relapses---do they just get worse? - Al-Anon Family Group

mom to 2 · Senior Member

relapses---do they just get worse?

agatha · Veteran Member

Re: "is there ever a good out come"

I see good out comes to alcoholism everyday. They are out there. It seems almost everyone we went to school with has some sort of addiction and a good number of them are now sober. Granted, there are still plenty who aren't. My brother-in-law has 11years in AA, our good friend (bestman) has 15 years, my husband has 6 years, and now most of our friends are from the program. There was a piont in all three of these mens' lives when their families backed away and never expected them to be anything more then falling down drunk.

If you ever get the chance to go to an AA/Al-Anon convention, it is worth your time. There are so many amazing examples of what is possible. You know that wonderfully warm and positive feeling you get from a f2f meeting? Times it by ten and you have a convention.

I just wanted you to know that there are millions of A's out there that get sober and stay sober. They just never do it when we want them too that's all. If they are going to do it, it can only be when they are ready. Hallow words, I know.

"This too shall pass"

Agatha

wallsal55 · Veteran Member

i read your story. wow, does it bring back old memories. i have been around alcohol and alcoholics all my life. was married to one for 20 years. your story sounds quite similar to my own but he wasn't the one that moved out, i was, but not until i had a nervous breakdown. i don't recommend going that route. i, too kept wishing my A would get sober and stay sober. we had many fights about his drinking and there were a few times the kids and i even slept in the car out of fear. but he never got sober. i have been away from him for almost 10 years now and he is still performing. he doesn't think he has a problem and thinks everyone else has the problem with his actions. as far as him spending money, mom of 2, if you and him have debts together, you are responsible for those debts also. it took me 2 years to get the bank to release me from my responsibility for ours. your A is sick and his desease is called alcoholism and until he reaches some sort of bottom or until he is damn good and ready to get better, nothing will change. all the wishing and hoping that he will get better, for you and your kids sake, will never happen until he has had enough. sounds like i am still resentful for what happened in my life but i am not. i have moved on and am very happy today and i don't have to wonder what kind of mood my husband is going to be in tonight when he comes home. another thing the counselor told me is when a woman leaves an alcoholic home she breaks the cycle for her kids because kids do what they see. i came from an alcoholic home also and believe me watching my parents fight and my dad drink wasn't a pretty picture and when i was old enough i married the first clown that came along to take me out of that household only i picked a guy just like my dad.

have you read the pamphlet "alcoholism: a merry-go-round named denial"? this is a great eye opener and so true. wallsal55 posted this a few days ago. it is worth a read. good luck mom and your 2.

A pamphlet available at alanon meetings, and at www.alanon.org is "Merry Go Round Named Denial." If you are isolated from meetings, etc. it can be found at www.bendfeldt.com/alcholism.htm (note spelling) Just type these in your address bar at top. [Merry Go Round Named Denial on a search at: www.altavista.com]

txmom · Veteran Member

((((Mom)))) As I read your post all I could think of was "wow". It could have been written by me a mere 6 months ago. My A husband relapsed in December after almost 2 years sober, working his program. It sounds like you boarded the same roller coaster I was on then. A magic 8 ball would really be great for us al-anoners. If we could only know what the A is gonna do etc., etc., etc. Thing is though, we can't know what they're gonna do. And we can't control what they're gonna do. This disease is so cunning that it will just change course if we start to "figure it out". For me, my life made no sense when I was trying to figure out what was going to happen next on this awful ride. My life didn't start to make any sense until I started focusing on myself, remembering those simple but powerful "3 Cs". I had the tools to make it through the next replapses. Hubby's been sober now for 2 months and is working his program again. I know that relapses are part of this disease and that I can't count on MY happiness comming from HIS sobriety.

In our experience here, the relapses did get worse as time went on. In hindsight, it's pretty easy for me to see that he NEEDED those relapses to be worse. Once I finally got out of hp's way and let the consequenses belong to the "right" person, my husband his his bottom once again and reached out to hp for help. Can't say it will be the same in anyone else's situation, but I know in my heart that if I would not have found al-anon I would never have been able to "detach with love" when he and I both needed me to the most. It was a verrry long roller coaster ride this time for me, but thanks to al-anon the whiplash wasn't so bad when the ride slowed down.

You, my friend, are several steps ahead of where I was when I found al-anon. You're already here getting all this wonderful information and awesome support. One Day at a Time and Courage to Change have helped me a lot. If you don't have these, I'd be happy to send you some readings. Keep on working the program for YOU and remember that we love you and that God loves you too!

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with agatha, if you can get to a convention or roundup it really is worthwhile.

It sounjds like your husband's stint in rehab triggered this downward spiral. It may be that he had to face, for the first time in his life, what he is. This is not easy, and it looks like, for now at least, he can't handle it. This may be his way of getting to his bottom, and once he hits it he may come back into his program. However, he may not.

This is why your focus must be on you, and on your kids. If you are unsure of what to do right now, it's OK to do nothing. You have set a boundary, and that is good. Sticking to that may be all you are ready for right now. I'd also like ot remind you that talking to a lawyer does not commit you to anything. Just finding out what your legal options are does not mean that you have to actually make any decisions right now. One day at a time applies to us as well as to the alcoholic.

mom to 2 · Senior Member

Thank you all for your posts. Every word said is true. I know the 3 cs and I know he's on his own. The part about the crystal ball is so true---I just wish I could see the future, it would help me see what to do right now. I just don't know how long to wait until I proceed with the possibility of moving. I just wish he'd say he doesn't love me and doesn't want to come back then I 'd be able to go on---there would be no questions. But I think he does love us but the addiction is stronger than the love.

It helps to vent here and I get to f2f meetings when I can.

Love to you all,

mom to 2

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi glad uposted here today, yes things can get better. I was told that relapse can actually be a positive thing , hopefully they will eventually get the idea tht they cannot do this alone and will get help from AAand a sponsor. I like you made a decission along time ago sober and AA or stay where you are, I knew I couldn't continue to live the way we had been. one of the hardest things I have ever done .

15 yrs later husb is sober and still going to meetings , me too by the way. I know today that I cannot keep him sober and that I am my biggest problem. me and my attitude. You said he dosent care about you, I don't believe that he just can't do what he has to do to be with you right now. This is not about loving you or your children , love will not cure alcoholism,unfortunately we have all tried tht and it never worked, we can support thier efforts at sobriety , remind them that they don't have to live this way and leave the rest up them.

Hang in there keep the focus on yourself and your children and pray that your husband will get thru this rough time. Louise

mom to 2 · Senior Member

update:

My hubby is back in California--partying his butt off. He went to California for his rehab. We live on the east coast. He keeps telling me on the phone that he doesn't know why he's not back in rehab. He says he hates himself but he keeps partying and partying while I'm here working and taking care of the small children. A part of me HATES him so much---a small part of me wonders if he will be better someday. He was never like this before---only after rehab.

He never drank or behaved like this before. I don't know what's going on with him. I don't know when to give up on him. I feel like a fool. I feel like I should have given up on him already. He's a shadow of the person he used to be. I doubt he could ever be the same. But I feel like I have to give him some hope for the sake of the children. I want them to have a happy and healthy daddy. I think he's going to party until there is literally no more money--he's using his credit cards, he has no access to the checking or savings acct. I don't know what he will do when there is no more money. He's behaving like such a loser.

It's just so unfair to treat us like this.

mom to 2

elizabeth · Veteran Member

hello again mom

who said you have to give up on your A? in alanon we share our experiences, strength and hope with you and you take what you like and leave the rest. you can still love, hate or whatever with your husband. you are stuck in what you know is going to happen if you reunite with your husband right now and knowing what you want your life to be like in the future. nothing will change with your husband's drinking until he is good and ready to change. your children need you to be both mom and dad right now. the serenity prayer gets me through the tough spots. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things i can. And the wisdom to know the difference. Personally, i think you are doing great. you told your husband not to come home until he is sober and that is a big step in the right direction. sometimes we have to detach ourselves from the alcoholic but that doesn't mean we have to cut ourselves off completely. that also doesn't mean we have to be a doormat either. there is a reading in the odat or courage to change that reads something like this "if you don't want to be a doormat, get up off of the floor". well you got up off of the floor, dusted yourself off and your feet are firmly planted and ready to stand up for you and your children, you all deserve better. you're doing a great job.

PS I was told in alanon that not making a decision is making a decision. (((hugs)))

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mom , I know this is hard for you , please remember that this is a DISEASE read all u can on alcoholism,it is progressive and never cured but can be arrested , this damn disease has so many symptoms and none of them pleasant. Alcohol is running his life at the moment and he just isn't thinking clearly. I always took my husb drinking very persoanlly, had to learn that he was not drinking at me, he drank because he had a problem period.

Please don't make a big decission when your so upset , keep going to meetings come here and read the literature after a few months see how u feel then make your decission, in the mean time get your life back on track and love those babbies. (Hugs)

mom to 2 · Senior Member

To everyone,

I am so grateful to have you all as a sounding board. I don't think I ever considered not taking this behavior not personally. I know you wouldn't take it personally if someone was dying of cancer and you were left alone to deal with everything. Is alcoholism really the same thing?? He is out in sunny CA, drinking and drugging---staying in a hotel,eating all meals out. While I stay at home and take care of the house and children---work---try to find great childcare so I can work more--you get the gist. I will not even consider eating out or buying any unneccessary things because he's not even working or making any money.

I don't want to be a doormat--but I keep thinking if I get a divorce he will get into recovery and some other woman will get tho enjoy the hubby I fell in love with. One the other hand he may never get into recovery. So for now I wait and don't make any rash decisions. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and I hope it will be the hardest thing I ever have to do.

Thank god for my babies--they are my loves.

mom to2

tk47834 · Member

When my A relapsed, he only had 9 months clean. He was sure he could handle this on his own without any meetings. He went back out and was drunk for about another 2 years before alcohol almost took his life! He's been sober now for over 6 years. I do worry because he hasn't been going to his meetings, again.

He told me when he was still drinking that he didn't enjoy it anymore, he drank because he had to. When he finallly hit his bottom, and it was a hard hit, he quit drinking.

We have had hardships, but he has hung in there and we have gotten through them so far. Our own son wanted me to divorce his father when he was in his last stages of drinking, but I wouldn't. I didn't like him, but I still loved him. I stayed by him and went through the recovery process with him. We went to a place here in Indiana called Discover Recovery. I learned so much about this disease.

I am happy to say, through it all, we will celebrate our 34th wedding anniversay in November.

What worked for me may not be for everyone. I didn't have any young children at home anymore and I think that plays a big role in how these situations are handled.

I have just starting coming to this message board, but it sure helps to vent and get everyone's input, and I thank you all.

Hang in there and take care of yourself. He will wake up someday and realize what he is missing out on.

God Bless you and your family.

T.K.

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