What would you do? - Al-Anon Family Group

N8SMOM · Senior Member

What would you do?

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Honestly, what you and your friends think he should be doing is a moot point, because he's not doing it anyway.
You've all agreed not to drink in front of him, which would be commendable if he wasn't drinking, but he is. So, what will likely end up happening at the art festival is you 3 watching him drink. The bottom line is he is going to do what he's going to do...no matter what you do. You can't control it.
IMO, I'd do what "I" wanted to do.

Christy

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

N8SMOM wrote:

It would be one thing if my husband was really trying to work a program, but he's not. He flat out refuses to stop drinking at the moment. So why should we have to sacrifice something we've been looking forward to when he isn't even taking any of this seriously?

Opinions please?

Hi Nmom

I believe you answered your own question. We are truly powerless over this disease and If you have all been looking forward to this event for a long time then go and participate in the wine tasting.

If hubby is off and attends, it is his responsibility to wine taste or not. One of the alanon booklets talks about trying to manipualte situations so that the alcoholic will not drink It does not work.

I would suggest you enjoy your company and focus on yourself and what works for you
.
Have a Blessed Thanksgiving and a great visit with friends

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can see the problem, or I think I do -- even though you know you can't stop him drinking, to go to the wine tasting, all of you together, and all drink as if he weren't an alcoholic is kind of like ignoring the elephant in the room. Even though my A was going to keep on drinking, I didn't want to be around it: I didn't want to see it, didn't want to have to either pretend to ignore it or say anything about it -- both of them impossible situations. Also, it would certainly take all the fun out of a wine tasting for me to have my A along knocking back the wine and getting increasingly sloshed and out of control. It changes it from a light casual experience into an ordeal.

I don't know what the answer is for you. If it were me, I would tell my A that my friend and I were going to the festival just by ourselves. If that didn't work -- if he were going to show up and try to hang out with us there, or something awkward, I would just make other equally fun plans. One thing to consider is: if it would be really painful for you to miss the wine tasting, maybe your own relationship with wine could bear some looking at? Just another thing to think about.

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

He is going to do what he wants to do no matter what, sounds like the disease has full control right now.....he is still drinking even though he is court ordered not to...wow that tells the story....jail comes second to his addiction.

My thought about the wine tasting is this..I do not think you should let him control what you and your friends want to do however, what fun is it going to be watching him drink, you are going to be on edge and can you really enjoy yourself watching him get drunk yet again??? Just some food for thought.

Peace,
Andrea

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Saying and doing are two different things. I will say that you and J and K should go and enjoy the wine tasting. You three are not problem drinkers, so why should you change your plans to accommodate the A?

Now, the doing...Wussy me would probably skip the wine tasting in hopes of keeping hubby sober at the arts festival. Futile, I know................

Do what seems right for you, and you will not go wrong.

Best wishes,

Diva

MrsGratitude · Veteran Member

As we all know, it is impossible to control an alcoholic. No one else is responsible for your husband's drinking or not drinking.

My only suggestions would be to not allow yourself to be trapped in someone else's alcohol-fueled bad mood or to be trapped into driving with an angry alcoholic. Especially this weekend when there will surely be plenty of drunks on the road.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Diva, you are so honest, and you are NOT a wuss. LOL

N8SMOM,
You obviously have a good relationship with these people. That is great because often we tend to isolate ourselves out of guilt or embarrassment from our friends and family.

I think I would have a talk with them about how we are all going to feel with AH there and drinking. If we agree that we can ignore and detach and still have a good time, then we go and have a good time. If we agree that we would be too uncomfortable with whatever AH may do, then we stay away from the wine tasting or find something different to do altogether, rather than the art show.

I know that may seem like you are letting him dictate what you all do, but it is not because you have the choice and are making your own decision about how to handle a potentially uncomfortable situation that you have absolutely no control over. We make these kind of decisions all the time. We just have to learn to make them in relation to the A without a bunch of emotion and controling tendencies to cloud out judgement.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope you have a great time whatever you decide to do. Let us know how it came out.

In recovery,

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is my esh we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves. Unless you plan to bring a funnel, duct tape and rope to tie him down to make him drink, it is NEVER our problem if they use or not.

Have a good time. My A told me when he was in his recovery time that he did not want to be responsible for changing anyone elses choices like this. It was up to him to choose to stay in recovery.

For me I would detach from the disease and learn to see the man. Be appreciative he wants to go. He is responsible for his own behaviour if he uses and acts weird. It is no reflection on you.

I don't drink and wanted to be able to kiss him sooooo (o: love,debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Go and enjoy . even if hubby didnt go with you he would drink if he was in the mood . 3 of you cant keep him sober either . 3 just as powerless as one . have a nice visit with your friends . Louise

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally I would not go to the wine tasting. One thing I did with the ex A was not to drive with him when he was drinking. I absolutely refused to go anywhere where he might drink. Of course that cut back on my going out with him but I never had to wonder whether I was somehow responsible for his drinking.

I am sure there are other things to do with your friends.

Your husband needs to feel the effects of his dui. I know the ex A never felt the effects, he smoothed it over, denied it, denied it and denied it. I was not that good at reinforcing the effects. I was caught in the anger, deny, feel sorry for cycle.

Maresie.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Since my ex husband has been on the couch the last five weeks I have taken him to the bar with me twice to watch me sing karaoke. I drink while I'm there. He doesn't have any money at the moment so I guess that's a factor but I feel if he drinks he drinks if not then not but I'm going to do what I'm going to do. My days of putting myself out or making myself uncomfortable to make someone else happy are done. Sure there are responsibilities I have that I may not want and I have to do things I don't want to do on occasion but when your motivation is to make someone else do or feel something then you are coming at it from the wrong perspective. Life can change in an instant, enjoy it!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.