The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I seem to be on a new level of grief about the ex A and my relationship with him. The more I look at it the more I see all his crises, health problems ( of course his trumped mine no matter what), work problems, car issues, family issues were power and control mechanisms. There is no question he always had to have the upper hand. Even when he was homeless and destitute he still didn't give up his manipulating. There was never any sense of humility. His "sorry's" were mumbled, ten minute affairs with a return immediately to his quest to control, dominate and suck the life out of our relationship.
My issue of course is that I always surrendered. I always played into how delicate and troubled he was, never mind the problems I had. I dropped everything for him and he resented doing anything for me.
I stuck with that glued to the dynamic for years. Only now 3 years later do I see how I gave up time and again to try to soothe, care for and cater to him.
There was never any question of cooperation, love, tenderness or understanding. I don't think he ever even thought for a second about my issues because he was so desperate to have his own absolutely capture the entire picture.
Still three years later I find myself handing over the reins to so many people. My last therapist for one. I allowed her to think that I was willing to go along with whatever she claimed I needed irregardless of what I was feeling. Desperation is a powerful issue. I have moments when I feel like I am in charge rather than "just visiting".
I'm no longer willing to engage as a "victim". I'm no longer willing to think of every relationship as my last chance to do them. I'm willing now to surrender in ways that might be good for me rather than in ways that almost destroyed me.
I'm no longer willing to engage as a "victim". I'm no longer willing to think of every relationship as my last chance to do them. I'm willing now to surrender in ways that might be good for me rather than in ways that almost destroyed me.
How empowering this is! What an inspiration you are. I so needed to hear this today.
When my AHsober called me into the bedroom five years ago to tell me he wanted a divorce, the very first thoughts that went through my head were, this about power and control. He went on to say how unhappy he was in our marriage, how the purpose of life was happiness, how he never really love me, and on and on. But it was so clear that he wanted power and control over everything. I don't think it ever had anything to do with love or happiness. We had always moved when he became disgruntled at a job. I went along with every move. Finally I said the next move we make I want to make the decision. He think that he was threatened by that and didn't want me to have power and control over his life. Go figure.
