The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have an outdoor Christmas tree that I bought last year - I had been wanting it for a long time and found it on sale for a great price.
I decided to keep it in the garage after Christmas and didn't bother to take it apart. Unfortunately, my husband (while driving drunk) ran into it and ruined it (most likely beyond repair). I told him that when Christmas came around, he would have to buy me a new one and he agreed.
Well it's Christmastime and we can't seem to find the exact same tree. We've found similar ones and they're not as inexpensive as the one I bought last year.
Every time I drive past a house that has my tree in their front yard, I feel resentment. Every time I look in the garage and see my mangled tree, I feel resentment.
I don't even think I ever got an apology for him running into my tree. He's not even making an effort to try to fix the broken tree and has only made one attempt to buy one that is similar (but the store ran out).
How do I get past this resentment? I know it's just a tree, but it really meant a lot to me - Christmas is my favorite holiday and this was a beautiful addition to my outdoor Christmas decorations.
Boy, I know those resentments. And also that it's hard for an alcoholic to do anything that's more than one easy step.
It seems to me that there are several problems here. One is how to get yourself a new tree that you like. Another is that your A hasn't taken on board how painful this is for you, and made amends.
For the tree, it doesn't seem to me that the new one has to be as cheap as the old one. If he has the money, he should just get whatever he can get. Or you find one online that can be delivered, have him give you the money, and order it yourself.
Failing that, go out and get some other affordable Christmassy thing that makes you happy. You don't need anyone's permission or cooperation to do Christmassy things that make you happy. Christmas is bigger than just one guy. You loved it before meeting your A; it is there for you no matter what.
The fact that he doesn't make appropriate amends is a different matter. That's the boat we're all in, isn't it? If they realized the damage they cause, they would be on the road to recovery. We keep expecting they'll act like sane people.
This may be another thing to write on your private list for when you get those self-doubting feelings of "It wasn't really that bad, was it?"
How do I get past this resentment? I know it's just a tree, but it really meant a lot to me - Christmas is my favorite holiday and this was a beautiful addition to my outdoor Christmas decorations.
Hi Mom
I am so sorry that the tree was ruined I really understand the importance of this treasure You found it on sale and it was really special and you knew it would be perfect on your lawn and THE PRICEWAS RIGHT.
Since Christmas is your favorite Holiday I urge you to try to let go of the loss of the tree and find one for this year with the idea that after this Holiday you will do after the Season shopping and may find one that you love.
Program has taught me that in order for me to live happy and joyous I needed to be able to:
Let go of Anger. and Ask myself
How important is it (Should I let it ruin my Holiday)
Praying for a Happy Holiday for you and your Family
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 8th of December 2009 08:19:00 PM
Well the first thing I would do is get rid of the tree thats mangled , who needs to look at that every day do u really need the agrivation and are u going to let this ruin your xmas ? As u said he says nothing about the tree so looking at it is not bothering him one bit , but it is upsetting you . Kinda sounds like that saying that a resentment is like drinking poison every day and expecting the other person to die ain't gonna happen , your the only one suffering here,. time to let it go and enjoy the season . Louise
I can tell you how I get past my resentments... first I have to really explore my feelings, let myself feel the anger that he ruined, then I would feel the anger at myself for leaving it, in its full form, vulnerable in the garage. I mean, face it, he only did what drunks do, mess things up generally. There it was a perfect symbol that he knew u loved and were proud of the "inexpensive" score u made. Face your part in it, then gt to the pain that is deep under the anger/resentment. Then in prayer, I would genuinely get to the place where Im going to forgive myself for leaving the tree in the garage in the vulnerable position (if it isnt locked up, if its out there, its open season for an A to crap on it, u know) maybe even forgive myself too for thinking my A wouldnt muck it up. And ask HP to help you forgive yourself and maybe even ur AH for thinking he would be different.
The forgvieness is not for him, it is for YOU so u can release that tie/hold. B/c right now u are tied to ur AH in this anger, and it certainly isnt going to bother him. Forgiveness releases you and frees you. We dont forget but we can forgive.
Then if u dont end up getting the replacement tree b4 the holiday, surely u will be able to find one afterwards and on sale again. I'd just make sure I stored it in the attic or basement or somewhere else u have designated, safely.
When I left my exAH and he kept all of my stuff, including my baby pictures and home movies for my childhood - well that was hard to get over and it is stuff that cannot be replaced. Even all of my art work over all the years that we moved and my step dad A, tossed a little bit more out with each move, calling my childhood artwork, "crap" -- those are the 2 things I am stil working to forgive, as that stuff cannot be bought again. Everything else can and sure, its not the same but it can be replaced in one way or another. It's all just stuff.
This year we are in a new house (my bf & I) and all the money thus far has gone to the kitchen remodelling. This is going to be a "spriitual Christmas" as we cant really buy gifts but we can enjoy the work that we're doing and the kitchen will last forever when we're done. I've had a few "spritual Christmases" growing up, wherein we try to get more out of the holiday than what we normally do, and get to something deeper spiritually. Maybe this year u could look at it that way and ask yourself, How important is it?
I hope u have a wonderful holiday in spite of the tree incident ~ take care of YOU, whatver that looks like.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I totally understand where you are coming from, I love jewelry, I had some beautiful things, and very expensive...however one day they just walked out of my house my husband sold them and I knew it.
How do you get past resentment, you just have to let it go....I started buying new things a little at a time. I will probably never be able to replace the beautiful things I had however, I just had to let it go because it was tearing me up inside...........
Get rid of the tree and go and buy a new one if it means that much to you...of course this is just my opinion.
Resentment can eat us up inside and as you said this is your favorite holiday so why make yourself miserable, the a's can do that enough for us.
I've decided to go with a similar one with white lights, instead of colored lights (like my original one). I always liked that one too and was debating between the two of them when I originally bought it.
Right now it's $40 at Walmart. I'm going to tell my husband that if we don't see it on sale this Sunday, then he should go out and buy it for $40. He's back to work now, so I can slurge. That way I have a new tree before Christmas.
