The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm in kind of an unusual position -- I took my codie tendencies to whole new complicated lengths. I had an alcoholic husband, and after a lot of turmoil I realized he wasn't going into recovery and I couldn't take it, and so we split up. I was helped through this by a close friend who was a pillar of AA and had many years in recovery -- and then at a crucial point he relapsed, leaving me in the lurch in several painful ways. Well, after that I thought I had learned my lessons about alcoholism.
But then I got involved with a man who I was very sure wasn't an alcoholic. And I was right, he wasn't. But it turned out his adult son is one (and I suspect also a heavy drug user). I watched it all happen again before my eyes -- the denial, the lies, the money mysteriously disappearing, the lost jobs, the court involvement, all of it. And my friend refuses point-blank to believe that his son has a problem with alcohol. He pours literally thousands of dollars into trying to help his son; he has been supporting him for years. And every week comes another reason the son desperately needs money. When he doesn't get it, he threatens suicide. He threatens it every day for weeks at a time. My friend's only reaction is to give the son more money. I tried to talk about codependency, recovery, Al-Anon, etc., but he wasn't having it. "You want me to abandon my son!" So I tried to detach, which was very painful as I saw this happening again and again.
So the upshot is that my friend declares that he just "can't" have a relationship until his son is on his feet (though it's been more than ten years that his son has been adult and dependent on him). He doesn't have any spare money to get together (we live in different cities), and indeed is thousands in debt from trying to save the son. So he's ended the relationship. I knew this was coming, and it's not the only problem in the relationship. He has some tendencies of a dry drunk anyway.
But I'm in the weird position of reeling from being not with an alcoholic this time, but from being with kind of a help-aholic. It's just as awful. And I just hate this.
I know I'm better off out of this, but the impulse to contact him again (after the official "end") is so strong. If this is the kind of craving alcoholics have, I feel for them.
Experience? I don't have experience along this line, so can't help you there...Hope? In this situation I wouldn't hold out any....Strength? If I were in this situation I would probably consider that waiting for his son to find himself is not the only reason he ended the relationship. Then I would try to summon the strength to let it go. You can do it. Nothing positive for you will ever come of this.
You realize in your head that you are better off out of him...now, as you move on, your heart will soon be grateful that you did.
Happy holidays,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Everybody here knows what its like to want to help someone else, to want to get a enlightened thought into their heads, lol. None of us has the power to do that, obviously. You are powerless to help either of them. But you can help yourself. Focus on YOU and detach with love from what he is doing. Working a solid program on your own, is the best way to help him, remember this is a program of attraction. I tried to leave pamphlets and cajole ppl to come to alanon, it doesnt work that way and they resent you for it. We all have to learn to mind our own business in that way.
What they are doing, is their choice. If dad thinks he has to hold his adult son's hand, then he is stuck in that codie-enabling realtionship. Remember too that we all heal in god's time, not ours. Focus on YOU & detach with love.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can only relate one story about this same type of situation . Late one night I was in this room when a lady came in saying son had just called and threatened suicide if he didn't get 5000. now said he had people who were going to kill him as he owed gambling debts , he was an addict , there was a man in the room i hadnt met before and he posed a question to the lady which really floored me . He pointed out that son was probably lying , she agreed but was not willing to risk it * - he then asked how she would feel if the money she gave him tonite was the ( hit ) that killed him ? You know u cant do anything about your friend and his son , get the focus back onyourself and leave them with thier problem . You will be okay regardless , it will pass .
