The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really need to have strenght to be couragoues to take care of me for the first time in my life rather than everyone else. People have told me in the past that my kindness is my weakness. I do tend to understand another pain and then go into the fix it mode. However I have learnt from Al anon that we are all responsibile for ourselves and that I need to mind my own business and take care of me. I do not know how many of you have been reading my posts but my XABF hs had a big slip after 6 months sober. He is getting back on track but I really want out of this. I do love him but this disease is craziness. I have been really good over the weekend detaching looking out for me. went xmas shopping with my kids, even had a night out last night with my family ( have isolated my self so much due to all this). I was feeling good looking out for me. Then bang 3 oclock this morning he sends a txt that wakes me up it said Hi babe thinking of you i am sorry all the things I have put you through I am coming back now, I know who I am and what I have to do sorry for everything, love you till day i die, as I know what I have got to do.
I did not get back to sleep and have had to take day off work today. I do not want anymore promises, I do not want to be hurt anymore, I want to grieve and move on. Just as I start to pick myself up he starts to throughout the fishing line. I am not going to answer the txt. I have to get really serious now. I do not trust myself I know when he starts to show me love I get hooked again. I am truley scared, I am so sick of pain and misery. I have to let him go he has a big mountain to climb me too, he just can not give me the love I need and I hate the fact that this disease gets him to dangle the carrot only to move it out of reach once I try to grab it. I GIVE UP
-- Edited by Tracy on Monday 7th of December 2009 05:41:33 AM
This surely sounds like the courage to change the things I can part. There are no guarantees and doing change things is scary. If you do change you have got the consequences to live with...if you don't change you still have the consequences to live with. My sponsor taught me to choose the consequences I wanted and needed and then change toward them. That worked!! (((((hugs)))))
Tracy, I could have writtn your post, line for line a 20 times. It is like our A's have a radar and can tell when we have reached the bottom. They through out a life raft, helicopter and rescue squad with all the right words. I kept biting slowly, only to end up sucked back in till eventually everything blows up. Problem for me is everytime i went back, the more angry at myself I became when he relapsed. I became so angry because I felt like I was duped again and again and knew I was stronger then that. I was angry because I had to start the grieving process all over again and felt like my life was spinning in a circle. It is soo hard to not respond to their promises, but in the end, when all is said and done we know they are powerless and cant promise anything. So therefor we too are powerless and have to accept, words are words and actions are actions. I know you are hurting, im right there with ya. What i keep telling myself is, I have begun to move forward, I am making change and in time I will have serenity. To me those are worth the pain and sadness today.. Your in my prayers
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
