The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week I had a hurtful experience, and I am still feeling sad. I sponsor three people, I do my best to always be there for them because I really care.
The day after my son's court case, I was still feeling nervous, and upset. One of the people who I sponsor called me early in the morning, I was rushing yet I took the time to speak, to listen to her. I had a deadline to meet, I told her that I would call her back after lunch, which I did. She was so angry with me, last week I saw her at the meeting, and we spoke. I hugged her, I said to her, that she was also a friend, that I had prayed for her each day, that I really cared. I thought that things were settled since we spoke on Saturday, yet this Thursday, she still seemed mad at me. She had called me two nights in a row, she did not leave me a message, so once again....I suppose I did not live up to her expectations. I am at a loss?? since I have been in Al-Anon I have never felt so hurt. Do you have any suggestions of how I can handle this situation, and have closure?? I spoke to my sponsor, yet I am having a difficult time to move on, because last night I felt so bad, because she ignored me. I really appreciate your listening to me because it helps me to vent. Thanks for being there,
Sounds like this sponsee has issues, as many of us have (lol), and maybe a little immature? You certainly did the best you could under the circumstances. You took time to talk while you were busy and called her back as you said you would.
The only thing I can think of that you might do is give her a "check up call", and just ask how she's doing. It will reassure her that you really do care. If she still has a problem, maybe she'll share it with you. Perhaps she has abandonment or self a esteem issues, or something larger that has nothing really to do with what she may think you've done.
I'm sure you are a wonderful sponsor. Your sponsee is in Alanon to fix herself, she may have not figured out that goes for all relationships, not with just her A.
Take care
Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
When i first came to alanon and got a sponser, i used to call her every day. And i was always stressed when talking to her cause of something my parents said (they are my A's) and then one day she told me i was to much stress for her and she couldnt handle it. I was so angry for telling her all my personal stuff and i felt she dumped me. But i know that i had this expectation that she was a completely recovered person and that she would be the answer to all my problems. I know that doesnt sound realistic lol but i thought it would be a miracle program and i would be healed. Im sure she will realize one day as i have that it actually wasnt her it was me and my expectations were way to high, and i expected her to be there always, didnt take her into consideration at the time because well she was an oldtimer and had SERENITY, and i didnt know better. Because all i heard when i was new was this program saved my life and i live a serene life and thats all i wanted. I didnt ignore her but i wasnt as close to her and didnt telll her my stuff anymore because i didnt want to be rejected and thats how i felt she did at the time, she let me feel the way i did though and she continued to call me to see how i was she was an amazing person with a good program. Dont take it personally her being mad its her stuff she has issues with she just doesnt realize it yet.
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 10:38, 2005-06-17
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time with your sponsee right now.
I am not a sponsor yet but I do have a few thoughts on your situation:
First of all, I think it is completely normal and understandable that you are still feeling hurt about this. I would feel so confused and vulnerable if I felt I had resolved an issue with a person only to have them give me the cold shoulder at a later time.
I have had an interesting learning experience with my sponsor. When I first got into the program, we barely talked because I didn't call her much and we never met or anything. I thought she was a pretty lousy sponsor since she wasn't taking the initiative to contact me more. After my breakup with my ex, I was so low that I reached out to her (and others) and started asking for what I needed -- phone time, face time, etc. We have a great relationship now. I guess what I am saying is that my sponsor made it my responsibility to set the tone/pace for our realtionship. I am thankful for that today because it taught me a valuable lesson about being direct.
My opinion, and this is only MY opinion, is that if your sponsee calls and doesn't leave a message, why should you call her back? To me, that kind of call means "I just want to chat but you weren't available and it wasn't that important." Even with my friends, if they don't leave me a message I don't feel a responsibility to call back. Perhaps your sponsee needs to learn how to ask for what she needs/wants...
My sponsor actually laughs with me now because I am so clear about my needs that I will leave her a message saying, "I'm in a crisis. I need to process. Call me. Thanks."
Please remember we are all in program for a reason and we are all human. It's likely you'll be able to help yourself and your sponsee the most by detaching from this situation and taking care of YOU.
You are an awesome person. Keep coming back.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Thanks very much for such an insightful information. I am not a sponsor but have been in the program for 3years.It has taken me such a long time to ask someone to become my sponsor the reason being, At the end of one year in the programme i approached a long timer and asked her to sponsor me. She suggested that i should wait abit longer to see if there would be someone else that i would like to become my sponsor other than her. At this point i was already very close to her and had put so much trust in her we used to talk most often and i learnt so much from her experienced, strength and hope. However when she turned my request down i felt rejected and very vulnerable probably because i had exposed my inner fears etc. I was unable to express my thoughts to her freely.I didnot take any action but all i could do was to pray about the situation. I kept in touch with her and i continued to tap from her wisdom. I was able to move beyond that feeling of rejection and i believe this was because i was very enthusiastic in working my programme. I had tools that enabled me to cope with this experience and I had learnt to respect other peoples'choices and needs. This woman is a fantastic person and I believe what she did was HP's will.I recently approached someone else who i was led to believe would be my sponsor, we have enourmous identification in almost everything and she AGREED TO SPONSOR ME WITH NO SECOND THOUGHT. I am extremely grateful for my patience and continued support from my alanon friends. Take what u like n leave the rest" this slogan has helped me to detach from un pleasant responses, remarks or comments. My attitude has improved greatly and even though my journey thru this path of recovery seemed slow i know is for sure.i wanted a quick fix but that was being unrealistic .The damage this disease had caused me cannot be fixed overnight *** huge hugs
