The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It just recently dawned on me, not sure why now. That during the first few years of our relationship anytime I would bring up a subject of intimate discussion- you know those conversations that most "normal" couples just have as they get to know eachother, beliefs, values and feelings- well it would somehow get all twisted and My "A" boyfriend would end up saying I didn't trust him- I would be all confused as to how he got the message that I didn't trust him from what I was saying or asking and or eventually I ended up thinking why am I so insecure and untrusting- well as long as I was focused on why I was or wasn't what he said I was ( insecure, untrusting, accustory) and very busy feverishly explaining and overexplaining why I didn't mean it that way- we somehow never got around to discussing the orginal intimate relationship type question- how nice for him. I spent several years all twisted up inside over this.
I post this primarily in case someone else has similar issues it would be nice to know about and I want to encourage you, let you know your not alone.
Second: now that he seems to have changed from this (with no explaination or apology) just doesn't do it anymore. Why do I still wonder if maybe now I'm being manuplated another way and I can't see it? - seems like his years of saying I didn't trust him as an excuse not to talk to me made me not trust him??? huh???
Realizing his carrying on about how I didn't trust him kept him safe from having to open up and discuss trust and what it meant to him or even what our relationship was about, it kept me at arms distance- it kept me worried about offending him.
Even now I still get all worried when he indicates he may not want me yet I think often about how hard it is and how I could just walk away from all the craziness and yet I do everything I can to hang on.
I know the answer is to focus on myself and higher power- no doubt this works wonders- just felt like posting this, maybe some can identify.
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 1st of December 2009 05:43:24 PM
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 1st of December 2009 06:14:52 PM
Thank you for sharing- it's great when I realize I'm not alone in my issues really thanks!!
Almost wanted to cry when you said " would do anything to get out of it" because one of the definitions of love to me is wanting to share your heatfelt feelings with the other person and hear their feelings and "bond" by exploring similarities and differences and if you don't want to does that mean you don't know how to love and be loved or is there another definition of love that I don't know
In other words if you don't like to share your feelings how do you know if you love someone?
-- Edited by glad on Friday 4th of December 2009 09:50:35 AM
It just recently dawned on me, not sure why now. That during the first few years of our relationship anytime I would bring up a subject of intimate discussion- you know those conversations that most "normal" couples just have as they get to know eachother, beliefs, values and feelings- well it would somehow get all twisted and My "A" boyfriend would end up saying I didn't trust him- I would be all confused as to how he got the message that I didn't trust him from what I was saying or asking and or eventually I ended up thinking why am I so insecure and untrusting- well as long as I was focused on why I was or wasn't what he said I was ( insecure, untrusting, accustory) and very busy feverishly explaining and overexplaining why I didn't mean it that way- we somehow never got around to discussing the orginal intimate relationship type question- how nice for him. I spent several years all twisted up inside over this.
I post this primarily in case someone else has similar issues it would be nice to know about and I want to encourage you, let you know your not alone.
Second: now that he seems to have changed from this (with no explaination or apology) just doesn't do it anymore. Why do I still wonder if maybe now I'm being manuplated another way and I can't see it? - seems like his years of saying I didn't trust him as an excuse not to talk to me made me not trust him??? huh???
Realizing his carrying on about how I didn't trust him kept him safe from having to open up and discuss trust and what it meant to him or even what our relationship was about, it kept me at arms distance- it kept me worried about offending him.
Even now I still get all worried when he indicates he may not want me yet I think often about how hard it is and how I could just walk away from all the craziness and yet I do everything I can to hang on.
I know the answer is to focus on myself and higher power- no doubt this works wonders- just felt like posting this, maybe some can identify.
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 1st of December 2009 05:43:24 PM
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 1st of December 2009 06:14:52 PM
did I write this? I think I wrote this
yes, I feel EXACLTY this way. Every time I try to talk to my BF, he lashes out in some odd way. It took me years to realize why he was so odd in his behavior until I learned about AA and Al anon.
