The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm posting to possibly help others or at least perhaps one person. I'm not seeking anything else at this point.
I began coming to this board in the summer of 2007, under the name "Stormie." At the time, I had filed a dissolution of marriage and moved out of our home. 8 months later, I returned. My AH had gone to a 30-rehab program and appeared to be on the road to recovery. Since then, I have watched him relapse numerous times. I eventually got to the point where I didn't plead, lecture or make threats. I would once in a while tell him the day after he had drunk that "I need a sober husband." He would respond "I'm sorry" with a head bowed down in shame.
First of this month, he received his second DUI. This time it involved a collision and his mother in the car. No injuries were reported. However, who knows what the other party might do eventually. What this is doing to his mother is undescribable.
Actually, I'm going off on a tangent. My purpose in writing this post is to hopefully shed some light so that someone out there might be helped.
I have come to a diffcult decision to move forward with the divorce. I'm not unique in any way - in that, I entertain self-doubts. However, I know in my heart that divorce is what is best for me.
Today, I was going through a file that I made two years ago when I initiated the petition for the divorce and found a note to myself. It read:
How did/do I feel . . . .
about living with the insecurity?
about his choice to drink and drive?
about living with the worry that he might injury or kill someone while drinking/driving?
about avoiding entertaining friends at home due to his tendency to drink?
about avoiding going out with friends with him?
about the lack of companionship on a day to day basis?
about having to make important decisions that affect us both by myself?
about coming home not knowing what state of mind he will be in?
about being lied to a lot?
about going to the mailbox when I know none of our neighbors are out? I go about 10 PM
about avoiding our neighbors for the past several years because I know that they know he is an alcoholic? I used to be quite social in the neighborhood
about the possiblity that one day he will sink our financial ship?
Well, I answered the questions once again. I came to the conclusion that it was time that I respected my feelings. I need to be self-reliant. I do not want our grown children to feel as though they have to take care of me in my old age because I allowed the ship to totally sink.
My husband will always be my husband in my heart. I will always be there for him when I can actually help. But right now, he has to walk the path alone. He has to really feel what he has done. He says that he is filled with so much shame that he can't face his AA buddies. I suggested to him that he could benefit others by sharing his mistakes and perhaps give food for thought to someone that is close to making the same mistakes. He could help himself by reaching out to help others. I can't imagine what he must feel like. He is a good person who makes horrible choices.
I'm ready to give up all the amenties that have surrounded me over our 36 year marriage. I'm ready to let go of the illusions. I never had a relationship with him that I wanted. In part, I stayed because I was scared of the unknown. I stayed because I wanted to be a in-tack family. I stayed because I like the idea of marriage. However, I take a step back and see how living with an alcoholic as adversely affected my life. I'm through. I have to take responsibility for my past choices.
For what it's worth, I hope this gives at least one of you some food for thought. May you be guided to make the right choice for you.
GailMichelle
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
thankyou so much for helping me to get back into reality. My ABF has been missing on an off for two weeks after 6 months sober. Just like your husband he is a nice man who suffers from this terrible disease I too have stayed because of fear, because i could see his pain. But I am so uhappy, I drift into some kind of fantasy world hoping his love for me and his kids family will win. But in reality I just keep getting hurt. My kids dont have a happy mum, his kids are hurting, his mum and so on. I too just want a peacful life. I get so angrey with myself for not loving myself enough to leave for good. I am financually independent I just go back because I fear being alone. Doing it all alone when in reality have been on my own the whole time. I know what I have to do getting the courage and strenght is another thing. I hope I can do it because I know if I dont I will suffer until I can thanks again
I certainly understand the part of I never had the relationship I wanted. I kept trying for that but with drugs there was no possibility of it. I now go out of my way to avoid anyone I even suspect of doing drugs. I do not even engage in polite pleasantries if I can get away with it. I steer a wide wide berth.
I've been there done that with the car crashing stuff. I know absolutely how tremendously painful that route is.
I can totally relate, I stayed for the same reasons wanted the family to stay intact wanted kids to have a father and I wanted my husband that I fell in Love with.
After 20 yrs I threw him out we had enough, a year later he came home...he was very sick...he is no longer with us....the disease took his very life.
Live while you can....do what you need to do for you to get your life back.
When I was "ready" to go I had a plan be in place. I hope you do. The better the plan be the safer the landing.
Maresie.
Hi Maresie:
Yes, I have a well-thought out plan, and backup plans, too. I get the ball rolling on the divorce that I started two years ago tomorrow morning.
My husband is going through hell right now. I realize that he caused it. But I still feel for him. I will tell him that I'm proceeding with the divorce when he isn't as vulnerable. Right now, he is having to deal with other things. (He is not living in our home at my request.)
Again, he is a very good person, who has been in deep denial about his addiction. He has always been a great provider, very dependable at work, and a good friend to friends, neightbors, and often would help strangers in need. He has allowed his addition to drive him right into the trenches. I'm not going with him. I have to let him go. I don't have it in me to go another round of hope and worry.
I feel as though I"m in moarning of the relationship that we "could" have had once he stopped drinking. But he never ceased drinking long enough in our 36-year marriage for our relationship to evolve into a healthy one. I have finally accepted that, and I'm ready to move on. He will always be very special to me, despite going through hell with him because of his drinking.
Take care, GailMichelle
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I'm impressed by your clear sightedness. When I left the ex A I had no idea how I was going to manage. There have been tremendous hardships for me but none of them match what it was like to live with him using and drinking.
Thank you GailMichelle, for this well-thought-out post. This post is one that should be read and reread by everyone here. There is a wealth of wisdom contained in it.
Again, thank you.....
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
