The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Focusing on myself, relying on myself is something I have always found hard. I am a very relaible person and believe that I have made good choices in most areas of my life except relationships. I have learnt on my journey with Al non that I choose people who need me I like to feel needed then I try and help them fix them, so that they can love me they way I have loved them , be a good partner to me. But now I realsie they grow to resent my controling and sorry to say I make them feel bad about themselves always pointing out how they need to change etc.
No one is going to be my night in shinning armour. My ABF has gone right back to square one where he was when I met him. That is who he is, that is how he chooses to live his life. He has tried to do it my way working, being sober, he just is not strong enough to at the mo and can not give me what I need and I know he feels really bad about this. I told him the other night we couldnot have a romantic relationship for two reasons I am sick of being hurt and secondly , I do not like how I behave around him, control, punishing because he carnt meet my needs. It is sad this disease stops people who love each other being together. I have choices though I can accept or move on create life I desire. I am dealing with lots of emtions at mo, learning lots of lessons and trying to keep the focus on myself. I have been so unhappy for so long and I am tired. My job is to look after me. He has decided to go back to his old life. But I realsie today even if he goes into recovery he still carnt meet my needs this is my job. We are finding it hard to truley let go we have had odd phone converstaion, but I think I need to be brave and cut all contact its not fair on him or me it is not going to work and being friends hurts to much. I am talking to HP all the time and I am recieving guidance in lots of different ways. It all seems to be pushing me towards self love and care, towards improving myself rather than trying to change others. The more I follow this guidance the more at peace I seem to be. The end is near and a new beginning I pray my ABF finds his Hp but I am not it I am 40 on boxingday and you know what they say LIFE BEGINS. I have learnt so much from this think it is about time I put it all in to practice step one leave him to it and his HP and start to sort out my own unmanageable life.
hugs
-- Edited by Tracy on Saturday 28th of November 2009 08:54:04 AM
-- Edited by Tracy on Saturday 28th of November 2009 10:42:27 AM
Tracy: All I can say is good luck on turning 40! I have been over that for three years! I feel a lot better now than the day I turned 40 --that's a long story. It is so good to see you focusing on yourself--pat yourself on the back & give yourself a good bear hug! Kathleen
40I was there once. Can only remember being there though. Can't remember what I did or said. I know it was a few years after the alcoholic of my life and that I attempted another shot at fixing her again which as before didn't work and then I remember also learning how to love her for real after that time and not finding a reason to be married to her. Life was good or better than before and now life is better than that time too because I stayed in/with the program and continued to listen learn and practice it.
One thing that I did come to understand was that I could never compete with alcohol for my alcoholic wife's affection and attention. Alcohol always outclassed me in that area. I didn't even come in second to last next to alcohol and I almost came in dead last. I learned that to love an alcoholic willingly and knowingly I would have to intentionally put my life on hold until only God would know when and that God didn't want me to do that. My HP love both my alcoholic and I unconditionally and wanted us to do and be the best we could with the life HP gave us. This was the gift and what we do with it is our gift back.
You've been on a good journey Tracy...I for one am in support of that. Keep coming back!! (((((hugs)))))
