The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been with a man that I love very much for a little over 3 years, now. He has a problem with taking pain medicine, and it has escalated since I've met him. He's gone from taking one low dose vicodin every couple of months when I first met him to snorting 40 miligram percocets, now.
We has been talking about getting married, and building a life together. We've been looking at engagement rings, and everything.
However, last month, he was pulled over minutes after he just got done smoking weed. He talked to the prosecutor, and he told my boyfriend/fiance that if he took one drug test and paid for it a month for the next three months and came up clean that they would consider dropping the charges...as long as he didn't get in any more trouble until the court date. So he stopped smoking weed, and stopped taking pain pills....and was doing really good...took two of the three tests already and came up clean.
Well, two days ago, the day after he took his second drug test mandated by the court, he went out and bought pain pills, went to the bar, and got a DUI...his second in the last five years.
He's looking at 40 days in jail, now..what with the mandatory 10 days from the DUI and 30 days for possession...which they most likely won't drop due to the DUI. If his employer finds out that he is going to jail for this, they will fire him. He doesn't have a high school diploma, and he's been with this company for 8 years and has moved up...so he makes good money. But if he gets fired with possession and 2 DUI's combined with no GED, diploma or anything...I'm afraid he won't be able to get another one that is comparable.
I grew up in a home where my father was an alcoholic and addicted to other drugs...including pain pills. After he was pulled over and charged with possession, I told him that I didn't want my children to grow up in the same type of environment that I did. I made it very clear to him about this. Then, when he got the DUI, and I found out he was much more inebriated because he had been on pills, too, I told him once more..."I love you very much, and I don't want to grow old without you in my life. I want to get married. Please stop taking these pills."
Then, I called him tonight, and he said he was going to hang out with his friend...who is also addicted to pain pills. I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't take any pills. He said he already did. (and I must say that I'm greatful for his honesty, btw)
He's losing everything that matters to him in his life because of these things...his job, his priviledge to drive, his apartment (because he couldn't afford it what with these pills costing $20.00 a pop).
I know he is going through a very depressing time...which I know is why he's taking them now. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want to turn my back on him while he's facing 2 different charges and 40 days in jail, but I also don't want my future children to go through what I had to go through growing up. I can ask him to promise not to, but I'm afraid that he'll just start hiding it.
And he's asking me to marry him, and build a life...and I want to because I love him with all of my heart...but I know if I do then I will become as miserable as my mother, and my children will be as miserable as I was growing up. I don't want that. I want a happy life without addiction in it, and I want it to be with him...however, I don't think that the two together are possible. I don't know what to do.
And he's asking me to marry him, and build a life...and I want to because I love him with all of my heart...but I know if I do then I will become as miserable as my mother, and my children will be as miserable as I was growing up. I don't want that. I want a happy life without addiction in it, and I want it to be with him...however, I don't think that the two together are possible. I don't know what to do.
Reread what you wrote above.
Parts of your finance's story sounds very similar to my AH's. For example, he was fortunate to get a good paying job with benefits, without a college education. We raised two children very comfortably on his salary and benefits, never did we have to be concerned that we couldn't provide our children the necessities of life and then some. We were very fortunate in that sense. I was very fortunate to have a choice to be a stay-at-home mother.
Fastforward 30 + years, he is at risk of losing his job, which he was planning to retire from next summer. He will most likely get his license suspended for up to a year when he goes to court mid-December; there goes his job because he has to drive every day during work hours. If he's lucky, he can get his pension at age 62; he is now 57 or 58 - too tired to figure it out! LOL
He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going through with the divorce that I began two years ago. I don't have the heart to tell him right now; I assume that he is concerned about his court date (consequences). Our lives will change drastically very soon. Why? His second DUI woke me up.
I love my husband very much; but I do not have the relationship that I would like to have - why? I have finally realized that you can't have a relationship with an active A and/or one who only goes to meetings and claims he is in recovery and thinks it's okay to drink once in awhile.
I waited all these years for him to not only stay sober, but to grow emotionally so that we could grow as a couple and have a quality relationship. 35 years of trying, hoping, and waiting. I can't do it any longer.
Do what is best for you.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 5th of December 2009 01:05:31 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
You're making a very wise choice by holding off for now. I'm really glad you found Alanon first. Something that people don't consider is that once you are married, should he get in an accident and hurt someone, they will be suing he and YOU if things are owned jointly.
Something you said stood out to me.. I know he is going through a very depressing time...which I know is why he's taking them now. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want to turn my back on him while he's facing 2 different charges and 40 days in jail
cid, he has brought all this on himself by his own choices and actions. This is where we get drawn in and somehow feel we can fix them and their behaviors. We can not. If we could, none of us would be here and all our addicts would be cured.
You are in no way turning your back by not coddling him at this juncture. In fact, stepping back and letting him feel the pain is what is needed to hit bottom. Being there safety net just lets the disease grow stronger. Every time someone makes it easy for them, they prolong it.. You have every right to create boundaries for your own safety and sanity. If that means saying you won't discuss marriage until he is clean for a year ...so be it. And..you were right about making him promise. That doesn't work. You will learn to watch him instead of listen. We can be pretty gullible if we believe what is said. What works is Alanon meetings, boundaries and a set of Alanon tools to work with.
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
As his life is falling apart he is looking to marry you? How fair is that to you and your future children? What is he offering you at this point? A life of fear and waiting and alcoholism?
A person who is really ready to commit their life to another person would not be facing jail, loss of job, and all that comes along with that. Generally, a man who is ready and wlling to commit has thought about the future and how he will provide for a future family and is offering his best self. Sounds to me like your A is trying to grab you to save him from himself.
In my experience, that never works. Enabling the A (even in a positive way, like asking them not to do drugs) is still enabling and the kindest, most loving thing we as alanon's can do for the A is walk away and let them fall and hit their bottom. It is hard for us to do because we want to save them, we believe them when they tell us that they can't do it without us. But ultimatly the real act of unselfish love is to let them go on their path.
Good luck, with what ever you decide. This program is here for all of us in all stages of our life and I hope you keep coming back.
"Marry him and build a life" with him? What kind of "life" do you have in mind? Do you think you can change him? No way! I cannot conceive of it. But, then again, it's not for me to say.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Saturday 5th of December 2009 10:36:00 AM
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Agree with everything that's been said here. If I had known what you know when my relationship was at the same stage, I don't honestly know if it would have changed anything. But if I knew then what I know now about how much pain, anguish, disappointment, anger and heartache I would endure, I hope I would walk away while I still could. Now I am 64 with no income of my own and no hope of change in my AH. All I can do is try to defeat the co-dependency and salvage some life for myself. Listen to your instincts and they won't let you down.
Aloha Cid...Welcome and your post reminded me of something my elder sponsor taught me when I use to describe the picture of my life with my alcoholic wife to him. "Read your story as if you were somebody else and see how it would look to you then." Its magical how the story changes when I get out from inside of myself and look at it from outside of myself. Boy was I dellusionsal!! Next thing I had to do was make better decisions and choices for myself or accept the same consequences I was getting, over and over and over.
Try facing your story from outside yourself. (((((hugs)))))
I have a lot to think about. I know I would be getting a lot of flack from our friends if I dropped him at his lowest time.
The truth is, it's not something beyond his own help that just happened to him. He did this to himself, and it's something that he continues to do. And he continues to do it knowing that I told him he would lose me if he did. He is making that choice, and if I don't show him that there are consequences to his actions...if I try to protect him from those consequences...then he's not really going to have any reason to change himself...now is he.
And this is the really selfish part, but what if because I leave him he does change himself...and then another woman benefits from it? That's nothing I really like to admit to feeling, but the truth is, it's something that I do feel and have to deal with. I say I'm not selfish, and it's proven by how much I give up for him, but really, my reasons for doing so are very selfish. I could stop enabling him, but that would mean I would have to leave...and he would eventually find someone else.
Or I could stay...keep him to myself...and be miserable while waiting and hoping for him to change....which could happen next week. But if I were to look at the past behavior as an indicator of what will most likely happen in the future, then the odds of him changing is like betting all of my money on a horse with a broken foot to win the race....just not a very smart move.
I suppose the next logical question would be: do you really want someone who has a propensity toward addiction, whom even if he did stop using could start using again at any time? Or, would you prefer to have an emotionally and mentally healthy partner whom you could trust with your future?
Another question is: what kind of future do you want; one that is secure and loving, or one that is insecure, financially and emotionally draining?
Security does not come from someone who is not healthy.
I am happy to have logged on and registered for this site tonight and to have read your post and the replies. I am in what I feel is a very similar situation. I can relate to a lot of what you said.
I met who I felt who was the man of my dreams 2+ years ago. He loves me deeply, we have the same goals, he treats me with respect and adoration...these are all things I have always wanted. After leaving a 9 year relationship with a sex addict in the past, I felt as though I had finally healed myself and found what I deserve.
However, as of recent, I am facing the fact that my BF has a dependence on alcohol or may be an alcoholic. What pains me is that we too talk of marriage and family, almost daily. I struggle with extreme decisions - waiting it out (we are going to start some counseling - call it premarital) or walking away briskly. I think the biggest factor for me is that we are both in our thirties and we really want to have children. As I write this, I KNOW that is never a reason to be with anyone.
The behavior as of late that really has me questioning whether or not my man has a problem with alcohol is that I am starting to feel that he chooses alcohol and video game nights more and more frequently over spending time with me. I drink alcohol myself, but I really don't have any interest in drinking an 18 pack by myself, like he often does. He does have 3 DUI's as well. I can hear the gasps! He got these years ago, like 10 years ago...but still...I would be a fool to not consider those as a red flag.
I most definitely agree with the other posters that his actions are WAY more important than his words. My BF is a wonderful person, he has been through a lot, and is sensitive and genuine. However, I wonder as of late how much control he really has over his own behavior. I fear he has a serious addiction and is not in control at all. Do I stay or go? I certainly have the option and the responsibility to myself to walk away if I don't want to live and raise a family with an alcoholic.
I have a lot to think about. I know I would be getting a lot of flack from our friends if I dropped him at his lowest time.
This is one of the many reasons I stayed with me AH for 35+ years. I now feel that was a mistake for many reasons. One of his brothers recently told me "that is was too late to start over." I disagree. I told him he hadn't been the one living with his brother all these years. I feel it's never too late, even at my age - 54, going on 55. I still have a lot of passion for life in me.
The truth is, it's not something beyond his own help that just happened to him. He did this to himself, and it's something that he continues to do. And he continues to do it knowing that I told him he would lose me if he did. He is making that choice, and if I don't show him that there are consequences to his actions...if I try to protect him from those consequences...then he's not really going to have any reason to change himself...now is he. For the past 2 decades, I protected my AH from some of the consequences, such as me leaving for good. Two years, ago, I left for 8 months and then returned because I thought he was on the road to recovery after 30 days in a rehab. He told me he saw the errors of his ways. It was wonderful at first; it felt like a honeymoon. But things changed back to our "norm."
And this is the really selfish part, but what if because I leave him he does change himself...and then another woman benefits from it? Yep, this is one of the many reasons I stayed, too. MY AH is a very fine man, with loads of postive qualities. Plus, he is the father to our children. Plus, I came from a broken home.... plus _____________ the list is endless.
I finally sat myself down and asked myself how do I feel: about the insecurity?
about his choice to drink & drive?
about avoiding friends over to our home for fear he will drink?
about lack of companionship?
about making important decisions alone?
about the possibility that today might be the day he sinks our financial ship?
These are just a few of the questions I answered for myself. I did not factor in what others thought. It does not matter. It's my life.
That's nothing I really like to admit to feeling, but the truth is, it's something that I do feel and have to deal with. I say I'm not selfish, and it's proven by how much I give up for him, but really, my reasons for doing so are very selfish. I could stop enabling him, but that would mean I would have to leave...and he would eventually find someone else.
Or I could stay...keep him to myself...and be miserable while waiting and hoping for him to change....which could happen next week.
I waited, and waited and waited. There were periods of him not drinking. Just when I thought things were going great, a bomb would drop on us. The last bomb will be the last for me: he got a DUI last month - his second. He just got a notice yesterday in the mail that the DMV has suspended his license for a year (I do not disagree with the consequence). Now, he is unable to return to work; fortunately, he is able to retire. However, his pension is not enough for him to live on right now.
I had filed for a divorce two years ago. I'm told that since I'm going through with the divorce, that I might have to pay him spousal support. That is a "maybe." I can ill afford it. I will barely make financial ends meet on my own. But I'd rather struggle financially, then live as I have for the past 3 decades. There is more hope in me making a life for myself then there is for us to have a genuine relationship. I don't know what I'll do if I have to pay him support. All I know is that I can't continue to live this way. I'll take it one day at a time and deal with what comes. But I will not wait around for him to change any longer; in the meantime, he could drink and drive and wind up killing someone this next time. I do no want this on my conscience. The way I see it, if I stay with him, I'm enabling him. I've always told him that if he continues to drink, I'm gone. This time I have the strength and wisdom to follow through.
But if I were to look at the past behavior as an indicator of what will most likely happen in the future, then the odds of him changing is like betting all of my money on a horse with a broken foot to win the race....just not a very smart move.
Good analogy. Unfortunately many alcoholics have difficulty staying away from their vice. Some, I'm told, stay on the road of recovery. I don't think anyone can say who will be successful and who will not.
You are facing a difficult decision. One that will impact your life forever. You at a fork in the road. It's your call, as you well know. May you choose the best road for you. Gail Michelle
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
