The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been going to a great weekly Al-Anon meeting for 9 months but am new to this forum. I would love to hear from anyone with ideas about how to talk to my kids about their father's alcoholism.
My daughter is 10 and my son just turned 8. I only learned of my husband's chronic drinking earlier this year - I thought he'd been sober for years. He's been unemployed for a year now and the kids see him falling apart, He's never had a bottle in his hand in front of them but now they see him sleeping on the couch every night, "taking naps" at odd times of the day. They know he misses a lot of family events and that he's depressed and not interested in much.
How do you approach the topic in a way that addresses the issue appropriately without adding to their anxiety? How much information is appropriate for their age groups? Finally, how do I talk about this without eroding whatever standing he still has with them as their father?
I am still trying to figure that out and my kids are 17 and 13. My AH has been doing the same for about the past 3-4 years. No drinking in front of anyone. It is all covert.
I have used a gradual approach with them--kind of like u do when talking about other complicated things like "the birds and the bees" and death. I say things like "dad is having a hard time dealing with life right now,but I don't agree with what he is doing" and I continue to try to model the best behavior I can. I try really hard to not have them hear the arguments. Alanon really helps me with that (arguing doesn't change the situation anyway)
My AH went to rehab about 5 weeks ago (1st time for that) and actually fessed up to my 17y/o that his is an A after he came home. AH is back using pot and alcohol already so that was another failed experiment.
I just keep gradually telling the kids more as they ask questions or things are in their face. i really work the program on them. I tell them that they are not the cause of dad's behavior and that he loves them. I tell them that I wish we could all stay together as a family and that i have tried really hard to make it work but if their dad continues on the way he is, I think divorce is inevitable.
I know this sounds very negative. We have been married for 19 years and I don't think we will see 20. (actually I told a friend "shoot me if I make it to 20")
take care. I'll be thinking about you. Its a terrible disease........
Jeanne
__________________
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I remember when I was growing up there were all these unspoken things going on -- talk about the elephant in the room! Things that I knew were so terrible that I could never ask about them or understand them. It gave me enormous feelings of insecurity and anxiety. So I am trying to tell me son (age 8) what's going on. What I say to him is that some people are made so that drinking alcohol does dangerous things to them: it makes them feel very different, and so they use it when they have feelings that are hard to feel. But then they don't get practice at handling their hard feelings, so then the only way they know to deal with the feelings is to drink more alcohol, and so on. And that it's bad for their brain because it makes them think that drinking more alcohol is a good idea when it isn't. So they drink until they behave weirdly and pass out or other things. I say that his dad inherited this tendency and that he got caught in alcohol and can't find his way out. And that we can't do it for him, and we feel very sad about the problem. And that it makes him make bad choices. I overheard my son saying to a friend, "I wish we could go over to my dad's, but we can't because he makes bad choices."
I hope this is the right way to address it -- I really did not want to give him the feeling I had as a kid, the feeling that something terrible was happening but that no one should ever dare talk about it.
Thank you for sharing - it does help to know I'm not alone. I like the approach of taking it as an ongoing conversation rather than having the pressure to have a "big sit down" and have all the right words. My son actually brought up some of his frustration at his dad's attitude to life last night and I took the opportunity to convey that it had nothing to do with my son.
Thank you for sharing - it does help. Boy do I relate to the anger at having to always be the responsible one. I am fighting depression myself and have days where I just want to tell the world to F off and not get out of bed, but since I'm the "responsible one", I get out of bed and get the kids ready for school and go to work after I take them to school.
Wow you really hit my fears on the head. I am so worried that this is messing up my kids - it's one of my greatest fears. That's why I'm trying to find the right words to talk to them about it so they don't fear what they don't know. I like your approach with your kid - need to get them to understand that his behavior is not THEIR fault. My son has his b-day party next Saturday and I will have to worry about whether AH will get wasted and rude or come upstairs yelling in the AM because they woke him up. Wish me luck!
As parents we are their role models...they watch how we handle problems, interact with people and as a family, and this becomes their "normal"....its where and how they learn their coping skills which is what they will use in life. As I type that not a wonder I never knew what a "healthy relationship" looked like or had healthy coping skills. I never drank..but I certainly got the "isms" that go with it. Thank god for recovery :)
Kelly...have you considered talking to your al-anon meeting leaders about this, or perhaps talking to an al-ateen meeting leader? They may have some suggestions as well as some literature to give you.
My stepson is 12 and in my view of things, very mature for his age. By the time I got the nerve up to discuss his father's drinking, he already knew what was going on. He did have some questions about the addiction factor, and some of the health risks, and he was very confused/frustrated about the wild mood swings...so I brought him to an online al-anon meeting and it seemed to help a great deal. He constantly asked to go back after our first time. Unfortunately for him, his father got wind of what he was doing and "convinced" him that he wasn't an Alcoholic, and almost forebade him to log on again. BUT, in the end, I feel as though it was the right thing to do, despite his young age. He and I continued to have discussions about the disease and its effects on us, as well as about strategies we could use to make ours lives more livable. Sadly, after I left my X, he forbade me to speak to my stepson again, so I can't continue being there for him unless he chooses to willfully disregard his father's decree.
