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Hi all - I haven't posted in a while but am back - had the stomach flu which was nasty. I have posted a bit about my boyfriend who left his sobriety, left me and went to live with someone else for 3 weeks on a huge drinking binge. Well now he is back living with me and sober and going to daily AA meetings. He is doing pretty well. I am in alanon and trying very hard not to be move involved in his life than I am in my own. However, his behavior is different this time around. He seems to be more indifferent and distant, is this common in sobriety when it first starts again? I am trying very hard not to take the time to snoop into his life (emails, texts phone calls) like I used to do and distance myself from his process. To let go and let him be in God's hands - not mine. We got to one AA meeting a week together and I haven't been able to go to as many Alanon meetings as I usually go to because of the flu.
I guess my question is this - is it common for those back in sobriety and back in AA to withdraw into themselves a bit? To become more distant and less chatty? I try to talk to him about how his meetings are going but he doesn't want to talk about them so I just express my support in other ways. Its hard though because we had such a rift in our relationship while we were gone and all I want to do is talk, talk talk.
Everybody's recivery is different but if he doesn't want to talk about his meetings you have to respect that. I understand that need to talk, you want to make sure everything is OK and be informed, but in this matter too, you have to Let Go.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I can relate to your feelings, I have been living with my AW in soberity since April 15th this year. At first I felt just as you do. I thought I might have done something to make her feel indifferent toward me. Yes, there was a lot of silence and very little conversation for the first few weeks or month. I found out with my AW being sober in a lot of ways it was no different than when she was drinking. Over time I came to realize and accept that it was not me at all. The disease is still there wanting and begging to raise its ugly head. I can only imagine how hard it is to beat the disease and remain sober. Now if she wants to talk, I listen. If she wants to be distant I understand. I realize her moods are not directed toward me. It is the disease she is fighting and I accept that and I am so proud of her. I have never asked her about her meetings of which she still goes to 4 or 5 each week. I know she is working her program and I continue to work mine.
Jill you will get better, that is what this program is all about. It is about us and not the alocholic in our life. If we continue to go to meetings, come to this board, and most important, always take care of ourself first, we will get better. Your boyfriend is working his program and you can feel good because he is in the best place he can be. He is in the hands of his HP. There is no better place for him to be.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 8th of December 2009 04:35:45 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 8th of December 2009 04:39:43 PM
Aloha Jasobel...I also agree with the self focus being most important. I was so in the habit of other focusing and judging that I was constantly stuck in them including the alcoholic. She was my addiction and I needed to "use" her constantly because I believed that she was from where my High would come. I had not learned yet that happiness is an inside job and nothing or no one outside of me is responsible for it. On top of that when I'm focusing on another and my expectations are unreasonable (trying to expect sobriety when I didn't know what it was) I will for certain become confused, resentful and angry. All factions of alcoholism, including recovery from it is cunning, powerful and baffling and that is why I needed to be in my own recovery in Al-Anon at first and then both programs after more discovery. Being without alcohol is change for the alcoholic and they will most times act differently than when they were drinking. For me it is best to learn to self focus and let AA take care of the alcoholic. Going to open AA meetings and reading their Big Book will help some however if I really don't know what the alcoholic goes thru on the level of the disease of compulsion...mind, body, spirit and emotions I must leave the alcoholic to AA and self care. Even Al-Anon was confusing for me when I first got here and it was supposed to be. They don't teach what we learn here in school or home. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
