My first posting

My ExABF was an immature alcoholic. This was a new one for me. I had the abusive ABF and an abusive A stepfather.  SO I thought I was doing well.  This guy drinks but hes a fun alcoholic, later to come to find a functional alcoholic as well.  I had some how stayed away from dating anything related to an alcoholic for several years.  I was doing ALANON step in a very minor way, exploring mostly.  I had confronted my A stepfather about his drinking.  I even went for a time not speaking to my family over alcoholic issues. 

Speed up a year later. Pregnant my ExABF, working a lot of hours because he was part time, my family loved him.  I spent my days worrying about how the future was going to be: bleak.  I was considered to be a control freak, his friends hated me because I was always after him (a little boy who never go enough love).   I spent countless hours defending my cause every time he asked for money for boos.  If I didnt give it hed go ask the neighbor.

Speed up today- I left him nearly two years ago.  I had to, great sadness of him not getting well, after I though I could help him.  I know now I never could.  He didnt want help, he wanted to drink.  He didnt love himself or I enough to ever stop.  That was extremely painful to come to terms that a bottle could be better company than me.  Through the stress I lost my baby.  A blessing I suppose.  Having a child face what I faced daily in that relationship would have been horrible. 

I met someone six months before I left my ExABF.  We were friends nothing more.  He was healthy.  I only saw him through a friend at functions, but we always had stuff to talk about.  Weirdly enough my ExABF always seemed to be sick when he was suppose to go.  After I left my ExABF I jumped into a relationship with him.  Bad Habit Die Hard HERE But I married him six months ago.  He knows my struggles, but doesnt understand.  I get that.  He has watched as my unhealthy family and certain unhealthy friends have abandoned me over the last several months.  At my wedding my mom and A stepfather were not present, there choice of course.  My best friends of 15 years decided to skip town before the wedding as well.  So I have been dealing with a lot.

Drama had been keeping me going these last several months, but things have slowed down.  I have been fighting a terrible loneliness ( I have found comes from being the child of an A parent).  My self esteem is shot.  Most days of late I try and hide, when I can.  At work I luck out having my own office.  At home I just am quite.  My husband has notice the change.  I shy away from people trying to find excuses to continue to be introverted.  I start reading a book on being the child of an A, suggested by my counselor.  Its helping, I am finding answers.  I am reaching out to new friends. Try that one on for size  I am also trying to find a stable ALANON group.  I have found this website and am grateful for the readings I am seeing.  It is so hard to relate to others.  I may have hit rock bottom here and am trying to climb out.  I have had a beautiful year on the whole, but I am also having a hard one.

Getting Better Takes Hard Work but the alternate is not even an option at this point. 

Thanks for listening to me..

Sick of Sadness

Alicia