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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The "Legal" Consequences of Living w/AH
Post Info TOPIC: The "Legal" Consequences of Living w/AH
GailMichelle


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The "Legal" Consequences of Living w/AH
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This post is regarding the legal consequences of drinking and driving.

My AH got his first DUI in 2004.  He hired a skilled laywer and got off on a "wet reckless" because his BAC was .08.   So in essence, his charge was reduced.  But this reduced charge remains on his current record, despite his denial.  Other consequences were having his driver's license suspended for 30 days.  He was fortunate to take those days from work as vacation time, and his health insurance sent him to a 30-day rehab facility.  So no loss of salary, benefits, etc.  that time.  But we had sky high car insurance!

Fast forward to this month, he gets his second DUI.  This time he caused a collision (no injuries, thank goodness) and this time his BAC was double the legal limit.  Per my divorce lawyer, he will most likely get his driver's license suspended for a year, about 30 days in jail, and fined $2,000. 

Now, he needs his license in order to keep his job.  So if the lawyer is correct, he will lose his job (hopefully, he will begin the process of retiring NOW; but he is in denial; he thinks his record is clean and so all he will get is a fine from the judge).  If he is fired, he will not be eligible for his pension until 62.  So he will have 5 years with no salary and health insurance.

My lawyer advised to get my name off the title of his vehicle NOW.  ALso to get his name off my vehicle title so I can purchase my own insurance.  This is not so easy because my car is still financed.  I have to get permission from the lienholder to take his name off.  I am told that my request has to go to the review board before I can do anything.  So my insurance is going to go sky high soon if they won't grant my request. 

I was also told that if he does get fired from his job, I might be sued for spousal support if he pursued it.  I don't think he would; however, I can't assume he is going to be nice once he begins to experience the impact of his poor choices.

The lawyer said that he is presently representing a woman whose husband is sitting in prison because he drank and caused a fatal collision.  She is being sued for all that they had worked hard for and them some.

This post addresses another aspect of living with an alcoholic.  I lived with him for 36 years.  Hoping and praying that he wouldn't kill someone on the road.  Hoping and praying that he really changed like he said he did.  But it all caught up with us.  We are both dealing with the consequences - legal ones.

I'm doing my best to not give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity for either of us.  Somehow, I'll come out a better, stronger person.  I pray my AH will, too.  But that, I have finally admitted. is beyond my control.

GailMichelle



-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 25th of November 2009 05:00:31 PM

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Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
hotrod


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Thanks for this information  Gail

This is  a very important post for all of us whose fianaces are united with an "A". 

I know the impact of DUIs on insurance /fines and licenses.  I  was fortunate that no one was killed as the result of my "As" DUIs but  cars were totaled and insurance rates skyrocketed

Praying for your family and your continued peace.

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THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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maresie


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I can absolutely empathize.  I have been there and done that with the vehicle mess.  Indeed the ex A smashed up two cars.  At one point he fraudulently changed the title on the truck.  At that time I had a court order to return it to me.

The quagmire is enormous.  I do agree with your attorney (what a gem).  When I was in the middle of the quagmire I had no one to advise me.  Plenty of people told me to cut my losses.  I found that extremely hard to do.  The ex A set me up set me up and set me up.  I was the fall guy for his incredibly bad choices. 

I have had to look at my own choices.  He always had excuses, everyone but the postman was reponsible for his crashes, his tickets, his running away from collisions.  He crashed, drove like a maniac and more.  I felt absolutely totally paralyzed.  Eventually I did go and lost my truck.  I could have of course lost much more, my life for example.  The ex A drove like an absolute maniac I am not sure how he did not kill anyone.  I have no doubt he wanted to kill himself.  He crashed the truck numerous times with our pets in there.  He crashed, drove into people, got countless tickets.  I never saw him once say he had a problem. 

Once I became enmeshed with him and his tremendous problems it was hard to get out.  His projection was of course that it was all "me".  I was the one at fault. 

I have no doubt he still blames me, much as he did the girlfriend before me.

I am so sorry you are in this predicament.  Believe me you are not alone.

Maresie.

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Diva


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This, GailM, is exactly why I divorced my A, took my name off two of the cars, gifted them to him,  took his name off my car, and separated the finances.  We live together as partners, but we do not announce ourselves as husband and wife...ever!  I feel so relieved since I took this step.  Certainly it would be a tragedy if he did harm to someone while driving under the influence, but at least he wouldn't cause me to lose everything in the process.

You are very smart.

Diva


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Christy


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Hi Gail.

I was just thinking...I wonder if it would be easier to get a new loan with a different bank for your car (rather then wait on their decision).  You could pay off the old loan and put the new loan in your name only.  He will still have to sign off the title.

Christy

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GailMichelle


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Christy wrote:

Hi Gail.

I was just thinking...I wonder if it would be easier to get a new loan with a different bank for your car (rather then wait on their decision).  You could pay off the old loan and put the new loan in your name only.  He will still have to sign off the title.

Christy


I might have to get a new loan.  I would like to hang on to this loan because of the low interest.  It is one that I can easily afford.  I was sure hoping to pay it off early.  But with the divorce, they will not likely happen.

Fortunately, he is quite willing to sign off the title.  I signed of the title of his vehicle today.    This is all so painful.  I feel for him more than for myself.  He lacks so much undertanding.  But yet, I know he is the one that has to seek it and I can't make him do that.

Thanks Christy for the suggestion!  Happy Thanksgiving!

 



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
MrsGratitude


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Thank you for sharing this painful story Gail Michelle.

Are you able to get to any f2f meetings? Maybe a long, detailed talk with an experienced sponsor?

If your husband was in rehab 30 days he knows what he must to do to take care of himself. This would be a great time to expand your own spiritual recovery.

Sending you prayers and ((((hugs)))).

Mrs. G


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GailMichelle


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MrsGratitude wrote:

Thank you for sharing this painful story Gail Michelle.


Are you able to get to any f2f meetings? Maybe a long, detailed talk with an experienced sponsor?

If your husband was in rehab 30 days he knows what he must to do to take care of himself. This would be a great time to expand your own spiritual recovery.

Sending you prayers and ((((hugs)))).

Mrs. G

Hi Mrs. G.

Yes, I am able to get to f2f meetings.  I also have a sister who is a recovering A, going on over 30 years.  Both help.

My husband can surely take care of himself.  I will not stand in his way.  I do not know what it will take before he makes changes in his life.

I love him.  But I know realize I have to use discernment.  I have to make better choices for myself.  In the long run, we both will be better for it.

I have been on a spiritual quest for as long as I remember.

Thank you for your prayers. 

Take Care, Gail Michelle

 



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Debilyn


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Hugs Gail, In Oregon you can get a legal separation so you are not responsible for his actions.

I have always said this same ole thing. It is my esh BIG TIME to not have my name on anything with anyone. My home, vehicles, debit card everything is in my name. Thank goodness I did this before he went truly wet brain.

Life is not like it used to be when it was expected for us both to share everything. Not long ago we could not get a credit care in our name being a female!

There is so much more court stuff in our lives than ever before.

I hope you can get  your name off from his and on whatever you want to protect.

My LSep means we are only married, period. Not responsible for each others debts etc at all.

Also if you don't sign any of his loans or whatever for attorneys, I know in ORegon you are not responsible for any of his bills.

It is typical for A's to be like this hon. Remember they have not matured past when they started using. We forget we are dealing with teenagers and young adults! Most kids don't believe anything will happen to them until they reach that milestone in their lives. What do you think makes so many of our young just flock to be in the service? That is a BIG part of it. They are still innocent.

Anyway my heart goes out to you. I wish someone had suggested many things to me before. My A ruined my credit, stole my bank cards so I can never get a checking acct. or anything. I don't want one anyway but still! I had perfect credit new pickup and just bought my second home!

Here I am hanging my cloths to dry them in the house, using cold water to wash and using kerosene for heat. Got the power bill to $63 from around $200! But it is hard on me. sigh getting old, am old!

bunches of hugs, there is hope! You will be ok becuz you will take care of YOU! love,debilyn



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Jerry F


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Aloha Gail Michelle...Glad you are here so that you won't have to go thru what
you are going thru all alone.   There is much experience strength and hope here
and many of us have gone thru similar experiences to some degree or more.

Please follow up on the suggestions on open face to face Al-Anon Family Group
meetings, the literature, steps, slogans, traditions, sponsor and all of it because
it will save your sanity if not also your life...it saved mine.  The legal landscape
has changed since I came into Al-Anon.  The secret is out completely and everyone
now knows how cunning, powerful and baffling and destructive the disease of
alcoholism is.  There is more awareness about how the spouse and family suffer
including the community because of it.  The early membership had a more uphill
battle trying to keep their heads above the negative consequences water line
when I first got here but now there is more understanding even as the alcohol
industry and the disease start expanding their foundations. 

Get help from the program and from those outside who are experienced and you
will find help.    In support (((((hugs))))) smile

 



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sdisnie


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All the terrible things that happen as a result of an A...and how many are in jail from killing someone while drunk driving?
I live in Colorado and for whatever reason, all the craziness and history of my A has no impact on him at all with regards to my kids. It will take him to drive drunk with them or something major to happen while they are with him before they take notice. It's ridiculous. It also amazes how many people I hear that get off on small technicalities when they have driven drunk.
I hope that you can get through your painful situation in one piece and things go the way you need them to go.....
God Bless

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