I feel like I need to do something but don't know - Al-Anon Family Group

Ragdolls · Member

I feel like I need to do something but don't know

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome , what u need is to find an Al-Anon meeting fast there is nothing u can do about him , u cannot save someone who dosent want to be saved . taking care of him is not your job thats up to him , yours is to look after yourself emotionally , physically and spiritually , get your life back on track .
The reason he has nothing is because he keeps pawning it to drink , this is a disease and he will do anything to get what he needs .
We are enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should and could do for themselves nothing will change except it will get worse . We believe the lies , we lie for them , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior , we cover up thier mistakes over and over again .that is our insanity .as long as we contiune to do these things we are actually helping them to drink , ( which really made me mad ) so I stopped doing them , I had to step aside and allow him the dignity to grow up and take responsibility for his own mess. In our program u will find the support u need to live with his disease and recover from it regardless of what he is doing u will be ok . Oh and the purpose of rehab is to recover and not live with drugs or alcohol , his reason for not going is BS. just another excuse . he is just not ready .
Today does not have to be a rough day for you, find a meeting and let him figure it out himself , we have choices , to stay and watch the chaos or go to a meeting and leave it with him where it belongs .
Some times we need to nothing , just let it unfold the way its supposed to with no interfernce from you.

-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 1st of December 2009 02:05:52 PM

Ragdolls · Member

I have a a meeting to go to on Wednesday but I'm still really new to al anon.

I just keep going back in forth in my mind. I think about how horrible I feel right now and how much I hate what this is doing to me and then I remember the good times we had. I was always hoping the sober loving fiance would come back. The sober fiance was the most loving person I knew. He was so giving and funny. I miss my life.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

My dear new friend Ragdolls,

Your Afiance could be my ex AH or my A daughter - or probably about 90 % of the loved ones we share about here -

Sober and sane they are really wonderful people - BUT under the influence of their disease - there is NO sanity in those situations

What I have learned in my recovery thru Al-Anon, MIP, working with a sponsor, reaching out for help and following the guidance of my Higher Power - the best thing that I can do is learn to take care of ME and completely get out of the way of the Alcoholic/addict.

It has been my experience in dealing with the alcoholics/addicts; It doesn't matter if it is 10 days, 30 days, 3 wks, a month or tomorrow - an active alcoholic usually will never have there stuff together so that they can leave your home. Allowing them extra days to get a job, get a place to live, blah, blah, blah - never helped my situation - it only made me further in debt and more insane.

Stepping out of their way and letting them find their own path - the dignity and self-respect to seek help for themselves is the most loving and kind thing that you can do for them and for yourself.

I know it doesn't feel like it - they won't see it as that either - but truly it is.

HUGS to you,
Rita

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Good about the meeting on wed , remember the good times casue they are few and far between when living with active alcoholism . It is possible to be happy living with an active alcoholic and Al-Anon will s how u how to do that .
This is a disease and it is progressive never gets better only gets worse .
The insantiy will stop as u gt a different perspective on whats really happning around u and u will learn to detach and love the man hate the disease . Pick up a detachment pamphlet at your meetings 5 cents and do what it says it will change yor life for the better. I was told to step aside so God could get at him .
Your going to be okay , life will get better . Louise

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It is very, very sad, that but man you loved has gone into hiding -- has put himself into hiding, and he is the only one who can make the decision to start the task of recovery. So far he does know that you will be there to cushion his landing -- and to provide things to steal so he can buy more drink.

It rang true with me when I read that an alcoholic may be in a relationship, but he's having an affair with alcohol. They certainly rely on our memories of the relationship as it used to be before they started the affair. It's hard to face that we can't make it come back by trying hard. We have no control at all.

But would you have started the relationship and enjoyed it if he had stolen your video games, your ring, and your other things? That's where you are now.

There is another place he could be besides your house. You could get the bail revoked, get your money back, and he would have a place to be. They have AA programs in jail. I'm not saying whether or not you should do it; it's just that it's an option.

I hope you can get to a lot of meetings. Don't try to do this without lots of support. This is very, very hard. Keep coming back.

Ragdolls · Member

I'm worried because he's on methadone (sp?) for pain management and that's not a med that they can just take you off of. You have to be weaned off of it. That's the med he has to get the breathalyzer for and he couldn't get it today. I'm worried about what I'll be walking into when I get home. I don't think they would medicate him in jail. I'm worried about that too. He's under my car insurance which worries me some more.

I'm just full of worry. Today has been a really rough day but I'm grateful that some people want to buy homemade pumpkin rolls! Maybe I'll make an extra and take out my frustrations and worry on it. :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Rags...take one of those homemade pumpkin rolls to the meeting on Wednesday
and watch the scramble!! Kinda like a first service...LOL!! You have gotten some
very very good ESH and I'm not gonna even try to add except that reading back
on earlier post here can be very supportive also for your condition. I was trying
to find an earlier post that included "Tough Love" as the subject and that can be
very supportive to your thinking and acting condition at the moment.

I pray that you keep coming back and that your Wednesday meeting becomes a
reality. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Kate,

I did what we discussed in the PM. You will get the ODAT book tomorrow, UPS Next Day Air, in time for your Wednesday Al-Anon Meeting. Keep going back to the meetings and continue coming to MIP. Remember you are never alone and there are tons of ESH that the members of this board will be happy to give away to you.

So true. "Allowing the alocholic to make his own mistakes and suffer his own consequences without any interference from us". They have to find their own way. We can't lead them, fix them, push or pull them. 99% of the time from my experience and experiences of others I have heard speak, the best think we can do for our Alocholic is absolutely nothing.
Your Alocholic is going to do what he is going to do. The most important thing is "What are you going to do"? My suggestion is for you to start taking care of "Kate" first. That is the most important thing I took from my first Al-Anon meeting, and the most important thing you can do for yourself.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 1st of December 2009 07:26:46 PM

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

He says I have a rough night ahead of me because he'll be sweating, irritable, in pain

Excuse me? "You're" going to have a rough night because he drank?
Whatever he goes through, he knew what he was doing and what was coming. There's really no reason for it to be hard for you. "You" didn't cause it!

I'm a little confused...why is he on methadone? Does he also have a heroin/opiate addiction?
Dangerous side effects can occur when alcohol is combined with methadone.

I understand you missing your "used to be" life. That's exactly what keeps us where we are, trying to hold on to the dream. Only it no longer exists. It's a rude awakening but luckily we can recover and move forward.
My best suggestion for tonight is to do your best to stay uninvolved in his drama. There's no sense in signing up for it. He did it, he owns it. It's not yours to deal with. The more we attempt to save, fix or baby them, the further away from being sober. They have to hate it as much, if not more, then we do.

The chatroom is open 24/7 if you need to distract yourself tonight.

Christy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We CAN have them leave when they have nothing, because not doing so is enabling the behavior.

Nothing will change unless we stick to our boundaries. If we don't stick to what we say, the disease knows it can do whatever it wants.

Only you will know if you want to enable him by allowing this to go on. It sure is not easy on us, because we love the person but hate the disease. And it is the disease we want to get rid of!

Keep coming and letting things out. All I know is I could not handle it anymore either. He sold all my tools and his. Stuff would come up missing after he had moved on! There were things that were my gmas and great gmas that went away.

Hugs,debilyn

Ragdolls · Member

He is on methadone for pain management. He has major back and knee issues and I think it started as a research program and he's been on it ever since.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can definitely understand. Many of us have been there. I lived walking on eggshells for years. Al anon can be there for you. You can detach from him. Whatever the court has in store for him he has very little control over it.

I've certainly been there with the constqnt phone calls, the crisis after crisis and more. Eventually, I hate to say this, I stopped jumping. Do you need to jump up all the time?

I can understand the fear and trepidation. I know I tried to control for a long long time. I also tried to reason, remonstrate and coak him. Nothing worked. He had to go to his bottom. I had my own bottom of course.

Sometimes we do get to points where we can enforce, sometimes we don't. No one here is going to judge, label or condem you if you can't enforce whatever boundary you have. I do know al anon has helped me tremendously with boundaries. I work on them every day. I no longer live with personal crisis day in day out but I certainly live with fear and not knowing many times. I also live around people who act out. To a certain extent I have boundaries, to another extent there is no question their actions affect me and deeply.

You have a friend in al anon. We can help. You can come here anytime to sound off, get support, find understanding. Al anon can be your friend until at some point you start being your own best friend.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.