The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I decided that I need to stop contact with my ABF. It hurts to much when we chat and I am left feeling variuos emotions, hurt, pain , frusration. I sent him a txt saying I carnt do this anymore. He had put his dole money into one of my bank accounts told him my bro would drop it off. He has rang about 5 times today which I ignored (took a lot of will power). In the end I answered told him money had not gone in the bank and my bro would drop it off when it did. Then we chatted which I dont want to do. He said when sober for six months i was pressuring him to do to much. Said he needs time to get to know him. I told him I am under lots of pressure to just wanted equal partner I know it is hard for him but I have needs to. Told him I carnt do the phone calls the hurt to much. Its like he is sick i uderstand but my needs not getting met make me get resentful. I do not know what he wants or expects. I think he just wants me to understand, accept. I told him if I accept where he is at mo then that means he carnt give me what I need. So we either have no contact or chat on phone. I am sick of understanding, of supporting. ( is this selfish). All I know is my head is done in after i speak to him. I told him that he wants to concentrate on himself and so do I the phone calls need to stop. There is stuff of his nephews here who died I need to get it dropped off, get the money to him and start to really get on with my life. I am powerless over him, I need to create the life I want and on my own responsibilies. I know I have played a part in this and I know some off what he says is true. I am expecting a sick person to be an equal partner and he carnt, then I get upset. Well I can change this I can not be his partner and leave him to do what he needs to. I need to focus on myself and stop expecting him to support me he carnt. I am detaching but there is a bit of anger in there I need this though or I can not do it. I will deal with my resentments once they have served their purpose, they are my spirit screaming that this is not good for me. If I start concentrating on its a disease I feel sorry for him and the cycle starts. I carnt do this anymore. I just want to be happy.
any ESH would be gratefully appreciated be honest i can take it
Hi Tracy, No, you aren't selfish. We must learn to live our lives for us or we will have a very hard time find happiness. I think the single, most important sentence in your post was... "I am powerless over him, I need to create the life I want and on my own responsibilies."
It sounds like an awesome new adventure!! Have fun! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It is not selfish. You are just starting from where you are standing. Where you are right now is where anger can help you start learning the process of detachment. When you don't need the anger anymore, you will be able to let go of it. For now, use it if you need it. Take the time that you need to get distance and get into your program and learn what it is that you really want and need. I guarantee that what you think you want and need now will look different in time. Its a process.
If it is toxic to you to speak to him, then by all means, DON'T. He doesn't need you right now, anyway. He needs to work his own program. When you are both basket cases, you will be no good to each other.
Take care of you, whatver that looks like.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
