The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sorry I haven't been here much recently. I have been reading here and there and trying to keep up somewhat, but honestly don't feel I have anything to offer anyone right now.
The past month has been so crazy, and I am fighting major depression daily. I'm sure it involves the time of year, missing what I thought the EXABF was, the pain medication I am on, and the upcoming surgery. I've had my TV blow up, my new pc blow up, and car issues. I've had presurgery tests and am still waiting to get an appt with a lung specialist about my new found lung problem-however one of the folks at work was nice enough to let me know that his dad was diagnosed with the same exact thing, told not to worry it was most likely nothing, refused to listened, went to a lung dr and they found it was cancer. Now I know he meant well but WHY???? Then I come home yesterday to find that my son's absent "father" is now taking me back to court to have his support-that he doesn't pay half the time reduced, and since he is not currently working (legal like) it will happen. Dr bills are piling up and my surgery date is fast approaching.
The depression is a HUGE struggle right now to the point that I get to work, come straight home, get in my pj's and go to bed. I just have no will or desire to do anything and can't seem to get my thoughts clear because of all the medicine. I am a powder keg of emotions, barely being able to speak about anything that I am thinking without tearing up and fighting back the floos. It was so bad today that I actually called the ex.....he didn't anwer, I knew he wouldn't, and honestly I have no idea WHY I did it or WHAT I was thinking, but I did.......and it just made me even sadder and more ticked off at him and hating him for all the broken dreams. I'm sure he's off living his life with her=whoever she is, and here I am alone. I know, I know, I know-he's sick, he has a disease,etc, but that's getting old too. Seems like making excuses for the fact that he is just a selfish, unfeeling, jerk! I know that sometimes we have to just feel what we are feeling and be in it, but this just plain out sucks. I don't like being afraid, sad, lonely or worried. I don't like not being able to think clearly. I pray things will settle after surgery and I come off the meds, but I don't like feeling like this and I don't want to wait.......and now I get to bring in the New Year in child support court....
I really just want to quit and give up. I'm just so beat from it all and I am trying to trust my HP but it's hard when I feel this way to trust or believe in anything. thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by shellyj123 on Thursday 10th of December 2009 05:43:29 PM
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Shelly: I am so so sorry you are going through this hard time. I want to invite you to lean on us. Go to the chat room, know you are cared about, looked out for. Know there are many other people who have been there and come through it. Many of us come to a brink of bottoms. I have certainly had my share. I have had many many days when I didn't know how to go on. I am so so glad you are going on with things. I can well understand the tremendous anxiety about taking care of health issues. The good thing is that you are not being paralyzed by it. You are taking action, you are walking the steps. That takes tremendous courage and stamina in itself. Be kind to yourself. lean on the program. We are here for you. You can come in and make yourself at home anytime and let it all out. We have all been in various places like this. There is no one here who is going to judge you or put their foot in their mouth. I've been there and around the bend with people making me feel far far worse.
I am so glad you came in and shared. I look forward to your next update.
I was telling a friend recently that I'm so glad I joined Al-Anon, because I've slowly built up a support-system around me. I moved thousands of miles from my old support system - my immediate family and best friend - in a very co-dependent move. My AH was supposed to be my support system. When that fell through at first, I felt very lost, scared, and depressed.
I'm now in a place where I know my HP has surrounded me with people who care and will be there for me in my worst times, thanks to Al-Anon. Thanks, even, to AA, because for me, at least, being in Al-Anon also means being a part of the AA family, even if I'm not an alcoholic. They're still family and they're still there to offer whatever support necessary as well.
Hope you can pick up that 1,000-pound phone and give your sponsor or another Al-Anon friend a call. Or drop by the chat room. There's always someone around who's there to lend support.
