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My fully story is on another post, but I wanted to seek targeted assistance with this question: What to do after confronting someone incorrectly?
I've been reading and starting to understand that I should not try to change my a-ex but rather set clear boundaries for myself.
However, a few days ago, I blew up at her minutes after she got a DUI about not only her drinking but how she's affecting my life. Needless to say, it wasn't done in a calm and loving manner on my end and it wasn't said while she was sober and calm.
So what do I do now? I've apologized for my behavior. I've expressed that I would like to speak with her under better conditions. I've indicated that I would like to be available to support her as she faces her new challenges.
She has responded that she hopes we'll be ok in about a month (as I'm going away on a road trip).
I'm guessing that I should just drop it now and focus on reading books, learn about myself and focus on myself.
Thanks Tlcate. I have a hard time letting go of things and tend to over apologize. I'm not sure if it's b/c most people never apologize and I feel that I have to really try to convince people b/c they aren't used to it or if I just don't like people being mad at me.
I loved this point: "it seems human nature is that if one apologizes too much it is easier for the other person to gain power and place more blame than necessary on the person apologizing"
This is so totally true. And when dealing with someone who has not yet accepted her drinking problems, I don't need to be giving her anymore cause to shift the blame from herself nor do I want to wear blame that isn't mine.
I'm going to really internalize this moving forward. Not just in this particular situation, but in any others. I'm aware of what a good apology actually is : Stating the apology, acknowledging what I did wrong, acknowledging how I hurt the other person, asking forgiveness. it's the letting the other person think about it and make the choice to forgive me or not that I tend to struggle with the most.
In this situation, I've said and done everything but the letting it go part so that's what I'm going to focus on at this point. And I know that includes not getting upset or angry if she doesn't choose to accept.
I really recommend reading Getting them Sober. That book will give you an eyeball on how to confront. I actually don't think there is any bad confrontation although some people get violent (the ex A I was with did and confronting him was antagonistic and he never admitted to anything!). Detaching is one of the tools we have here in al anon. I don't think personally a dui goes away in one month, the consequences financially and otherwise are enormous.
I hope you will choose to come here often and delve into al anon a great deal. I would also recommend the book "Lit" by Mary Karr to get an idea what the A is thinking and doing.
Thanks for the book suggestion maresie and your comments. I picked up "Get Your Loved One Sober" and "Games Alcoholics Play" today to get me started (as I couldn't find "Getting them Sober" at the store.) But I'll definitely check those out as well.
I hear you on the dui repercussions. That's part of what made me so angry when I picked her up. The fact that she was so dismissive about it AND that her girlfriend and friend were so dismissive about it. I guess I had a bit of that ego in responding with an attitude that stated, "If you want to align yourself with those kinds of people than who needs you."
I think the month of no communication will be good for both of us. It will really help me detach and learn new skills and perhaps the time will help her shift her focus on back herself and her actions rather than on mine. Her court date comes up mid-way through my trip and if her eyes haven't been opened by this point, I'm sure that will do the trick. The laws regarding dui are very strict in my state and many of the consequences don't really kick in until a person have been convicted.
One of the centerpieces of addiction is that no matter what the consequences they keep on using. I am no sure if you are referring to that your girlfriend might read this board. I would suggest changing your name if she does. Privacy is very very important when in recovery.
Boundaries are absolutely everything in recovery. Every day, day in day out I have to patrol my boundaries and re examine them. They often go awol but I get them back.
My experience of alcoholism was that I kept thinking, every time something worse happened, "This will finally make him see that his drinking is harmful!" But it never did. The disease makes them lose all perspective. You can see the denial functioning already. And what the disease does to us is to keep us hanging on thinking, "They're bound to understand soon! I just have to hang on a little longer!"
The "secret" is that most alcoholics never understand. Most of them never recover. Statistically that's the truth. The denial we face is that our loved ones are in the grip of something that most never recover from. And we're powerless to help them. In fact, sometimes our insistence just makes them defensive and gives them something to fight with, and slows down any impulse toward recovery they have.
Giving up all expectations is so hard, but makes life less tumultuous.
We can't help them, but we can help ourselves. That's the good news.
Mattie, you are spot on. Compounding this issue is that the dynamics of my relationship are not only feelings about the drinking but the relationship itself. Essentially, I have been kept at arms length from my ex for almost a year with so many back-and-forths regarding how she feels for me (friend, lover, acquaintance, nothing in a recurring cycle) that this recent argument has left me feeling that I don't even know what value I have in her life anymore.
In a nutshell, she's expressed that she loves me and has never felt this type of love for anyone but she has never been able to give me what she thinks I want or need. And yet, she will continue to flirt and offer scrapes of hope while alternating with declarative and contradictory actions/statements ("A romantic future is not an option." "Why can't I let myself be with you?" "One day I may be ready for you.") As I have strong feelings for her (ie I would marry her) I have been trying all year to create the right combinations of words and deeds to make her less fearful of her feelings for me. Over time, I've gotten better at distancing myself and trying to respect the constraints of a friendship relationship, but she will then start back with the flirty and optimistic statements (most notably when she's been drinking.)
So when you mix up the two : "This will finally make her see that her drinking is harmful" and "This will finally make her see how much I love her and she loves me" - well, it just creates an impossible situation. As she has no sense of perspective (regarding her drinking, how her drinking affects her, how her drinking affects me, how her actions/words towards me alternate between passion/ambivalence/nothing) it just creates a situation in which I'm unable to truly left with no options BUT looking after myself.
In a nutshell, I know that I need to pull back out of the situation for ME. It's fairly obvious that my attempts to "convince her" to stop drinking and to be open to love are just not working.
-- Edited by LearningTheRopes on Wednesday 25th of November 2009 08:01:51 AM
Good morning Learning. You apologized, and now it is time to move on. None of us, even the most AlAnon learned, always handle a situation exactly "by the book". Your anger and frustration at her DUI are normal feelings. You expressed the feelings. That's ok.
Sounds to me like you are understanding things well. Focusing on yourself is what will carry you through to serenity.
Welcome to MIP. And Happy holidays to you.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I always find that when I am in contact I am obsessed with fixing the situation, so my dreams of a loving, supportive relatioship will happen. When I get away I get a clearer perspective. Reading is good the road trip sounds great. I have put many things on hold due to worry, trying to fix and guilt. Today i do what I was going to do wether he is sober or drunk. We are responsible for our choices, for creating the life we desire. I hope you do what is right for you keep coming back they say attend six meetings if its not for you we will give you your misery back
hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest. hugs
Were human we slip , u made an amends now let it go and don't do it again thats the hard part . Sorry means nothing if the behavior continues. Reading is great but if not attending f2f meetings u are missing so much of the program please consider finding meetings on your trip Al-Anon is everywhere . good luck Louise international number is 1--888-4alanon its toll free they will give u a contact number for anywhere in the US and Canada . Lines are open from 8am to pm mon thru friday. ( eastern time)
thats the hard part . Sorry means nothing if the behavior continues.