Confused... dry drunk behavior? Please help - Al-Anon Family Group

smy922000 · Member

Confused... dry drunk behavior? Please help

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi SMY, and welcome

Can't they be lovely? Mine used to love to tell me that I was acting like his father and that I wanted to "orchestrate" him if I wanted him to get off high center and actually do something he had promised to do.

They really know how to push our buttons.

The best thing to do is to learn how not to react, or so they tell me.

Good luck,

Temple

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep going to your meetings don't stop now - Al-Anon is about you and for you a change in your attitude can bring about the results your looking for . If you have an odat go to page on july 14th do what it says to the best of your ability and your life will get better . He hasnt been sober long enough to be considered a dry drunk , this program works for us regardless of wether they are drinking or not . I love the statement his latest plan - alcoholics always have a plan everything except to quit drinking .
As for the arguments well an alcoholic will do and say anything to get the focus off them selves so be aware and don't fight , walk away , no point in trying to defend yourself or explain he has already made up his mind he's right .
Our detachment pamphlet helped me alot for a small piece of paper it packs alot of great solutions to our problem of living with alcoholism . Louise

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

give this group a shot. There are some wonderfl people here. I am now in the program a number of years. i believe it takes time, energy and focus. We come here in enormous pain wanting instand solutions and we have to put considerable effort into detaching, focusing on ourselves and many other tools. None of that comes easily. The more support you can get the better.

maresie.

smy922000 · Member

Thanks for your replies. I guess I already made some mistakes in how I have reacted to it. He is now ignoring me completely. I am at work and we still haven't spoken since last night so I have called and emailed him and he is completely ignoring me. So I have reacted and I guess that is what he wants? I don't feel like I have done anything wrong but I have to grovel and apologize??

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

I found that defending myself with the EXAH just exacerbated the situation. Actually, defending myself usually got me beaten physically, if not abused verbally/emotionally.

I've discovered through the years that sometimes alcohol gets too much credit. There are plenty of a-holes in this world who aren't alcoholic.

My EXAH wasn't a nice person whether he was drinking or not.

I refuse to live like that anymore. I no longer walk on eggshells. I no longer answer to anyone but myself and my HP. I have made a conscious decision to no longer live with active alcoholism in my home.

smy922000 · Member

That's a good point. He seems to be getting more power by ignoring me and me making the effort to talk. It is so frustrating and immature on his part. But I realize I can't change him. It is just so hard not to be upset. I do feel like I walk on eggshells and he constantly is criticizing me about the tiniest things. And when I get fed up or upset I am "denfensive".

smy922000 · Member

So this is the email I get from him - I just really need some perspective. I feel like I am going crazy.

All those words when Im sorry wouldve sufficed and that didnt even make it in there. You are an over reacting child. You react like anything that isnt a compliment is such an affront. You continue to take things to a level that is not only unnecessary but no longer acceptable. I am not going to waste any more effort trying to come to terms with someone who is so ridiculous that when called a pig for eating all the chips in a non mean way over reacts and acts like it was such an affront to their persons. The same with the lazy comment. You take yourself too serious and try and manipulate words to make yourself a victim. You are manipulative and a guilt tripper and a drama queen. That you even act like I am irritable one day after my fever breaks and refer back to the day before when I was still sick shows you self centerdness to the nth degree. Irritable? Really? How about coming off two days of 101-102 degree fever and then having to make an effort to word everything gingerly for my freakin adolescent behaving wife so her feelings dont get hurt when I call her a pig for eating chips or whatever. Really, its not worth the effort on my part to tip toe around your absurd view of yourself and inability to understand that you are not so important that everything is a personal attack on you. Its just easier to not be around you in an effort to avoid something being turned around and blown out of proportion so you come out looking like you were hurt so terribly by a comment like lazy. Lets face it. You dont change toilet paper if you dont have to. You use whatever cord is easiest at the time. You know what I meant, you really arent so perfect. None of are. I just am not dealing with it anymore. You want to be ultra offended, fine, but you will be doing it by yourself because luckily our house is big enough I dont have to sit around and watch you pout and act like a teen age girl going through puberty who takes herself so seriously that everything has to sugar coated so baby precious feewings doesnt get hurt.

blender_girl · Senior Member

((smy))

Welcome to MIP! I'm so sorry you are hurting, but if you stick around you'll find tons of support and learn new coping skills.

Something I have learned is that there are a couple of the most powerful phrases we can use when we are interacting with our As:

"You could be right"

Rather than defending ourselves and getting into a big fight, thus allowing the As to justify THEIR behavior, we acknowledge the possibility (ok, it's likely a REMOTE possiblity LOL, but we can keep that to ourselves

) that they are correct. Many times this deflates the head of steam that they have been building up.

"I'm sorry you feel that way"

This one simply acknowledges their feelings - doesn't make them right or wrong, just that they exist.

For me, the trick is to let go of their reaction/response to these phrases, otherwise I get sucked right back into the drama du jour.

When I remember to use these tools AND let go of the outcome, I gain some self-respect.

My suggestion to you is to read everything you can on detachment. Below is a link to a great article that has been posted here several times, but once more certainly won't hurt!

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Hope this helps - take what you like and leave the rest!

bg

smy922000 · Member

Thanks blender girl. I looked at the detachment article and I think this is what I need. I am trying to change how he thinks about this and I realize I can't.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi, well as far as the message you shared from him, my thought was to say to him,"And you married someone like that???"

When I learned it is the disease talking not him, I did not care about anything he said. It is all insanity from a brain that is damaged by drugs.

Would you want to respond to someone who was talking like this who had a high fever? Or would you take it personal?

This is no different. Plus I have learned thru al alnon that they are mostly speaking about themselves anyway.

We work on ourselves. When a person has high self esteem, cares about the person they are, this stuff does not affect them the same as one who does not like themselves anyway.

Having a loved one treat us like this is so hard on us. Sooooo meetings are great, and we have them here too.

I am rubber, you are glue, what you say, bounces off me and sticks on you. That strange thing always came to mind when my A was blah blah blah. lol This was after years of al anon.

The ridiculousness of what he said was almost humorus. I am bad I suppose as there were times when he would say I am going to call the cops, me oh go ahead, you won't ever do it. Or I am going to burn the house down, oh here here are the lighters over here. Thank goodness with my A we did have times when he would start laughing too.

Does not work with everyone! I learned to keep it light, or leave the room or whatever was my way.

Now it is neat to be able to tell him oh you know that is the stinking thinking thing. eh well I learned what manipulation was a long time ago.

And they, what makes you ask? or Oh you must be right!. What makes you say that?

They are so sick hon they cannot stand not to bring someone down with them. I think of them in a pit and trying to drag me in. I HATE that thought soooo now way will i allow it.

I am soooo glad you are here. The people here are full of love,controversy, caring, knowledge and more. love,debilyn

smy922000 · Member

Thanks Debilyn... I have to admit I cracked up about the oh here are the lighters over here =) I think I do have very low self esteem from all of this and I allow him to make me feel like he is right and I am a bad person. I have been so patient and supportive of him and this is what I get. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was the one who was the A I'm sure he would have left me long ago. Thanks for the words of wisdom - I am starting to feel better.

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

SMY, our partners are EXACTLY the same and my BF is a dry drunk.

That email you posted from him, could have been written by my BF.

It totally BAFFLES my mind at how in denial they are.

I'll make this up but let's say my BF dropped a sock, I would say, you dropped the sock, his reply would be this "You're ALWAYS at me, you dropped the sock and you have dropped the sock so many times. I didn't drop the sock, you are in denial about this sock, I never dropped it. You cannot focus on anything long enough to get the point"

I would react, fight back and FREAK OUT! I was just in shock at the obvious CRAZINESS!
I still react, I'm in Al Anon (3 months now) and it takes time to learn that you need to ignore their INSANITY!

These men have ZERO self esteem, zero maturity and cannot have an adult conversation to save their lives. Well they can, but not to their spouses. You will never see them talk like this to a boss or friend.
I need the power Deb has to just zone them out and ignore them. But it's so hard

To me, I cannot associate my BF's insanity to his addiction, I just think he's a plain irrational person.
He's not an ahole by any means, he just makes no sense.

-- Edited by Dyinginside on Tuesday 8th of December 2009 05:59:39 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.