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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> It's a family DIS-EASE
Post Info TOPIC: It's a family DIS-EASE
Rora


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It's a family DIS-EASE
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I've been lurking a lot lately.  Not posting much.  I've felt I've needed to take a back seat and try to listen and learn.

My life is changing.  After 13 months of physical separation I've come to understand that my marriage to my ex-aH is over. 
There are many reasons why, that would be too lengthy and too insignificant to mention.
I am learning that I can make decisions without feeling that I have to back them up with testimony to support them.
I am learning that the problems in my life are not all a result from my ex-aH, but from active choices that I have made and have continued to make.

My 5 yr old son has been having difficulty in Kindergarten.  He's having a hard time keeping still in lines, sometimes shoving and pushing for entertainment.  (Teacher and I agree, he's not malicious, just very unfocused and impulsive) He has a hard time focusing and waiting his turn to speak in class.  He will scream at his peers at times, when things don't go his way.  The other day he came home completely forlorn, never wanting to go to school again, because he was in time out 5 times.  Some of these struggles are echos of my own behaviour. 

Working with my Sponsor (who thankfully happens to be a retired primary school teacher!) is helping me to realize that perhaps my child who I've always described as having an "impulsive and anxious personality" from day one, is simply a product of his environment.  An idea that I rejected for many years now.

How could that happen?  I mean, I'm a smart, professional, moral and ethical person.  Not me, right?  This doesn't happen in families like mine, right?

This is a wake up call for me.  The chaos and confusion and rollercoaster I have been living for nearly 1/3 of my life, well my child has been living it 100% of his life.  My child know none else.  This makes me very sad.  And it makes me very motivated to choose differently.  I need to step out of victim mode and create a different life atmosphere for my myself and for my son.

Until now, i guess i thought it's not that bad.  There is no "violence" in my home, I don't believe in corporal punishment for discipline.  I use good parental methods like "time outs" and "reward charts".  But none of that is masking the general angst and anxiety and discontentment that has filled the walls of my home for the entireity of my sons life. 

It's time to choose better. 
Thanks for being here for me.

Rora



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DreamXL


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So glad your here :)  I remember my brother acting out at a young age and my mom took him to a counselor...the first question she asked my mom was...What is going on in your house?  how is your relationship with your husband ?  My mom relpyed with..."if he would just behave everything would be fine  what does my relationship have to do with anything here".....Awareness is a fabulous moment for it brings about life changes ...

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serendipity


~*Service Worker*~

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WOW Rora!!!

How excellent that you are choosing to do it differently. That is exactly why I keep coming back. I don't want to live in denile. I don't want to be the mother my mother was. And I don't want to deny my children's experiences.

That's great. A real spiritual awakening!!!

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kitty


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wow, rora!   Once I got to that place, willing to really take responsibility, suddenly I was filled with so much hope for myself and life in general.  This is the beginning of great changes for you.

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Jerry F


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(((((Rora)))))  It's easy to run your post thru the filter of the Serenity Prayer (as I
was taught by my sponsor) and then to start understanding my life, my choices
and my consequences before the program and now because of it.  Even your
young son might need to come to understand what that prayer is and is all about.
I hope he gets others in his life to share their own experiences, strengths and
hopes with like we have so that he also can arrive at peace of mind and spirit.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

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buick23


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Posts: 325
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I haven't been posting in a long time but have not left. Awareness is a great thing. Without awareness nothing would change. Thanks for posting. Raising children is not easy whether they are in a perfect home or not.

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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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Rora, I had to giggle when I read your post. I co taught a kindergarten class a long time ago.

You just described "Larry." He was even climbing on the counters and running all over.

What I see is a kid who is crying out for attention. Doing negative things to get it, and he is getting negative attention back!

The best thing to do is to have him be a helper, do little things for the teacher, help other students.

Make him feel important. Then also have someone help him or be his partner.

Same at home. For years he has been left out, with out you meaning to! Kids always blame themselves and feel they are the reason things are bad.

No one can hide anything from a kid, no way. Even a 2 year old "gets it."

It is not your fault, it was just life! It can be turned around, no one gives us a manual how to raise kids in the first place, throw in an A parent and geez no wonder it is such a mess.

He has had you, a strong foundation. Now he needs you to cont that and help him.

What I did with Larry was nothing. But to him it was everything. One day I made him a big gold star that said I was proud of him. My co teacher did not like it. Oh well! I had Larry in High School, he still had his gold star and told me it changed his life!

I was so happy! Making him a helper and giving him positive attention works, Time outs and all that just break them more. Negative attention NEVER works. The goal is to change a behavior.

Believe me I worked  troubled high school kids too. I mean the scarey ones. I treated them how I wanted to be treated and had their respect. I looked for their good and brought it up.

Anyway you did and are doing fine! Now just continue. I am SURE he is a very cool little guy.

LOL as far as staying in line, omg that cracked me up NONE of them can. lol I was so amazed how hard it was for them. lol.

I loved your share, and am so proud of you for coming and letting it out.

love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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PS how many times does it take for an ADULT to figure out that time out does not work in all situations????

And what kind of positive reinforcement did she/he give your son? No wonder he came home sad. He feels like a failure and he is only five or six!

love,debilyn

__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
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