The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AFiance called me while I was at work and he was walking 2.5 mi to the emergency room to check himself into the psych ward. We talked when he got there just to check in. I called the hospital last night to make sure he was there and was safe.
I'm just full of sadness. I love him so much and I just keep hoping that something will snap in his mind and the alcohol will fall away. When he is here and drinking, it's so easy to tell him that he has to move out. When he is in the hospital and hurting, it's too hard for me to do.
My mother is an al anoner and my father is also an alcoholic. They are divorced. I asked her how she got past the love and made him move out. I don't remember what she said but I remember her saying that it hurts and it feels like mourning.
I don't know if I can look past the love and kick him out...especially after a hospital stay. It's like kicking someone when they're down. Maybe I should give it one last go since he took the initiative and walked himself into the psych ward. I haven't a clue what to do.
I am glad that I have a meeting to go to tonight and for the literature that some very generous al anoners have sent me.
Here's another way to see it: Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to make them responsible for themselves and their actions. Until people in their lives quit saving them, they can't hit their bottom. It's not your job to raise him. He's a grown man. What would he do if you didn't exist? He'd have to make his own way in life. In doing so he has a chance at regaining his dignity.
Something else that people have done to protect themselves is to set a time limit/boundary. "If you stay sober, stay out of jail, get a job etc. and show me you can for XX months, I will consider a relationship".
Whatever you say it is VERY important to stick to it. Threatening to kick him out and not doing it then means nothing to him. It gives him the green light to walk on any boundary you have because he can. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I often compare the boundaries we use to raising a child. If you tell a child "no", then cave in and give them their way, or the child ignores you and does what they want anyway, you end up with a disresectful spoiled kid. Your word means nothing to them because you didn't hold firm. It's no different with the alcoholic. They will run over every boundary you have if it's not solid and you end up being a doormat. Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
the way it was told to me was - that I was not kicking someone when they were down - i was merely stepping aside to allow their Higher Power the ability to help them find their dignity and own self-respect to work their way to a healthier life.
It was the purest form of true love - giving a person the ability to find their own self-respect is a great gift.
it is painful for us - but it is an awesome gift of love.
It is also the healthiest thing for ourselves. Then we are able to find that healthy balance and self-respect AND dignity that we need to be a healthy mate for someone too!
Two healthy people in a relationship have a much better chance of happiness than two unhealthy people.
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity) Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am glad you are getting the GTS book.... it will help explain to you the concept of:
"if you REALLY love your A, then you will get yourself healthy"
Your point about feeling like you are "kicking someone when they are down" is common, and most of us have felt that way.... The reality is, giving A's a "soft landing" is NOT helping them get better, and many (active) A's work hard on this manipulation of us, appealling to our soft & caring nature, convincing us that we really need to "help" them all the time....
Tough love, detachment with love, boundaries, etc - all make up some of our necessary toolset when we are dealing with active alcoholism...
Take care, and keep coming back...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I don't doubt he will have a social worker now he is in the hospital. I hope that they will be able to negotiate something. You deserve support, limits and care too.
