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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When do you stop loving them
Post Info TOPIC: When do you stop loving them
Debilyn


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When do you stop loving them
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It is my esh that we don't. What I have felt and see on our mip board is, we come to a place where we are comfortable with having love for that sick person and knowing it is the disease we hate and blame all the hurt on.

This does not mean we will keep that "in love" type feeling. For me it was I was hanging on to the person he used to be. I was in love with him, always will be, but the disease killed him and now he is just another wet brained A.

But it took many lonely nights of sobbing to my hp to please take this love for him away. He never complied as he knew better.What I got was serenity. (o:

Maybe what we really want is comfort, to be able to relax and let go. When I found serenity, it made it so no matter what happened I had this inner calm.

That my A was really always in HP's hands anyway. And my loving him just was what it was. Fighting it was making me sick, accepting it and going on with other things made it so much easier.

I have seen so many come in and say like it is a bad thing,"But I love them so much!" I say,"Of course you do!" They are sick, they have a disease, they are not doing this to you, it is not personal."

Now for me AH is in prison. He is not really my husband anymore. But that marriage thing or connection for now needs to still be there. I love him becuz he is him, for all the good, bad and ugly we have shared all our lives together. It no longer matters what he does as he has done it all. And we both lived thru it and I have serenity.

I have hurt so badly, the worst, the next thing that will be the most awful is when he dies. If that doesn't kill me nothing will! Well that did not make sense! Ha!

Well I think I will try to write him a letter. I am sure he just loves hearing about my crazy animals and for the millioneth time how beautiful it is out here.

love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
nmike


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(((((debilyn)))))

I still love him very much and will always. I think I learned that from you. That you can love them but be hurt by them.

Write that letter.

In support,
Nancy

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Rora


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When I think about loving my ex-aH I always arrive at "but Love has very little to do with it at this point"

I can easily get stuck in "but I love him".  Add to that my sense loyalty and sense of commitment to my wedding vows and the promises I've made to him - I get this sudden impulse to "make this work".

But in the wise words of Tina Turner, "what's love got to do with it?"

I love my ex-aH.  More and more each day I think as the painful realities of my life without him settle in.  I miss him more and more each day.  I long for it to be all okay, every day.

And it's not okay.  Life with him is not okay.  It's not sensible.  It's not healthy.  It's chaotic and cunning and baffling.  It's a Merry Go Round that I need to get off of.  Not because I don't love him, but because it's making me very very sick.




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Debilyn


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n lol I am writing a letter. guess what? The puppy chewed it! lol true. rora yes I sure do relate.

I almost went and saw him yesterday, but in the shower I just thought, oh I am just too tired. So stayed home, watched soap operas and NCIS lol.

hugs, deb who woke up freezing as it is 26'

__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
DreamXL


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I decided to take a long hard look at my definition of love.........and fantasy vs. reality.....of the situation...let go of the how it could be, should be on and on. Alcholism is an explanation not an exuse. God knows I made enough excuses for the nasty things said the inappropriate behaviors and the list goes on..all in the name of a disease....

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Andrea12


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((((((((Debilyn)))))))),

Two years after his death I still Love him.....I don't know that we ever stop loving them....

I think because we see the man we love without the alcohol and hope and pray they will return.

Take care,
Andrea

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Tomorrow is not a guarantee enjoy today
maresie


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I don't think what I had was actually love, dependence, fear, anxiety are not love.  I have to learn to love myself before I can love anyone.  I do love my animals and there is unconditional regard for them.  I believe the A did so many damaging things it may not be possible to even dare to love or care for him again.  So I choose not to.  I don't hate him but I do hate his actions.

Maresie.

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maresie
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