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Today I dont feel like I'm going to make it through the holidays..... Last night I started to get really depressed, thinking about how I never would have thought last Thanksgiving/Christmas that this year my AH would be living with another woman and her kids..... Today the kids have all the Christmas stuff out...the boys are putting lights on the roof, which I wasn't going to do this year (I dont have the heart to tell them I can't afford to turn them on bcuz their dad is trying to force me out of the house and doesn't want to pay for anything) I have to go through all our ornaments for the past 20 years..with all our names on them etc...It's killing me...
This is how I feel...and I know it's sooooo wrong...help me with these feelings...
I wish inside that my kids would be mad at their A dad...for what he's done. I feel that they being nice to him..seeing him, accepting what he's done (leaving this family on a drinking binge..moving in with a woman and her two kids 50 miles away) shows them this is acceptable behavior, that it's ok to do things like this. I feel as though them not hating him or whatnot makes his head believe that what he's done is right and ok... that if his kids can forgive him, then everyone else should too... I'm struggling pretty badly with this, I really am, and I'm not letting the kids know I feel this way of course...but it's truly tearing me up inside...
Hi, I understand how you feel I felt like this six years ago when I lost my husband to another addiction he had been in my life for over 20 years. You are grieving, you have had a tough time. Take care of you if another person was in your situation you would not think they were wrong to feel this pain. This is what it is grief, feelings they come and go. When I am bad I try and take extra care of me , I matter today. My partner went with someone else and today they have split his life is still a mess. I know that him going with her was not about me its about him. I do take the person I loves behaviors personall but really we are all on a learning journey and addicts make more mistakes than most it is not personal they are ill. It does not mean we are unlovable, or uglyor nasty. It is they are sick.
When i get really down I have a cry, then i read my literature if that doesnt work i come on here or ring my sponsor. I throw myself into my programme i fight the pain and in time it passes.
THIS TO SHALL PASS
I hope this helps, at moment I am fighting to end this relationship with my ABF after nearly five years so been through this twice, but have gratitude i have learnt so much about me and how I pick sick people and try to fix thm. So Its all been worth it cause I intend to learn from my mistakes and create a happy life.
take what you like and leave the rest hope you feel the light of HP again very soon hugs
So sorry you are feeling so down. Remember that your children have a hard road: you can feel angry at your ex 100%, but he is their dad. They must be feeling pain now, but kids are good at hiding pain and even at not realizing it is eating away at them. And it's dangerous for kids to feel nothing but hatred for one of their parents, because they start wondering, "If he's all bad, does that mean I have a part that's all bad too?"
To me what your feelings might be saying is that you really need someone to confide in, someone you can let loose to, unlike with your kids where you have to be calm and even-handed, however much you don't feel like it. Can you get to some meetings? Remember that some of them have childcare. Or if you have a sponsor, do call her. And of course these boards are here for you, and we've all been there or are arriving there.
It is a tragedy all round. The woman your ex is with may be in a great honeymoon period, I don't know, but if so she'll soon find out that she's in a relationship with an unreliable, out-of-control alcoholic. You're the one who's in the clear with the chance for a better life. We all know what it's like to feel just awful, and the happy-happy holiday decorations and ads don't help. But this will pass. Do something extra special for yourself today. You deserve support from someone who can take better care of you than your ex could, and that person is you.
Aloha S...(((((hugs))))) you're not in a good place. Feelings are feelings not good and not bad (its not a moral issue) I also think hurt and grief are what you are struggling with and its okay...normal. I learned how to tantrum on purpose when I was feeling what you are feeling now and I did it good, jumping up and down, jerking my arms in the air and screaming "I don't like it, I don't like it" over and over until I was finished (about 1 minute) and when I was done I let it go..turned it over and went for good stuff. I have learned to place boundaries around my pain so that it doesn't become the "only" thing going on with me.
I learned also how to let others, in this case your kiddos, have their impressions and perspectives and not try to manipulate everyone over to my side of the the fence...into the misery acerage. That way instead of getting caught up in a crowd of miserable people I could reduce it to just my HP and self. It does pass faster when the number of moaners is less. I've worked with and counseled young people. They see the picture very clearly and have to decide what trails they need to travel to be with the people they love inspite of what those people do and how they behave. If they are loving you and loving their father they are doing what we are trying to learn in recovery...Love anyway.
Try a meeting, literature, sponsor and something nice for yourself (M&M sundae... oh yay!!) and maybe an "on purpose" tantrum.
As another oldtimer on the board, I read Jerry's response and the best insight I can offer is "me too", to everything stated there.... Your issue is with their Dad, and it's simply an unnecessary (and dangerous) burden to want to take on your kids' relationship with their father....
Take care Tom
p.s. I think we maintain a stocking fund so Jerry's computer never drops him out of the picture ever again!! :)
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I wish inside that my kids would be mad at their A dad...for what he's done. I feel that they being nice to him..seeing him, accepting what he's done (leaving this family on a drinking binge..moving in with a woman and her two kids 50 miles away) shows them this is acceptable behavior, that it's ok to do things like this. I feel as though them not hating him or whatnot makes his head believe that what he's done is right and ok... that if his kids can forgive him, then everyone else should too... I'm struggling pretty badly with this, I really am, and I'm not letting the kids know I feel this way of course...but it's truly tearing me up inside...
What you're feeling towards your husband is normal. I, too, like what Jerry wrote.
The part of your post that hit me the hardest was how you wish your children were mad at him, too. Even though I'm now 55 years old, I can vividly recall how hard it was when my mom would try to make me and my siblings side with her. She'd try to get us to see how wrong and immoral he was; heck, she is still doing that today at age 82!
Anyway, I realize that you are not talking bad about your husband in front of them, nor trying to get them to side with you. Truly, I do.
Coming from a child's perspective, parents are parents - good, bad, or otherwise. Children want to see the good in their parents, and that is what most do. I recall telling my mom that I didn't care what she thought or what he did, that I loved him no matter what. He was my dad!
Later on in life, I did realize that my dad was not a saint (nor was my mom); that he made some unwise choices.
In time, your children will most likely see the situation with different eyes. Let them be what they are - children.
I know how feelings can get a grip on you and they are hard to shake. But it's possible. Reread Jerry's post.
Please take care and enjoy the holidays with your children. They grow up so fast! My sons are 32 and 33 now. Time does fly. Don't waste it on anger. Go hug them and have fun with them.
Gail Michelle
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Friday 27th of November 2009 11:51:05 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know it is hard to keep a good face in front of the kids. I agree that it sounds like you need someone to confide in. Someone program would probably be best as they will not try to tell you what to do, just listen and understand in support. I quit confiding in people outside the program cause most of them just didn't get it. You don't need someone to get on the bandwagon, just someone to listen and "get it".
You don't have to go through this by yourself. There are many people here and in the rooms of Al-Anon who know where you are because they have been there too.
Make sure to take extra good care of yourself. You are worth the effort.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
This is a rough time for you, for sure. But really, I'm sure you would much rather have your children as they are rather then feeling the pain and hurt that you are experiencing. Nothing is worse then seeing our kids with broken hearts. Especially something that can't be made better by just a kiss and a hug.
(((hugs)))
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I totally understand it all...I go back and forth on a daily basis on how I feel. I just want the pain to go away and to really let it all go, but its so hard to just step away. I thank God for those of you on here who understand and speak it so that I can read it over and over again whenever I'm feeling so badly.
I cherish my children with all my heart and not only do I have to deal with my AH having left me this year...I have to deal with my oldest son leaving for the Navy on Jan 6th....
Your kids dont aprove of what dad is doing but they love him , kids have a knack of adjusting to what is much quicker than we do , after all they have been dancing to the alcoholics tune all thier lives ,they adjust and go with the flow . You do xmas for the kids and yourself make it the best one yet , dosent have to be expensive just happy , put xmas music on and enjoy the season , now is the time to practice Fake it til u make it . for all of your sakes . You will get thru this and if your not already please find a meeting for yourself u need support u do not have to go thru this alone . Your worth the effort . You cannot let this disease win . You will be in my prayers , stay well . Louise
I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I know it well. I would encourage you to search Loupiness in the search box on this site and read some of her old posts. She also went through something very similar to you (and me) and she really used this program to her advantage. Lots of wisdom there.
And your feelings are NOT wrong or bad. They just are. They are truth, and real and yours. In the first few months of my split from my ex, I thought maybe I was the one who was bipolar. I was up, I was down, I was raging, I was literally insane. But I got myself to meetings daily, sometimes twice a day and I cried and I listened and I used my phone lists and I held on tight with both hands. The first Chritmas was really, really rough, but I did it and got through it.
I'll tell you why. When I was 15, my grandma died. In february. The following Christmas, my mother (grandma's daughter) didn't do a thing for christmas. Nothing. I was 15 and I decorated, made cookies, did a dinner. My mother chose to work the entire holiday. Being an only child with NO other family at that point, I had to create my own holiday. Which I did. But all of my friends had to be with their families on Christmas day and I was totally alone. Because my mother couldn't deal. Because she was too sad. So she avoided and ignored me and any needs I might have. Ahhh, the family of alcoholism at it's best.
So, the first christmas without my ex was also the first christmas without my dad. My dad was the one who always threw me my birthday party (dec. 24) So now, not only did the kids and I have no one for Christmas, but the whole routien for christmas eve was ruined also. Insted of just curling up and ignoring the world and my kids, I thought up a new tradition. The kids and I go get manicures, eat a great lunch and then I have had the rest of the "family" over to my house for dinner and church (the worst has been being the only "santa").
This year, my ever lovin mama tells me that she and the "family" won't be coming over to my house because she doesn't want to. Yet another change that could potentially disappoint my kids. And hurt them. I expect nothing from my mother because I know she thinks of no one but herself. Ok, so what do I do now?
Being flat broke, I have devised another plan to make sure my kids and I are emotionally taken care of. We will do what we normally do, add a movie, a visit to friends and later church. And it will be ok, it will be fun. It will be different.
I could go on and on....I guess I have. I don't know if this helps. Sometimes I need to sit and cry and grieve and that helps. I guess what I am trying to say, is try not to let it kill the spirit for you. If you can't stand to look at the old ornaments, the dollar store has really pretty cheap ones. Maybe it's time to start collection of new ones. There are plenty of shelters that need help this time of year. There are plenty of us who don't have family we speak to, maybe this is the year to have a pot luck. Just try to keep the important people in your life in the forefront (you and your kids) and remember you are not alone and HP is always there even when you are saddest.
I can very much relate. I know for me I lost the entire picture of the now ex A's illness when his actions absolutely floored me. I was and still am angry at him. I know the anger swallowed me up on many many occasions. Learning to detach was so so key. I had to work on that as I would stumble and regress all the time. I also know for me (and I did not have children) sorting out all the debris took a long long time. For me it was well over a year. The ex A lived a nightmare, he made huge messes where ever he went. His ideas were also to do a geographic then he would reappear and demand certain things.
There is no question this program can help you. This is one place you can come to and vent and vent and vent some more. There is no one here who is going to deny you are in an impossible position. I also know that children do indeed have to go into denial, abandonment (which is what your children have suffered) is absolutely impossible for them to attempt to grasp until they are adults. Of course they are going to have to act the way they do because they simply can't get to the fact that your husband has left them.
I also know for me when the exA's relatives and other people had emotions about him that I over reacted to them. When the ex A's brother stopped speaking to him exasperated by his actions I over reacted. Over reacting is one of our issues. I do think its pretty hard to find a measured, mature reaction when we are on overwhelm but we can. I know for me the measured mature reaction engenders far less shame than the over reaction.
For most of my life Christmas and the holidays has been very very painful. I've really had to examine my people pleasing, my expectations and my reality. I didn't want to of course but when I did things changed for me.
I have absolutely no doubt this board can help you. The more concrete support you have the better you will be able to navigate this place. I also know that it is possible. Many many people here have been to hell and back. They made it, you can make it too.
