty and willingness and patience to sit down and read and reach out more for help and to have faith that those who have found real help in recovery can be trusted to support you.
For me what worked was not having MIP available to me or even a computer then...My link was the telephone and some mysterious how I got connected to the hotline number for Al-Anon. That number is in the white pages of your local telephone book or you can enter the link on the face page for MIP and locate meetings close to you...times and places. The Al-Anon Family Groups are all over this planet...that means that you are not alone in what you have been and are going thru now. You are not alone. Find the meetings and you will find the people and the literature and the help that has saved mine and so many other people who are compulsively addicted to trying to save an alcoholic or two who are not trying to save their own lives. Alcoholism is a disease...It is a primary disease registered in the Medical Journal of the American Medical Association and other countries. It is rampant and it sucks drunks and non-drunks in by the millions.
Welcome home. Look for the hotline number, get to as many meetings as you can for the next 90 days, get and read as much literature about alcoholism and how it is related to what you do and how you and what happens to your life and the lives of your kids and such and read it all. Learn the 12 steps and 12 traditions and the Serenity Prayer and what a Higher Power is to you and to your sanity...Learn what many of us have learned and done. You will get a life back better than the one you have now. It won't be just given to you...you will have to work for it. Glad to have you come in.
You need support too, just like ur A is getting from ppl that understand your perspective. I am not an A, so I wouldnt understand how they feel or that compulsive trait they posses. Best way to help him with his program, is for u to get one of ur own. Focus on YOU and detach from what he is or is not doing. This helps you and him. As long as we focus on them, we lose ourselves and we are feeding the disease. We are out of control and helpless as long as we fixate on them but if u focus on YOU, u will find your personal power again.
We have a chat room here, that offers 24/7 chat and 2 daily mtgs. Talking to others in real time that understand your feelings, is incredibly healing. This is the appropriate place to share and get support, ur A cant do that for you. He is has to focus on himself and face his disease on his own, as it is personal, spiritual, just like you have to face and deal with YOU.
Know that you are not alone, anymore, we are here for you and do understand.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
He's right - you don't understand what he's going through. For so many years my husband would get mad at me because I wouldn't listen to him complain, he would claim that I don't care. I kept telling him that he needs to talk to people who understand what he's dealing with and that I can't help him. It's not that I didn't care, I just didn't "get it."
You need to focus on you. You need to find your own support system. I highly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. Some even offer child care (so look into that). Also, if your husband is as serious about recovery as you say, he should support your need for your own recovery and be willing to watch the kids while you go to a meeting (just my opinion though).
I have been with my ABF for 4and a half years also. Today he is in recover and feels a million miles away from me. I have all the feelin that you have listed. I run my home, work full time and have no support. I have been getting really resentful towards him as he just needs space and can not give me what I need. I too get pangs of guilt because I know he really does need to totally concentrate on himself if he has a chance in hell of fighting this. Today I am trying to face reality. He can not support me at the mo he carnt even take care of him. I have been going to lots of meetings, coming on here, reading and talking on the phone. I realsie we are both very very sick part of my sickness is self pity, resentment, guilt etc etc. So I am going to take a leaf out of his book. I am going to through myself into the programme, take care of my needs and mix with people who can offer me some suport. This disease will build a big wall between you and your partner if you let it, I do not know how me and my ABF are even in contact. All I know is wether this relationship makes it or not I am sick of feeling angrey and negative so I am going to change the things I can me, my thoughts and behavior.
You are not alone...You are NOT alone....I was saying the same things to myself about a week ago. Then I realized "I" need my own support group. "I" need to work my own al-anon program. My gf will have 10 years sobriety in Feb2010. The reason for this ....she attends a million meetings a week...ok maybe not that many...but it feels like it sometimes ! Then there are the phone calls and texting to all of her AA people. In fact, she is out with AA people as I write this. I thought..my Gosh...um...hello...I am here. But she NEEDS her fellow AA people. They do understand from a perspective that I don't. I have to accept this for her sake and let go...that is not always easy. But I am finding that when I focus on working MY program it helps me not to feel so alone and all of the other feelings that go through my head and heart as a result of her going to her AA friends.
Give him time to begin the program and work out all of these new things and new way of life (a sober one). He is use to living a different life and this will take time. He NEEDS his AA friends and program and will FOREVER to stay sober one day at a time. I truly can relate to how you feel...please for his sake, your sake, and your children...be patient and pray...work your own al-anon program for YOUR sanity and well-being. I wish you all the best.
-- Edited by wolfpup on Tuesday 15th of December 2009 11:09:51 PM
-- Edited by wolfpup on Tuesday 15th of December 2009 11:10:29 PM
