The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello Everyone. This is my first post here. I found this board while looking around the net for Al Anon meetings in my area. I figured this would be a good place to start before I start going.
I warn you...this is a very long post and I am sorry.
I'm 24 years old, and my Father has been an A for as long as I can remember. I think I started noticing it when I was 13. I guess my Mom and 2 older sisters couldn't shelter me from it anymore. I did what I thought was best, and that was act like nothing was wrong. But soon I saw the fights between my parents, and my sisters and my dad getting into heated arguments. It wasn't till I was about 18 when I started having my own battles with my dad. Bother my sisters had moved out and it was just my mom, dad, and myself in the house...which I guess meant his attention was no on me. Started with him yelling at me and calling me names. It then progressed into me shouting back. Soon we were having full blown arguments, which usually resulted in me leaving and clearing my head.
For the last couple years, he's been on again off again. When he's off, he's probably one of the best fathers in the world. But when he's on...all the emotions for him come back. I can't help but think due to the drinking, I never had a father figure in my life. Someone to teach me right from wrong and how to be a man.
Didn't think I needed help dealing with this untill this past Thanksgiving morning. My Fiancee slept by because she had been in a minor car accident the night before. My dad had been on again for about 2 weeks at this point. An argument started up with my mom, and then I got involved. He started yelling for my Fiancee to come out of my room because he wanted to talk to her (Basically to try to get someone on his side). He had done this years ago when 2 of my friends were in my room. The situation on Thanksgiving brought back the memories of hate and embarrassment. I was able to get me dad in one of the rooms upstairs, and after more yelling told my mom not to let him out till I was gone and got my Fiancee out of there in a flash. I think it was this that finally made me realize I needed help. The pain I was feeling was unbearable. I haven't had a good night sleep since, and I am constantly crying just thinking about what happened. My fear is that if my father doesn't stop he will die from it, yet he never wants to listen, and I am honestly on my last wheels. He's been to rehab, hospitals, and detox and nothing has worked. Sometimes I'm afraid if i'm not careful and watch what I do when i'm depressed, I'm gonna end up like him. I guess I've come to the conclusion that it's time to focus on myself and not him....just not sure how to do that.
Again I'm sorry about this long post but I had to get this out. Thank you K
Welcome to MIP and to Al-Anon. I would encourage you to go to a meeting and check it out. The program has saved me in so many ways. One of the first things that you will hear is that you didn't cause the A to drink, you can't control the drinking and you can cure the A. So, the program is about learning how to live happy, joyous and free whether the A is still drinking or not. One the my earliest memories of Al-Anon is of walking out of my first meeting realizing that I was not crazy and that I was not alone!! It made such an immediate impact on me because I had thought for years that it was all my fault--I wasn't perfect enough, I didn't try hard enough, I wasn't good enough. When, in reality, it is all about the A and the disease. In Al-anon, I have come to learn and accept (most days) that I am good enough just as I am and that I do not have to put up with unacceptable behavior from the A.
So, welcome!! I hope that you come back. Al-Anon encourages you to try at least 6 different meetings before you decide whether the program is for you or not. Each meeting is a little different, I found what was to become my "home group" on my second different meeting. You will find alot of support on this board, but I would encourage you to try F2F meetings if you can.
You should be proud of yourself for taking this first step for you--that first step can be so hard to take!!
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
What a great gift you are reaching out for help. There are certainly many many places that can help you. Al anon can give you many many tools that can help you manage dealing with your father. I don't know whether you know it but this board also had an Adult Children of alcoholics section. There is no question you can be helped there too.
Al anon is a wonderful resource. There are many tools that can help you, detachment, focusing on yourself, not arguing with your father when he is drunk ( I know it sounds pretty impossible to imagine), getting busy, and many more things you can do to help alleviate the tension, pain and chaos that is in your enviroment.
There is a chat room on this board that is full of amazing welcoming people. There is usually someone there who can listen. We also have meetings twice a day that are an incredible resource for the newcomer. In addition you may want to try some meetings in your area. I think its wise to try one or two. You will find people there who can understand, make suggestions and welcome you.
I certainly understand a great deal about shame and rage and feeling overwhelmed. I've personally spent years not sleeping because I lived around an alcoholic. I absolutely worried myself to sickness about their drinking. In al anon we adopt the three C's. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. Remember that. I know it sounds very brief but the less we buy into that our behavior has anything whatsoever to do with their drinking and using the better it is. Certainly there are behaviors we may want to change, over reaction, anger, raging, panic and more. Nevertheless nothing but nothing you can do can make or stop an alcoholic from drinking. The responsibility to do that has to be squarely on their shoulders and anything else seems to enable them in some way.
Welcome to this wonderful place. I hope you will get to know us and learn more about the program. I have never regretted for one moment coming here.
