how do you convince your A, they are an A? - Al-Anon Family Group

mc3 · Member

how do you convince your A, they are an A?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You are in the right place with us here. I hope you can also get to some face-to-face meetings. Do a search and find them in your town -- many places have them every day. Go to several until you find the ones that are the best fit for you. All of us have been in the same boat that you are in. We've all wondered how to make them stop, how can we just explain it so they'll understand. And most of us have felt that we'd be disloyal to "give up on them."

The thing is that alcohol makes alcoholics crazy. They no longer think like other people. Their perception and their judgments are skewed. You've seen this yourself. Things that would make other people's hair stand on end -- the DWI's, the passing out, the secrecy, the craving, the denial -- don't seem to faze alcoholics one bit. The alcohol protects them from seeing; it keeps them numb.

In Al-Anon there are the three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Your mother wouldn't have been able to stop your dad drinking. Only he can do that. Some alcoholics hit bottom and find their lives unmanageable and go into recovery -- which is a long, hard climb. Most alcoholics never recover. That is the statistical truth. This is despite thousands, probably millions of their loved ones trying and trying and trying to "help" them. If others could make them stop, there would be no alcoholics in the world. No one can make them stop but themselves.

The good news is that we CAN help ourselves and make our lives better. And that also gives them the best chance of recovering. While we're trying to help and explain and manage them, they just get defensive. And we cushion their fall and keep them from experiencing the consequences of their addictions. What helps both us and them is to detach (this is easier said than done) and make our own lives good.

Please keep coming back, and find a face-to-face meeting and a sponsor. Things can be so much better than you're experiencing now. Hugs to you.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

the answer to your question is -- U don't . Until he says what he is doing is causing him a problem it ISN"T . its causing you a problem please find Al-Anon meetings and stay awhile before making any life altering decissions, u too need to recover .
we are enablers , we believe the lies , we lie for them , we cover up thier mistakes , we bail them out of debt we do this over and over again and nothing changes , why should they change we do everything for them so they can land on thier feet . Until the alcoholic is made to be responsible for the choices he makes it will only get worse . there is a solution to the money problem u will figure it out .

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism is a very cunning disease, the person who suffers from it is in total denial they are ill. We who love them on the outside can see what the problem is if only they would listen. We send ourselves crazy trying to help them, fix them. But what really happens is a wedge comes between us, they start to lie and resent us, blame us, because we are trying to force them to see something they are not ready to see. We then become resentful to wards them which can be seen in our actions and behaviour. Everyone on this board landed here because someone we love is addicted to drink and we have tried everything to help them and failed. In the process we become ill too. Al anon will not tell you how to stop him drinking but if you stick at it you will get better. Its like anything worthwhile hard work. We say in al non come to six meetings if its not for you we will give you your misery back. I didnt want my misery back so kept coming and things have improved greatly for me. Sounds like your mother was very couragous. You may have not had your dad around but she protected you from all this stuff you are letting yourself suffer at the mo. The drinkers do not mean to hurt us they really are ill (but they do hurt us), its up to us what we are going to do o protect ourselves

hope this helps
take what you like and leave the rest

hugs

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha MC...If he is at the point where he is lying...he already knows that he has a
problem with alcohol. He might not know he is alcoholic and in truth he might just
be an abuser but then that is not for you to determine it is for him to because if he
doesn't get help (and you are not helping nor are you qualified) his life will get
worse and he will go beyond insane and could die if he is not already. Alcohol is
a very very powerful class A mind, mood and behavior altering chemical; we all
know that now. Drunks are not real they are altered...unreal...abnormal and to
live with one means to be altered also.   Anyway the only person that needs to
be convinced is you so that you can be convinced you can do something else and
you have received suggestions from the membership here already.   For me I
finally (2 attempts) got into Al-Anon and have stayed. I learned that a child of the
disease also has a compulsion for alcoholics and that worked for me as I have been
in four major addictive relationships two of which resulted in marriage and divorces.
For me also I know there is a way out of it all but it took a decision and a commitment
and the full membership of the Al-Anon Family Groups to get me to help myself and
fix myself. Making decisions to be in relationships with addicts and alcoholics can
never result in longterm peace of mind and serenity not when an earlier consequence
is insanity or death.

You don't need to convince your A that he is an A...he knows already. He is not dumb
or blind...he is under the influence of alcohol.

Keep coming back here so we can love and support you...(((((hugs))))) smile

mc3 · Member

Thank you Mattie! I let go and asked my HP to show me the way and this website is where I was lead to. I am so grateful for the respones I've gotten. I don't feel alone and this has given me the strength to get through another day. Thank you, Thank you , Thank you!

many hugs to you

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

yep yep yep, all these great members have said it perfectly. love,debilyn

mc3 · Member

Abbyal, I'm definetly going to find and go to Al-Anon and I've already told him that I had to for me. No response from him of course. But your right I do need to stay awhile before making in life changes. I realized I have been so consumed with "helping" him I dont know who I am anymore. Like I was sucked into this tornado where every day just melted into another. 2 years later and I don't know where it went. I can't tell you how much the responses have meant to me. Im off to work now with a sense of peace that Ive not had, that I've taken the first step to a better life, I'm not alone anymore and everything will be okay. Thank You!

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

My only suggestion would be a little like Debilyn's, yep, yep, yep. The only thing I might add is for you to go back and read the responses to your post several more times, because you got some wonderful feed back that was right on. I am so glad you are going to find a meeting. There you will find the help and understanding that you deserve and need. You mentioned in your post that you are not alone. So true. What a good feeling.

Keep coming back. It works if you work it.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Monday 7th of December 2009 03:41:34 PM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't. That is the answer. One of the issues of being a codependent is trying to persuade, cajole and manage the alcoholic. There is no doing that.

They have to want it and we can't make them want it.

Maresi.e

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.