The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AS hit rock bottom this time last year (of course we thought he hit rock bottom many times before). Oct, Nov, Dec of 2008 horrible awful for son and our family. Ashamed that I was wishing that he would die just so his terribile pain would end. He did embrace recovery in Feb and has been working at earnestly, working at earning forgiveness and healing the wounds. I have been eagerly working towards my recovery in Alanon. My recovery has brought peace and strength and stability to my life.
I am surprised that instead of feeling happy about my anniversary, I am overwhelmed by the memory of how horrible things were last year. While AS is still sober, it does pain my heart to see how hard he must work to overcome the consequences of his actions. My husband out of work, and has been for 6 months. I work and my workload has been insanely crazy busy. I'm exhausted all the time. Now comes the holidays with increased expectations by both work and family.
Working my program every day. I am setting boundaries, both for my time and finances. I turn to my HP everyday. I know that there must be a purpose, a lesson for me, and that my HP will bring me through but there are days I feel so overwhelmed I just want to curl up and cry. Maybe I'm just worried that my AS will start drinking over the holidays and add to that burden. I guess I just thought I would be happier. Don't get me worng, I'm grateful for recovery and probably wouldn't be able to handle my current burden at all if I had not joined Alanon. My F2F meetings are truly a lifesaver. Thanks for this forum, my safety net between meetings.
It sounds more like the stress of life is getting to you, overshadowing the joy of A's nondrinking. Being the single source of income has to be rough, especially through the Holidays. Imagine how much worse it would be though if you had to come home to an unemployed drunk guy after work.
Please try to find time for just you..or you and hubby if that is needed. It helps too to run a grateful list through your mind. You found Alanon, A is sober and working the process, you are employed. Deeeeeep breath.
It'll get better, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Ashamed that I was wishing that he would die just so his terribile pain would end.
I read that and thought I was reading my words. I wrote that exact thing down in my journal 4 years ago. My AH got so sick in another state and I prayed and wished he would just die so his pain would end (as well as mine) After he came home, he stayed sober for so long and then fell and again, and again, and again, and again and again.......
The holidays are a stressful time no matter what, but put the burden of this economy on top of it...working your butt off to try to make ends meet and have a little extra for Christmas, having an active A or a sober A on top of all that.....it's just never an easy situation no matter how you look at it.
I hope that you can stop, close your eyes, take a deep breath and just pray you will get through the remainder of this year in one piece and with some sanity remaining after its all said and done.
I know it's hard to let go and not think about the painful past, it's impacted in our minds, souls and bodies forever...we may past it, but it will always be there. Those incidences are what make us who we are today. Be thankful its behind you, and keep the faith that it won't happen again, and if it does, maybe you'll know how to better handle it.
Take care.... Shanda
-- Edited by sdisnie on Wednesday 25th of November 2009 03:01:11 AM
I can very much relate. I do know that grief hits me at different times. I am three years out of a relationship and there is still much much grief. Don't beat yourself up for feeling angry I believe there are waves of feelings that come up after dealing with an active alcoholic.
