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I'm new here. I just don't know what to do. I have reached out to Al-anon before in terms of finding info. Right now, I feel like crap.
I think my hubby is an A. Well, I know he has a problem. But he's a functioning one.
In any case, I found his drinking to be a big problem. He would drink himself stupid every few months and I just couldn't deal. In particular he had one work mate, a divorced older man who was an all-around lout, whose company he would seek out in order to get drunk and stupid. So, a little over a year ago, *before* I had looked into Al-anon and learned about letting go, he had another episode, and it was awful. I did two things, one good and one bad. The good thing was I finally learned that I didn't cause it and put my foot down by writing him a letter informing him that he had a problem and I would leave him if he didnt get help. THe bad thing was I still thought I could control and cure it, and emailed his idiot work colleague asking for his help. I dont know what I was thinking. I was an idiot. I divulged to him what happened and told him that my A always comes home overly drunk when he's with him and to please for the sake of my marriage stop. The idiot colleague shared that his own drinking caused his marriage to end and said he would share this info with my AH, and that he wants to help us, etc etc. All of this without AH knowing, emailing each other behind his back. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
Anyhoo fast forward to a few months (6+) after colleague and I stopped emailing each other, and AH didn't come till 4 am one weeknite, stinking of booze and had passed out on the bus home and probably puked somewhere. I believe he had been with the idiot colleague that nite, so I (the bigger idiot) emailed idiot colleague asking him to please remind AH about the dangers of alcohol abuse, and heard nothing back.
Fast forward a few more months, and AH was applying for a promotion in the office just before the x-mas holidays this time last year, a promo he was a shoo-in for due to his work and seniority. All of the sudden while on vacation AH gets an email from another colleague and has a chat, said colleague tells him that the Idiot A Colleague has been badmouthing my AH to his boss re the promotion! And warns my AH not to confide personal details about home/wife to Idiot Colleague. AH smiles thru it, but seems perplexed.
At this point, I feel like something you'd scrape off your shoe. What was I thinking, confiding in another A? Why did I try to control the situation? It was at this point that I sought out Al-anon and learned that my AH may just seek out another unsavoury character in order to have company drinking. As well as that his disease is not mine to control or cure.
AH didn't get the promotion, and he was saddened. He got some great feedback about things he could have done better, but at the end of it, someone with less seniority got his promotion.
Months passed. He didnt hang around the Idiot A Colleague for a long time, and didn't have an episode of over-drinking to stupidity since the prior fall. In the summer, he started hanging with the Idiot again but not a big deal. A few weeks ago he had another episode but we had a good chat about it the next day. He doesn't think he has a "problem" but understands that he needs to know his limits so he doesn't end up puking/passing out and ruining our evenings.
So heres why I feel like crap right now: yesterday, he brought up how bored he is in his job and how again it was not right that he got passed over for the promotion, as he is helping the person who got it every day bc she doesn't know what he knows. He just seemed so sad and I just feel so guilty. On one hand I know, I am just triyng to rescue him again and feel as tho I can control anything and should stop and hold him responsible for the situation he put me in. I had no one to reach out to and did only what I thought I could. But I just feel awful. Absolutely horrible.
Also I'm mad at him for being so damned emotionally fragile. And for putting me in this situation. I hate alcohol!
I'm very sad about this all right now. I was thisclose to telling him about what I had said to his Idiot Colleague, when we were talking about his feelings about work last nite, but I didn't. I realized this morning that we (married 3 years) officially have secrets in our marriage now. But then again, bc of his problem drinking, we did alreayd have a secret prior to me talking to his colleague.
Im rambling now, so I'll stop. I don't even know what I'm asking for here. Maybe I just needed to get it out.
-- Edited by Wife of A on Monday 7th of December 2009 12:48:59 PM
Aloha Wife...It sounds like what you're doing is what all of us here have done at one time or another mostly another...you're asking for help. You've been to the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups before and got some help before taking control of the situation again...not so amazing that I also felt like an idiot when I tried some of that stuff however we are free to try it and anything else we can come up with from either a point of insanity or sanity. By myself I could do nothing and with the Family Groups I could do much for myself with help. Honestly I knew how to keep my alcoholic wife alcoholic and to anger her when she was under the influence neither of which of course leads to sobriety. Even as a professional substance abuse and alcoholism counselor could I get an unwilling in denial alcoholic or addict sober or clean...It just can't happen. The harder I tried the more she drank so I quit trying and sometime later she got sober. I wasn't elated as much as I thought I would be at the time because I was following up on my decision to get as far away from it as I could and to stay in the program. I am still doing that.
You've mention what you've learned in the program that worked for you and also what you have done relying on your own power that isn't. I suggest that you go back to step one in another Al-Anon open meeting. I've never seen a door get locked to a new comer or returnee. In support (((((hugs)))))
Hi there, and welcome to MIP... there is a great old Al-Anon saying, that might help you relieve yourself of some of that guilt/burden that you are carrying:
"I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time"
In reality, your hubby isn't likely in the best physical/emotional health to be ready for that promotion anyhow, don't ya think??
Be good to you
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
