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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The roller coaster came to a crashing halt
Post Info TOPIC: The roller coaster came to a crashing halt
inhisarms


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The roller coaster came to a crashing halt
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I have lived my life on a roller coaster for 2 years.  My xabf was and is the love of my life.  He is the most amazing, intelligent, kind, genuine and loving person i have ever met when he is sober. Problem is he is an alcoholic/addict and becomes the exact opposite when he uses.  He has done AA too many times to count, gone to treatment too many times to count and lost everything. Everytime a glimmer of hope comes, it all comes crashing down with a hurricane force.
I took the right steps for me and finally put my foot down a few months ago.  I know I needed space, peace and security for me and my kids, so i made it clear he was not going to live with us.  He was not allowed to come over if he was using and that I was not his caretaker anymore. I have kids, a job and a life and did not want to enable him anymore. He went to detox, treatment and then sober living.  We were in contact, but very limited and I enforced my need for space.
So i thought I was doing all the right things, obviously I wasnt.  He relapsed again and I didnt hear from him for a few days. I came home from a work Christmas party friday night and a few hours later he broke into my house through a window.  I called 911, he was arrested and is sitting in jail.
So logically, he broke in my house I should be pissed!  So why am I feeling sadness, guilt and fear for him?  I know he had nowhere to go and sleep and that he would have passed out. But I had to enforce my boundries and stand up for myself.  I am an emotional basketcase, going from one extreme to the next.  The police issued emergency restraining order with no contact.  I know it is for the best, as i know this cycl of insanity has to stop. Yet i am heartbroken.  Financially my life wont change, i worked he didnt. He didnt live here, so that doesnt change either.  Emotionally i am crushed! How did I go from being the one he loved more then life itself to now i am the enemy, the reason, the one he despises> I never fathomed it would trun out like this.
I love him but hate the disease!



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gknee


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First of all-- U are doing exactly the right thing. The fact that he failed doesn't mean it wasn't right for u and your kids. U are on your own path. too bad he can't be with you but that is his choice. He chose who he loved and it was his substance.


I am still on the roller coaster and am thinking that this season pass better be up soon because I am getting motion sickness!!

I am sorry you are going thru this misery. I am a sister in the struggle.
hang in there.

Jeanne


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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Tracy


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I totally relate to your post I too am very independent except emotionally with my XABF.  Some would say that you did the most loving thing by being consistent sticking to your boudaries and leaving him to face the consequences.  I too feel bad even when I know I am making the right decisions, it hard learning to behave differently.  Sound to me like you are working your programme and putting yours and your childrens needs first.  Your xBF is facing the consequences of his choices.

take care of you hugs

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abbyal


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I agree u did exactly the right things , don't stop now  . until the Alcoholic is made to be responsible for his own actions nothing changes . Your children and yourself deserve better.  This disease dosent allow him to care about anything except his next drink .  Perhaps he will find the help he needs , jail is not a good thing , but remember u didnt cause it . and its not up to u to fix it .

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inhisarms


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thank you for the ESH!  I guess at times like this support and knowing we are not alone does help.... I stayed in my bed all day and allowed myself time to just wallow, tomorrow is a new day and I will force myself to go to work and try to fake it till i make it....

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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.
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Diva


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I agree with the others; you did the right thing.  That said, of course you feel sadness and fear for him.  His future is uncertain, he is striking out at you, and you love him.  Your feelings are a natural extension of the love you have for him.  But guilt?  No, please try not to feel guilty.  None of this is your fault...you know that....I can tell by your ability to express yourself that you are a smart girl.  So direct your energy and ability toward you and your children; you and they are your main concern.

I've been there, and I know how sad it is, but you'll survive.  Your strength shows through in your post.

Wishing you all good things,

Diva


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inhisarms


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Dive, Thank you!  Your words have givrn me the courage to face today!  I cant express how deeply your words touched me this morning.
Your right, I will survive and right now I need to focus on me and my kids and let God do what he needs to do for my A. 

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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.
Hecato, Greek philosopher
Debilyn


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hon the man you love, who loves you, knows it was his disease, his fault.

I went thru this too. Got an R on him many years ago. Have called the police on him many times.

If he broke in here I would call too.

People have to answer for their behavior, period.

This is all my real ESH. I felt awful too, becuz I love mine too. I thought, he will never forgive me for doing this. He won't understand. But you know, he did.

I bet your A will or does too. He does not like the person he becomes.
You know that man you told us about you see when he is sober is in there too. He would forgive you, don't you believe?

Please be ok. Put it in HP's hands. hugs,debilyn

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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Debilyn


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I cannot edit... I did not mean he would forgive you as if you did anything wrong, you didin't.

I meant to say of course he will not blame you! love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Dyinginside


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What does ESH mean?

-- Edited by Dyinginside on Tuesday 8th of December 2009 06:09:21 PM

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The roller coaster came to a crashing halt