The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this source...new to a lot of things as I am finding out. I moved up to NC from FL last year to be with someone who made me happy. As time has gone on, I have found out what his true self is like. He is an angry alcoholic. One who snaps at a split second notice, one who says the most degrading things to me, one who seems to enjoy emotionally knocking me down. The problem is...I love him, I feel as if I left I would be failing him. His family has become my family here and his mother begs me not to leave him. I have been here a year and have no true friends because he didn't like me to have any. He accuses me of infidelity if I am 5 minutes late from coming home from work. I just received a promotion and it involves travel and that has NOT set well with him even though he encouraged me to go for the job. I don't know what to do. I am embarrassed and ashamed to call my parents and tell them this is happening. I don't want my friends back home to know. He has made me feel so low to where I am having to convince myself that I am a good person and that I do not deserve it. He will not get help and I am scared to leave him. I am scared of being on my own, lonely, not knowing anyone so far away from family but I am too embarrassed to move home. I cant be alone on the holidays and my work schedule will not allow for time off right now. I am a people pleaser. How do I deal with this? I think I need help.
Becky, You have come to the right place. Here you will find you are not alone in your pain or fear and that soo many others understand. Please, keep reading, go to a meeting. They are everywhere just about and there you will find friendship like you never dreamed. People who love and accept you just as you are.
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
Becky, Welcome to the family, you are in the right place.
I isolated from everyone when my soon to be ex husband and I were both in very bad places. I too was embarassed and didn't want anyone to know. I didn't have his mom begging me to stay with him, but she was afraid of what would happen if I left him.
Something that helps me that might help you is the 3 C's of alanon. I didn't Cause it! I can't Control it! I can't Cure it!
My "A" (addict) was an "A" before I met him and he continues to be an active addict now that I am not so much in his life. Nothing I could ever say, do, act, whatever could stop his using or not. I could be perfect (which I know I am so not ) and he would still use. I could never be enough to make him stop using...because his using is not about me, it is about him.
I used to be afraid of being alone, but when I took an honest look at my marriage I realized I was alone. I was a married single mother. I was the sole bread winner. I was the responsible one. After sometime I did what was best for me and it may not work for you.
We are here for you. You are not alone and at some point you will hear your story. We are here to offer you our experience, strength and hope. You get to take what you like and leave the rest!
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Aloha Becky. I also am glad you found MIP. Thru MIP you can also contact the Al-Anon Family Groups for more active face to face support and love and workable experiences. You are not alone now. There are many here that know exactly how your shoes fit. Feeling afraid because you are hooked up deeply to a sick, jealous, threatening, scary drunk is how to really feel fear. Shame also...how did you ever get into this mess and how can you let family and friends see and surely judge you? Don't let shame stop you from calling family and friends back home and telling them you've made a mistake...you've made mistakes before and chance are there are at least a few more in your future if you are as human as I am. There are lots of other character defects that come with the alcoholic outside of being chemically dependent. All kinds of stuff that took me into college to understand what the hell I had gotten myself into even when I was trying not to get myself into it. You are not alone and if he is adamant that he doesn't have a problem and that his problem is you; you have to find another way to love than how you are doing it now. Try loving yourself and caring more about yourself so that you find a safe and secure life. If his mother is begging you to stay its because she needs a substitute for herself and her failure to save him herself. She needs you to need him so that she can have him...does that make any sense. My ex mother-in-law when I was married to my alcoholic wife begged me not to go and to help her daughter stop drinking. She was asking for the impossible because she tried the impossible and prayed for it. She never got into Al-Anon and learned what I did and so she never came to an understanding in recovery.
You've made a mistake and mistakes can be undone if you have the courage to change the things you can. I did even after I first didn't believe what I just said to you. I also said I loved her and then found out that I was in love with being in love and was actually in fear of her and the consequences of her drinking. I was also afraid of how I was treating her because I was so resentful and rageful. I had to change the things I could and the first one was me. That is what the Al-Anon Program of recovery is...you cannot change the drunk and you can change yourself.
I am glad you are here and hope you stick around and keep coming back. I believe you have gotten a hold of not a happy drunk but an angry, fearful, insecure one. Not good...Keep help handy.
your story brings me back to the first real A in my life. A BF that I had from age 17-23. You are lucky because you are learning about alanon now. Apply the principles and save yourself from a lot of pain.
The thing that scares me in your post is the isolation and the accusations that your BF uses. Emotional abusers do that (and they leave scars!)
Keep coming back here. it is a good place and you are not alone.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
) and he would still use. I could never be enough to make him stop using...because his using is not about me, it is about him. 