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To cut a long story short, one of the A's that used to be in my life {ten years sober}, after no contact in the last eighteen months and the end of a relationship almost three years ago. Is confusing me {ok you are allowed to laugh at that comment lol}. I've been growing in many things in my life and one area i decided to forgive him as i was tired of hating people, i accepted we were probably both as mixed up as each other and caused one another pain and hurt. I sent him a birthday card as a way of making amends really. He contacted me by text to say thank you.
He saw me last night in the street and this morning he text me with a joke as an excuse for contact. The crazy thing is i was waiting on it, i knew he would. Now we haven't had any further contact in the last few weeks. We text a few messages today and it was like old times, fun and laugher, he wanted to see me in a physical capacity. I said i was going out, which i was and we could catch up soon. We have had a history as friends over the last twenty five years and at few times in my life he was my rock, as i was for him as he was withdrawing from the alcohol. He has relationship issues as i myself have fears in.
Basically what i'm asking is "what the hell do i do". Can we go there again, is it a mistake, has the past three years changed him or myself, i am stronger and won't allow him to hurt me again...
Help, as i don't want to undo all the good things i've changed about myself and as usual if he's not ready i don't want to screw him up either. I know it would be himself and not me. I forget what it's like to be involved with an A after three years of not being so {lol}
I guess my question would be: when you sent the card, what did you want to happen? How did you envision it?
I had a wonderful friend who was fifteen years sober, the rock of AA. And then he relapsed. He was the one person I thought would stay on the straight and narrow. To my knowledge, he has not recovered his sobriety. My A ex relapsed dozens of times (and still is not sober), but I thought this other friend had enough recovery under his belt. When he relapsed, I realized that the disease is more powerful than I can imagine. I personally would never endanger my sanity (such as it is, and it took a long time to get to this point) by not keeping a healthy amount of distance between me and an alcoholic. But there are people on these boards whose A's got sober and stayed that way. So who can predict? It sounds as if you're pretty conflicted and worried/excited. Is that that familiar chaos that alcoholism brings with it? Is it starting up in you again? That's what I'd want to figure out.
I guess I'm the optimist..and due to my A's recovery KNOW that they can change and live life to the fullest. He may be "one second from relapse" but it is the longest second he's ever known. For 4 yrs he has walked the straight and narrow and seen each day of his new life as a gift. Tomorrow we will have been married 22 yrs. I would do every bit of it over again to have what I have now.
To have an attitude of "because they are an A" (especially with 10 yrs sober) to never give them the time of day, IMO, is right next to being a racist or something. God forbid people think that of people that are recovering from codepenency and run from us like we have leprosy.
I have no idea what kind of person your friend is or why you quit seeing him. My experience would have to ask you 'what did you consider his faults?" Were they A associated faults or just people skill faults. There's a big difference. Some people are just jerks and if they happen to be an alcoholic it gets blamed on the alcoholism. When they quit drinking they are still jerks. Other people get the alcohol out of their lives and sprout wings.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Tuesday 24th of November 2009 10:31:14 PM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Look at it this way, your are not the same person you were when your first came here. Niether is he. People change over time. I'm with Christy on this. Only you know what you feel. I'd love to have a second chance with my beloved Tim if he was here. If it feels right then do what you want. You've got a strong program in place to keep you on track. Follow your gut. Remember this Ugandan Proverb: "No matter who short a man is, he will aways see the sky." Keep looking up my friend. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Yep, i am worried and why i posted on the board, unless you've lived with an alcoholic you can't place yourself in that position, my friends have never experienced it, and why i can't talk to them about this, they don't understand. They call him a waster, tell me to stay away from him. I don't agree with that he's a good guy, and over the years he has been there for me, also he has controlled me emotionally and left me in pieces simply as it was all i was used to as a child, being treated in that manner, i never knew any different. He has also admitted in the past all he had to do was snap his fingers and i would go running. He smiled when he said that. I know different today and that's what worries me. I'm thirty eight years old and only in the past two years have i found my independence and taken my life back from other people's control, cos they did control me. For most of my life i could do nothing as i was a child and never knew how to.
I made contact with him as my concience told me it wasn't all him to blame for it going wrong with us, i was sick at the time emotionally aswell and i did hurt him i took my anger out on him. So, in a round about way i was apologising for my behavior, that was for me what i felt was the right thing to do. Also our familys are very close and it was causing some awkwardness between our parents at times. I'm also one of the very few people i have met in real life who admire alcoholics. I watched a grown man cry at a meeting and admit he had wrecked his life and the lives of his family because alcohol was the most important thing in his life. I cried with him, all i had ever wanted was for my dad to say to my family that it wasn't our fault. For years i blamed myself for my dads drinking, it MUST have been something i had done. That night made me realised just how alcohol can and does control them. My dad is the greatest man in the whole world as far as i'm concerned, and i love him with all my heart, sober, drunk he was a monster. I'm blessed today he no longer drinks and we no longer suffer.
I admire my friend for going ten years without, he is also building a career in the field of recovering alcoholics and i'm proud of him for that. He believes he will never relapse and touch alcohol again and i pray it never happens. Who knows what is left between our friendship, will it ever return to what it was before, will it be even better. I just don't know. I am happy on my own at the moment, i'm building a new career, going into business on my own and i'm the happiest i've ever been in my whole life. Maybe deep down i still do have feelings for him, i certainly don't want to walk back into to what we had in the past.
As they say a day at a time, i've not been in contact with him the past few days and that alone today is a miracle, i'm familiar with being a cody, and i can honestly say the one thing i'm very proud of myself for today is that i broke that cycle in myself. I've been on my own for a year and i'm happy to be. Had i chosen i could have made the move to become involved with my ex anytime in the past year, because i do know the rules of manipulation, i never have gone there.
Karilynn, thank you, your one of the people who did know me when i first came here almost five years ago, you will see a massive change in myself and i do have a strong programme, i've also learned that no matter how independent or stubborn i am, when i feel afraid i no longer have to keep it inside, i am allowed to ask for help.
Incidently i worked for sixteen years in the community with Active alcoholics, i done that in fear for thirteen of those years. The last few years i had understanding and a great deal of patience for them, people told me they didn't deserve my time as they were assholes. We're all assholes in our own way right. A recovering Alcoholic once made a statement to me on this site, he said to me "oh Ally, your more of an alcoholic that i am girl" and i didn't ever drink the stuff {lol} Maybe that's why i don't judge them i only get scared from their behavior at times due to old fears and horrendous times in my life. Maybe my own behavior scares me too if i was to go back in the same situation.
Alcoholics get it rough, but never forget, the familie's get the roughest deal from all this, the alcoholic can blackout and forget, we might move on and forgive, but we are never allowed to forget.
No matter what you should decide to do, remember that we teach people how to treat us. You said he controlled you and left you in pieces... It's why boundaries are so important. Previously, you allowed that behavior. Alcoholics do have many similarities but I don't label them as "all this or that" because it's not so. Just as no one can label us and assume we are the same. We are from all corners of the universe and as diverse as any group I've ever known. My husband never once spent a night in jail or got arrested for DUI. I have no idea why not, but our family escaped having to deal with that aspect of his disease. Even when active, there was never any doubt that he loved us and in his mind, we came first. An A may always be an A, but they can also recover and change their thought process just as we had to. Prime examples are a couple men (A's) we have on the site, giving us their wisdom and guidance as double winners. Gotta love em!!
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I guess I would also ask whether you need to go all the way there. I mean what is the big hurry. Can't you just wait and continue on with the texting and see what develops. I know for me a huge sign of relapse for me is rushing into any kind of relationship be it friendship whatever.
My amends tend to be pretty subtle these days. I do forgive many many people in my life at the same time I do not open the door to them again to act out with me.
I have no doubt this ex A was both good and bad. Most of them are. I doubt any of us would engage with them if they did. At the same time I know magical thinking is huge for me. I am not one to wait and watch. I am one to run in as if the house was on fire. Do you need to worry about whether he can be "there". Do you need to rush in. Sounds as if he wants to rush. Anyone who rushes into a relationship has big issues. I know loneliness very very well. I also the hell it is to extricate myself from yet another mess. For me boundaries are the be all and end all. If someone is pushing on them, pushing me to engage in ways that make me nervous I need to take a step back. I do not need to make a future of it I need to mind my boundaries very very very carefully.
I don't want to screw him up ?? common ally u have to know that your not power full enough to do that to anyone , you have been there done this with same man twice are u really up for this ? Think about what this will do to you he's a big boy he can take care of himself . Louise
