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This is my first post on this board, though I frequent the chat room often. I've come to ask for your advice about my XH who happens to be a very clever, verbally/emotionally abusive, chronic liar, excon, highly functioning alcoholic. He has changed his life around since I met him (he was drinking lots, had never had a job, no ID, had unofficial shared custody of his very messed up son); he now holds down a full-time job at a market research company, generally drinks beer (2 liters a day or more), doesn't miss work, almost never appears drunk, except after week-end outings with friends...BUT, this man also has anger issues: he punches walls, yells a lot, cusses more, freaks out daily about everything, AND he hasn't wanted to take care of our child since her birth. He hasn't changed her, fed her, bathed her, gotten up at night, or anything, and has told me he "never wanted her in the first place" and "only wants the fun stuff".
We separated three weeks ago, a mere month and a half after I fond Al-Anon. I left with our 1 year old daughter. I went to my parents' house at high suggestion because he said it was too hard to be around me knowing we were breaking up. Since I left, I have arranged and supervised 4 visits with him; three at his place and one at my parents'. I wanted to supervise because he hasn't ever been alone with our child for more than a hour or two at most, and usually complained bitterly about how difficult it was.
We're now in mediation to try to work out custody of our child. She is still breastfed and I feel still very much a baby.
XH wants shared custody as of 2 years old. Initially, I had said that I thought it was an ok idea, but the more I got away from him, the more I realized that shared custody would mean our little girl would be alone with a man who has trouble controlling his anger, who drinks daily, takes sedatives, etc. She can't come home and tell me what daddy did or said. So I've changed my mind and now I think shared custody should be a more long-term goal.
XH is furious and has threatened to take me to court for sole custody of our child. He says he found some pro-bono lawyer from the League of Disgruntled Daddies or something, and that they'll dig up all sorts of crap about my past (i was a dancer and supported him, we met at a swingers' group, and other stuff that's made up) to discredit me as a fit parent.
I really don't know what to do. I've gotten a lawyer, and had her draft legal proceedings, but honestly I was hoping that XH and I could work things out. We had mediation last week and we have a session again tonight, but I don't know how to approach it anymore. I don't think anyone will believe me that my X is an alcoholic because there's just no legal evidence. I've been documenting everything, but all I have are emails and my counselling reports where I discuss his abuse and excess drinking...
Is your lawyer familiar with custody battles with these issues? She or he is the one who could advise you best on your legal options.
If he's an ex con, that must be in the records. Not that all ex cons are unfit parents, but, depending on what he did, that might lend credibility to your assertions.
It also sounds to me as if he wants shared custody because he is mad, not because he has much attachment to your daughter. Someone should have a word in his ear about the hassle of taking care of a young child -- it's not the kind of hassle an alcoholic has much patience for. Being in the right place for the drop-off, changing the diapers, the constant supervision, etc. In addition, of course the breastfeeding is an issue, though that won't go on forever.
All things considered, I think the odds are against the fact that he'd get shared custody. A family member of mine went through this and had to bend over backwards proving that he was fit to have partial custody of a small child, including taking parenting classes, etc. (and he had no abuse issues). If you have a good lawyer familiar with these battles, I would think you're in good hands. But I understand the worry. I hope others will know more. Hugs to you.
Yes, I believe my lawyer is familiar with these sorts of issues, and I'm sure she's seen scarier stuff. She came recommended to me by the local domestic violence shelter. Our contact has been great though I feel that she's not very aggressive right now because my case isn't "dramatic", as in, my X isn't falling down drunk everyday, hitting me, hitting his son or threatening to kill me. Maybe it's just my impressions...I don't know.
I feel sort of...stuck because the kind of abuse he delivered was more emotional, verbal and psychological, and that doesn't leave noticeable scars. It's harder to prove. If he had beaten me and had DUIs, it would be easier to prove that we should wait for shared custody. As things are now, I'm afraid he'll get what he wants, then when our child is with him, just ignore her because she's a lot of "work".
Aloha NoDay...Welcome to the board for real...Your post hit me right where I have traveled including experience with Fathers' for Equal Rights. I won't speak to that because the group isn't about being unjust and they will not do stuff that is unethical. Let me say that the courts will and do collect linformation from both sides (family courts) in order to make a determination. Most of what they use is pertinent today information and if the past has been corrected they will not consider the evidence...in other words what is going on today. I am also a past Alternatives to Violence case manager and uncontrolled anger, rage and violence whether upon living or unliving victims is a real concern in custody issues. If he is violence prone he is barking up the wrong tree looking for sole custody and is using the threat of it much like anyone else would...to cause you to "scare down". For me this is a "sponsor assisted" journey along with other necessary help. I'll let you have my favorite slogan "Don't React!!" so that you can practice slowing down and taking your time to think and make more useful choices for yourself. You can also have "When in doubt...DON'T" (When there is any doubt about what you are involved in and being asked or pushed to do...don't make a decision to do anything until you can see more clearly.) Sponsors and meetings helped me to stop, look and listen so that I would not get all caught up with the emotions I had no control over. Our literature is also big problem solving stuff because I can read other high powered solutions to my condition at all times. MIP is a huge tool in my program today for which I am grateful beyond words.
You're dealing with the disease of alcoholism and an alcoholic...in truth he is at a disadvantage. That is the way it should be even in the face of "cunning, poweful and baffling". Go slow and keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I agree with Jerry. I will urge you to go slow and keep coming back. There are many with experience here and in the face2face meetings of Al-Anon. Please try to remember that right now your daughter is not 2 yrs old and this is not yet an eminent danger. That will help you to face the dilema calmly.
For the moment, he is probably just blowing smoke anyway. Who knows what an A will want tommorrow or next week or next month. Don't let him get you crazy, even from a distance. He is an A. That is what they do, make things crazy and lash out whenever things don't go their way.
I would agree to nothing just now as you are confused and need some time to think it through and work on recovering a bit yourself from all the abuse that you have suffered. As Jerry said, when in doubt...DON'T. That means don't make a decision now, when you are confused, upset, and cannot think it out clearly. You will regret it.
Today is a holiday for being thankful for what we DO have. Try to spend some time doing that. It is calming and positive.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Ignore his threats , stick to your decission functioning or not he is an alcoholic and a two yr old is way too young to be left alone with a drunk . Your child needs to be kept safe . You can ask the court for supervised visitation and you won't have to be the one doin the supervising , if he shows up drunk once it will be canceled . the courts dont care what u did for a living , he is just trying to control you by making idle threats . Louise
Please keep coming to Alanon, read any of the CAL (Conference Approved Literature), the message board, etc., get to any face to face meetings. Alanon is a gentle program.
In recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Well, mediation went ok, but I'm still unsure and confused.
We didn't get to mediate in separate rooms as per my request. The mediator didn't want to do it that way. He did institute a "no interruption" rule, so that I was able to talk unhindered. It was hard even that way. I could feel my XH staring at me and I shook a good part of the time. I was able to bring up drinking, anger problems, lack of interest/care in DD, mental instability. Then he brought up my supposed multiple suicide attempts, my dancing, and the fact that he's no longer struggling with anger because I'm not there anymore; he claims that it was because *I* was constantly ignoring him and disrespecting him that he was angry. Blame me for everything why don't you? In any case, this issue wasn't resolve this time around, and I still don't know what to do about it...
The mediator did his best to keep XH on track and I forced myself to focus on DD and her needs.
The only "progress" we made was that XH agreed not to drink alcohol in the 12 hours preceeding the visit, and not to have any in his apartment. He agreed that I could search his place top to bottom, but frankly, I don't want that responsibility. It reminds me too much of being with him, sneaking around, looking for clues of his dishonesty. I brought up this fact with the mediator and he responded that even if we were to go to court, the judge could only order the same sort of thing and that it couldn't be verified whether or not XH complied, unless I had amassed evidence to the contrary. Since XH is a functional alcoholic, or maybe just a heavy drinker, there is no papertrail or legal evidence of his alcohol abuse, so I'm stuck dancing around the law, with my child as an innocent pawn.
So, it feels like there's some progress and yet I'm still feeling leary of XH. I want him to see DD, but I'm having trouble believing anything he says or does.
We've been able to agree to a trial visit this Sunday, where I'll inspect the apartment and then leave XH alone with DD for 60 minutes and then return to supervise the rest of the time. Again, I brought up my unease about this with the mediator and his response was that since I'd already left DD with XH in the past for this same amount of time, there's a precedent and that I need to make a compromise or at least try things out before refusing. I think I'll actually be sitting at the coffee shop a block away the entire time...
I'm less than happy with this, but I know that going to court will involve a lot of character assassination on both sides, and we may very well end up with the same sort of arrangement that we have right now (so believes our lawyer mediator).
The only thing that occurs to me is that if I do not serve him with custody papers, I won't have any more legal rights to DD than XH, and should he behave erratically and take her somewhere without my consent, I won't have any legal recourse unless I have him served with an emergency order of protection, but then again, I have no guarantee that it'll be given, since XH has begun behaving like Super Dad in preparation for anything of the sort.
Why are you trying to "mediate" with your ex? Is it a state law that you try it and then if it doesn't work you can go the divorce/custody route? In my experience and the experience of thousands of others, mediation with an A (active or not) and an abuser never, ever, ever works. I am sure there are exceptions to that rule, but I have never heard them. Ofcourse, that's my experience.
YOU are the sane, sober mother. It is up to you to take care of your child. It is a shame that your ex can't help in that department, I know I signed up for a marriage and family that had two parents and when we divorced, I tried very hard to make it a working divorced family. But again, that was impossible. The saftey (physically AND mentally) of my kids was most important.
In my case, my ex was sober-ish, but still mentally ill and unmedicated. I insisted on third party supervised visits and my ex got bored with that in 2 visits as he was unable to do/say what he felt like to the kids and he just stopped showing up.
Now, I was all about wanting him to stay a part of the kid's lives. But in actuallity, his instability, his inability to be consistent and his rages (sober or using) were far worse for my kids than his just not being there. I could not control how he was going to parent the kids. So, I took every precaution to keep my kids safe from him and left the rest up to him. His decision was to not be a dad. And that hurt me and the kids. But, today, I see that it worked out exactly the way it was supposed to.
No one, including the courts, seems to understand the damage that is done to kid's emotional health by being subjected to a dysfuntional, sick parent. If there are no physical bruises then the legal system seems to disregard abuse. And that is a shame because I know of an entire program (alanon) that hundreds of thousands of people use every single day trying to deal with the effects of Aism and abuse that they suffered in their childhood. And the patterns that are established in childhood that lead to the perpetuation of the family disese of Aism and abuse.
Children and the legal system are obviously a very sensitive issue for me.
Good luck, and if you don't like it, change it. You have the power and the right to keep your baby safe. Use every resource you have, keep coming back and lean on your HP.
Serendipity, In Canada, it is mandatory for couples who have a child to attend mediation before they go to court. The first sessions are mandatory and the following ones are not. In total, the couple has access to 6 free sessions; afterwards, if they wish to continue, they pay the mediator's fees.
I have a lawyer who has drafted up all my legal proceedings: divorce decree, sworn affidavit explaining my situation, and order or protection asking that I be granted custody. There's no guarantee that this order will be granted, but seeing as my child is 1, and still breastfed, I believe I'd at least get physical custody and my X would get access rights. How much access rights...I don't know. Perhaps more than I think is good for my child, but then it would be out of my hands.
I spoke recently to a family friend who is a judge in family law court, and he also suggested I give mediation a 2nd go (we'd done 1 session but it had been short due to needing to do the introduction and gather pertinent info).
Right now, I feel a bit "trapped" by XH, and his "reasonable" offer. I accepted, grudgingly, but now I wish I hadn't.
Being Bloody confused is normal for the course...Things are not easy and not going your way...ends up being bloody confused. I believe we are built for love and that not being loving or loved is bloody confusing. Getting into the program helps tons toward saving and restoring your spirit. I pray you get there fast and often.
Fighting custody is a tremendous issues. I don't know what your funds are but the process is generally tiresome. I don't know many courts that award custody in advance. They award it at the current time and revisit it later. So I would take your husbands threats at that empty.
Nevertheless there are many many groups on line who deal with the custody issue. I will look up the link and send it to you privately.
YOu do not need to fear at this time as you are her primary caretaker. I also don't doubt since your stbx didn't bother to get shared custody of his other child that he will tire of it soon and go act out on something else.
I really do hope that he shapes up as a father, and if our week-end visit was any indication, it may happen. He did clean up his place spotless and he didn't have anything to drink that I could discern. BUT, he had promised that there would be no alcohol in his apartment and there were 2 bottles of white wine there. I never asked for that stipulation; he offered it, but then apparently didn't think it was important enough to stick to.
Is it wrong to have doubts about his capacity to not drink in his daughter's presence? Honestly, he never quit drinking for me, or for his son, or for the other women in his life...why would he restrain from drinking for his daughter? He has two other children from two other women, and he never quit drinking for THEM...what's different now?
See, I want to trust him but I've been burned too often by the "I'll quit drinking/smoking/cocaine/sleeping pills for your honey"...
I think I'll actually be sitting at the coffee shop a block away the entire time...