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Once again, thanks for the prayers so much! Daughter called today and I twisted her arm to come home to have some of her past due birthday cake and open her cards. She came home since her dad wasn't here. Gosh, I wish my hubby would go to alanon etc. Anyway, we had a nice visit. She even talked to my parents on the phone to say thanks for the card and money. ( I did dial the phone ) We had a nice visit. I mentioned 2 things (car insurance, college bill) which she smiled and said okay. Well, back to saying it once is okay but saying it more than once is controlling. That is a tough one for me now. It is hard to watch her go into a financial bottom. But, I am going to have to be strong on this one. She was getting some things to go camping for a NA (narcotics anonymous) campout weekend. She said it is sort of like a round-up. She did go to AA last night. I heard her talking about it on the phone to her boyfriend. I asked her how the AA group acted when she went. She said they gave her lots of support for admitting she drank since so many will do it and never admit it at meetings or own up to it or else they won't return either. The conversation didn't go any further. She really didn't want to talk much with me. She cleaned out her hamster cage and finally gave her kitten attention. She kissed and hugged me goodbye. She approached me. She caught me off guard.
Well later on, her AA friend came over to pick up her sleeping bag, etc. My daughter had called and told her dad (my spouse) what she needed and that her friend would pick her stuff up since she was in a hurry and needed to shower. I am sure she was avoiding her dad again. That is between the two of them. This friend shook my husband's hand and introduced herself and told him she has been sober for 3 years. She told him my daughter needs to be around non drinking friends too. I am sure my daughter has told this girl about her relationship with her dad and how he gets so nuts. I just don't understand why if this girl has been sober for 3 years she was willing and did go to some bars with my daughter the night of her birthday? In my state there is a law that you cannot drink until 8am on the day of your birthday. My daughter and this AA Friend went to two bars to dance/play pool but my daughter was carded (cause she looks 18 ) and kicked out. I just can't figure out why this AA friend would go with her like that? OH well.
I have grown alot again in alanon. I see how much I did detatch with love and how much I did not detatch with love even though I was trying so hard. With my daughter's suicidal background behavior and attempted suicide while drunk, I was so concerned. That part was not something I could just put out of my mind and not repsond to. I am thinking of asking my daughter if the two of us can meet with her addiction counselor so I can process this relapse. I am not pleased with just sweeping things under the carpet. That is my plan to take care of me. I am sure my daughter will be willing to meet too.
This alcoholism is such a horrible disease. I hate the manipulation and the personality that comes with it. I don't want to shorten my life span because of her disease either! I want to live my life. I am going to try to focus more on me as I have been trying to do. Now, I am going to be going to be with my alzheimer mom while my dad is gone for a week moving their belonings from AZ to ND. So, I need to rest up for that week with mom. I know I could not do this without my Higher Power/ God and my support with all of you! Prayers do help too! Working our program is a must. Without the program I would be as crazy or crazier than my spouse. My psychologist told me this week that I use to be just like my husband. That was an eye opener for me! She is right. I am having more compassion for my spouse too. He does try to listen when I talk about alanon skills. I even heard him telling my son things I have said to him when our son called and was upset about his sister. When she drank on her birthday, she called him and told him she was doing it. That was cruel of her in my opinion! She called him twice! My son may need to try alanon too. Who knows why she chose to get him into her drama? He is the one she is jealous of etc. It doesn't pay to figure out an alcoholic, this I know. What a waste of energy. Time to put my energy on me. Time to find my serenity and go on my camping trips :) One day at a time. Who knows why my daughter has alcoholism? At least she can choose to not drink. A diabetic cannot choose to not take thier insulin. So there is hope for her if she chooses. It is her choice. My choice is to not enable her. My choice is to work my program and to keep coming here! cdb :)
My prayers are always with you, as I believe I am just now facing the beginning of my daughters adult problems, possibly to include drinking and maybe drugs... So far, there has been only one episode, but severe enough that it almost cost her education in high school with an expulsion. It's difficult cause my daughter has a 6-7 grade academic level, although she is a sophomore. :( Her dad keeps her in the codependent relationship by pulling her into his life as a drug/alcohol user-- now in jail for 100 days, soon to be out though. She asked him if he is going to stop drinking at one point during his stay and his response was absolutely not, but I will certainly not drink and drive. (That of course is why he is jail).
We've had tons of counseling in the 9 years since my divorce to their dad and I'm hoping my daughter comes out of this stage she had for only 2 months when her dad first went to jail and not follow in his footsteps. Although, he continues to tell her how much he loves her and slips in the statement, "You'll take care of your Daddy when you get older, won't you?" It is disgusting cause he has done this to her since she is 9 years-- since our divorce. The last thing he said to me is that I'd never make it on my own and that no man would want me with two children and since has manipulated the children or tried financially to destroy me by not paying so many medical bills that had pertained to my daughters counseling or seizure disorder. :(
I'm sorry, this post was about your daughter and how it effects you-- but has triggered what is occuring with my daughter. She is 16, soon to be 17 and each time she talks to her Dad on the phone, our relationship for the next day or so is out of control-- she is angry, mean and downright rude to me because her Dad chooses to keep the attitude towards me and encourage her to believe that her problems are because of me, rather than to accept her issues. Of course, this is her choice though-- but being at 6-7 grade academically has to make it hard to be confident in her abilities.
I'm worried for her because of her future--- hearing your story with how your daughter makes these attempts has actually given me hope and honestly to hear that she avoids or tries to limit her relationship with her Dad gives me hope for my daughter as well. Having come from parents that did quite the same to me to deplete my confidence and ability to take care of self, I can honestly say now that I am glad that I can walk away from them when it is necessary. I also have learned that we are shaped by the influences we have had in our life throughout childhood. Some choose to move on whether it is family or not and some choose to remain in the family with the guilt of having to please their parents. It must be VERY difficult for you being in the middle-- trying to live one way, teach your daughter healthy behaviors, yet have to deal with the negative influences around.
Something I am preparing myself for is the time I will let go and allow her to go live with her Dad as she so adamantly insists lately (for her freedom and no discipline or boundaries while she is there of course). I am making 1 last attempt for her, after thousands of dollars of counseling-- approximately $100,000 over 9 years minimum to be exact. She will be attending an adolescence treatment center for 30-45 days beginning today about 55 miles from our home. Although, she only had the 1 incident of drinking and also decided not to come home two separate times over that two week period ever since her dad went to jail, I'm afraid that this will be progressive for her and if we catch it now maybe they'll be hope for her to stop before it escalates out of control. I hope she can learn the extent the enabling behavior and being enabled by her Dad's influence so that she can make her choice to not deal with him when necessary to be healthy for herself.
It may be difficult for you to see that the relationship between your daughter and husband is not the best, but I will tell you this... it may be that attitude she has to detach to that extent that is keeping her grounded. I know when I am around my parents too much coming from the abuse I've dealt with my entire world gets turned upside down, the stability and balance goes haywire because they continue to be who they are and try to have their impact on me indirectly.
I pray the best for you and your daughter. Take Care!
Thanks for sharing your situation with me. I am glad to hear your daughter has had alot of counseling. And this treatment fascility she is going into should help her alot too. Especially with her sorting out her feelings. My daughter chose to use alcohol/drugs to numb her feelings instead of counseling. She tells me that now. I found that when they get involved in the legal system they start to get some help. That helps us too because their are outside sources and consequences to keep them in line. I am sure your daughter will have your good characteristics, morals and values instilled on her by the time she goes to her dad's. I have seen that in many of my friends. You need to give yourself a pat on the back for all the good work you are doing with your daughter and to know that we are doing the best we can with what we have for today. Thanks again for replying to my post. :)
:) Not just my daughter with the counseling, but myself as well.... <sigh> It's interesting though because I've learned something from all my counseling--- that I'm just about talked out of every emotion I've ever experienced. haha I like to compare counseling to a clogged pipe that ya pour draino or something in to unclog.... :P Eventually, what was clogging the pipe opens and the water will flow freely. Our emotions are so similar when we've been taught and/or forced to suppress those feelings throughout our life. The more we talk, the easier it gets AND then eventually, expressing ourself becomes so natural that it doesn't matter what others say about us because we feel healthier than we ever have...
Of course, there is pain, but I've noticed there are two types of pain--- pain in working with the truth that eventually brings peace and pain in working in denial, which only continues to weaken our character, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. :) I choose the pain that comes with truth and making right choices cause then I can ALWAYS be certain of ONE thing--- the trust I have in God to get me through, ultimately reminding me that everything that happens serves a purpose and has been allowed by God to accomplish His purpose. Equally importantly is reflection of how I should not lean on my own understanding and He will make my paths straight, either here or in eternity.
Well, just got home from admitting my daughter for 30-45 days-- it's been a long, long, day and I'm exhausted. The nurse called though at the facility and said that when she asked how my daughter was doing, she gave her a thumbs up... Said that she already jumped right into talking with the other girls AND even has a mentor. :)
