The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm trying to figure out my being unhappy with my Sponsor.
First, I think she talks too much ... about herself. I feel like when I am trying to discuss how I feel, she is looking at me, but waiting for the moment that she can jump in with a response. And sometimes my ideas are incomplete, then I have to interupt and correct her, then try to keep going on with my thought.
Second, she's wealthy. I'm not. I feel there is a disconnect there. She does not know what it is like living a very modest income, trying to support your child on your own. I get irritated with some of her suggestions, like "get to as many meetings as you can". Yes, ok, I GET that...but that costs me $20 every time I go for a babysitter. (there are no other options) so the reality of the situation is that I cannot. I can go to Alanon or I can buy groceries. Not an excuse, it's a reality. I go to my home group each week, then sometimes one other local.
Third, I find her dramatic. Each thing I say is "yah...it's the disease". Sometimes it feels like hard core mind control. It's a turn off for me. Each complaint I share or when I tell her about my feelings, she says, "yah, it's the disease hun!" (maybe it IS)
And lastly on more than one occasion she has broken other people's anonymity. Most recently, I was telling her this week about a allergy session I was doing with someone in town and she said, "Are you with _______ or _________." I told her and she says, "tell them about your in Alanon". I said, "what would that have to do with anything?" She told me the person I was seeing would understand, they've been through it. My sponsor said "I don't think they'd mind me breaking their anonymity, but don't tell her I told you". That's a turn off for me too. It makes me regret everything I've told her about myself and my situation.
Soooo, having said that. BEfore I react...I want to make sure that I am not unhappy with my Sponsor because of the point I am at in Recovery where I am being guided to do things differently and so I want to retreat to my former behaviour and just be unhappy with anyone/anything who suggests I do differently. Or, that this Sponsor is not right for me.
Red flags flying everywhere!!!!!!! The final curtain fell when your sponsor said a person would not mind her breaking their anonymity, "But don't tell her I told you." This kind of behavior is NO NO!!!! Further, the "yah...it's the disease" thing would be enough, right there, for me to give her the gate.
But even more important; if you feel ill-at-ease with this sponsor, or unhappy for any reason, it is time to break the relationship. You need not be brutally honest with her; simply say that you do not feel comfortable with her as your sponsor. Thank her sincerely for her time, and move on.
Good luck.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
One thing I was taught Rora was that I could change sponsors anytime I want for a reason or no reason at all. I've had at one time 3 sponsors and I used them all. Getting the ESH from 3 sponsors was wonderful because although they might not have been in the same shoes they all helped me in the same direction.
I know that what is important for me is when something isn't setting right with me is to ask myself the question "What is going on with me?" and take my own inventory even as I take anothers. That helps me make the next decisions for me because that is who I am responsible to and for.
I have never met or been a perfect sponsor. I have had sponsees (most) who have done lots of stuff like leave reacovey, get another sponsor and become better for the programs they work inspite of other people, places and things. We do the best we can with what we have and I always start with being human...or less than God.
Wanna practice courage, faith and trust? Go tell this sponsor you are unhappy with the recovery relationship as it is and also give her the chance to listen and change.
for me a good sponsor is a good listener and doesnt' gossip or blame.
I have one who listens and encourages me to be loving and forgiving by doing it himself.
He teaches me by example and accepts me as I am and knows that in real life real things happen. It's not about the disease, it is also about LIFE, is his attitude.
I have worked with him for years.
I hope you can find a more compatible one for yourself.
I don't have a sponsor. I would say if you expect complete anonimity then you may want to see a professional counselor. Sponsors are not required to maintain your confidentiality, it's a suggestion of the program but not enforcable. As for your economic situation I know exactly what you mean. People who "have" do not understand the needs, situations and circumstances of those who "have not". I am a have not and I encounter it all the time and have a hard time relating tho those who do not struggle as I do. I do not think that those who have it good can truly understand all of the nuances of those who don't. I would say if you're not happy you're not under any obligation to keep her as a sponsor and if you're just keeping her around to avoid hurting her feelings you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Sounds like a poor relationship to me but that's just my opinion from what you have said.
