The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The good news is that I have found another counselor to help me through the holidays. I had to be very assertive to make that transition but I am looking forward to the chance to work on some of my "holiday issues". One of my aims this year is just to have a calm, uneventful, peaceful event. I am no longer gravitating towards the chaos that has always filled my life. I have not had the check that was stolen replaced and I have no idea when it will happen if it will. I have not let go yet but I no longer rage and fume about it as much. Needless to say I have an idea who did it and I believe at some point I may even forgive them. As for now I am still waiting to see if I get a replacement.
Normally at the end of the year I am full of grief, resentment and regret. This year I am just full of grief about what led me to a relationship with an alcoholic in the first place. I am well aware now of all the traits that led me on this journey. Grief seems to be more rejuvenating than the impasse of resentment and rage and chaos, there is a process of letting go of what is in it which there isn't in resentment. I am sure I have been avoiding this grief all my life and certainly there is no better distraction than an active alcoholic to fill that purpose. I've certainly had my share of distractions!
I no longer wonder about the ex A. There is no question for me that if he continued using his life is much the same. I no longer need to know what that is specifically because I'm all too familiar with how he can cause pain and chaos to those around him. I know also that some of my expectations of him while he was certainly "using" our entire relationship were absolutely out of whack. I have had many insights into that and one of the key ones is that I seem to regress when I am in a relationship. I want to be taken care of and the price I pay for that is way too high. I feel helpless and I want someone to help me and I seem to end up with people who cause me far more problems that I started out with. Whatever they help me with becomes a huge explosion of chaos, lies, emotional quagmires and more. And I still seem to hold onto this notion that someday they'll fit the role I gave them!
I am not dreading the holidays, counting day the days till they are over, resenting others who have better ones. I certainly don't go out of my way to see other people who are having a great time but neither do I resent them for having one. I am grateful to have al anon to help me through this transition. I don't doubt one day I will have a fuller, warmer, healthier life. I don't at the moment but I know I am on my way there at the moment.
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Sunday 29th of November 2009 04:58:15 PM
Very nice share, Maresie. I have a brother that I have had to let go af like that. He is toxic to be around and I have to just not know what is going on in his life. He lives close and my mother sees him regularly, but I do not ask and she has learned not to tell me about what his lates escapade is. I love him, but I cannot help him. If he ever becomes ready to get better, I am here and so is my sober AH, to point him in the right direction. But he has to be ready and he has to ask. I will not pursue it.
I think you have already gotten to a point that is much healthier than a year or two ago. Live for today. You are blessed with much good progress. Don't let the picture in your mind of that "fuller, warmer, healthier life" get in the way of enjoying today and what you have accomplished so far.
You are an inspiration.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I know that Christmas can be a hard time for those of us who have suffered from the disease of alcoholism. One of the greatest ideas for an alternative Christmas that I've heard came from a woman who had divorced her alcoholic husband and lost her mom to cancer, both in a short time span. She couldn't bring herself to celebrate the traditional way...with Christmas trees, Santa, caroling and such. She decided to concentrate on the true meaning of Christmas (for her) which was Christ's birth. She served in a homeless shelter, had her kids give to a angel tree in addition to giving them their own gifts and basically focused on serving others.
Another equally off-the wall idea I heard at an al-anon meeting was a guy that decided that he was going to have a "beach-party" Christmas and filled a baby swimming pool with sand, put up fake palm trees, beach balls and Christmas lights.
I say, do whatever it takes to get you through the season. I know for myself, the past few years (I've lost count) have not been very happy ones. I muddled through Christmas in a haze. I couldn't do the things that I normally do...send out Christmas cards, put up the tree in a decent time frame (like maybe got it up Christams eve) and then couldn't stand to take it down till way late (one year it was Easter). I don't know what was up with that.
This year will be different. I've started a new life without the alcoholic in my life. My mother, who has alzheimers, is soon going to be cared for 15 hours a week by a Veterans Home Care service. This will give me a break that I desperately need and allow me to rejoin the work force. Finances aren't as tight this year and hope is slowly ebbing its way back into my life.
I plan, once again, to send out Christmas cards. I also plan on giving Christmas gifts to some of my friends this year that haven't received gifts from me in awhile (I'm surprised they're still my friends!). I hope to be active in some charity Christmas events at my church, such as Operation Christmas Child. And I AM going to put up a tree before Christmas Eve and take it down before Easter! lol
The Al-anon round robin always has some interesting and innovative ways to celebrate Christmas when your dealing with an alcoholic. I always enjoy reading them. We even did a meeting topic on one last year (or was that the year before?) Anyway, I encourage all to celebrate this season in your own special way and don't let the alcoholic(s) in your life steal your joy.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
