The material presented
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One of my neighbors is reaching a bottom of sorts. She is behaving much like the ex A did when he reached a sort of bottom, I thnk there were many more after that. She blames everyone else in the world for her issues, projects all her issues over others and feels like a victim. When the ex A was doing that and I was in the process of leaving, my detachment meant I shut much of this out. In some ways I am reliving how far the ex A went down, stealing everything in sight, blaming everyone in the world, feeling like a victim and taking absolutely no reponsibility. I know why I could not feel it at the time the pain is tremendous to see someone destroy themselves in this way. Like the ex A this woman has absolutely no boundaries and feels the whole world should revolve aroound hers, the rules are all hers and she has no respect for anyone, anything or anyone else. Some of my denial at the time (almost 3 years ago) was that the ex A was not doing more drugs. He never "did them" in front of me. Every single one of his friends was an addict/thief/wreck. I really really went out of my way not to see it like I had blinders I was so hell bent on "saving him". After he bottomed out I eventually helped him out for a few months, paid all his bills, set up a safety net, he blew that over and over and over again until I had to walk away (with my pets this time). . Even then I went out of my way not to see the drug paraphenalia and the signs that he was "using". He had some great "spins" how awful it was that no one was on his side, around the next corner was his big break, how everything and everyone was against him and all his "promises". Like this woman (the neighbor) he always claimed he wanted help, how desperate he was but he was never desperate enough to stop. Neither is this neighbor who is in the process of moving (needless to say her behavior has caused that issue). Every day I have to watch her actions reminds me of what I had to witness with the ex A and how much I was in denial too. I lived, slept, ate denial and some kind of a fantasy that he could miraculously come around to normality. He fed me that. I ate it and now i am regurgitating the whole mess while the watching the demise of another addict. The pain is tremendous, the loss of my denial is like losing part of myself.
Delayed pain still hurts and I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope your HP guides you through. One thing about denial is that it happens for a reason. Our brains have a way of knowing when we can deal with something in all the horrible truthful detail. Maybe your denial protected you at a time when you needed protecting most, and now you are strong enough to handle the awareness of the truth?
Please be good to yourself during this phase of awareness and remember that we are here for you. I can highly recommend the CAL "Transforming Our Losses" as a support as well.
I agree the loss of denial is extremely painful!!! .
I realized that I used the tools of "Denial" and "Pretend(that everything was fine) because I did not have any other healthy tools to use. The unhealthy tools stopped working and I am so glad I found alanon.!!!
Without the tools of alanon -meetings-sharing-steps, trust in hp, slogans I would never of had the courage to face life on life's terms . Acceptance as opposed to denial really opened the door to responding to life with the courage and sereinity and wisdom that I obtained from this program.
It is very painful to watch someone self destruct and to be powerless. Prayer worked for me
Needless to say my neighbors actions have affected me. While I cannot prove it I see her as the big suspect in the check going missing (which has not yet been replaced needless to say). I also am affected by her noise, traffic, lies and chaos. I work hard to accept this but constant resentment is a real issue for me. Chronic unremitting resentment was a huge issue in letting go of the ex A. I still have some towards him so maybe this is a reminder I need to let go.
I do pray for them but I pray for myself more because I need help!
Hi Maresie...... This time you are seeing someone self destruct through Alanon eyes. With a strong programme in place, this must give you a different perspective on the insanity & great awareness of how far you have come. For me denial was my security blanket from the horrendous pain I eventually had to let in and own before I could begin my recovery.....only when I started to see could I start to be....I held on to it all for too many years and its only now with people like yourself, sharing your ES&H that Im beginning to let go
I like what Rocky has said ..... Maybe your denial protected you at a time when you needed protecting most, and now you are strong enough to handle the awareness of the truth?
Thanks for sharing your ES&H....I follow your journey.....keep coming back.
They say that buried feelings never die. I'm living with the ex AH at the moment and I see little things every day that make me say... how did I live with this? I think what we will tolearat and accept changes on a day to day basis and that is why everyone has to work this program at their own pace. I know there was a long time I didn't see leaving someone as an option. I was in it forever, I wasn't allowed to change my mind, I was a person of my word and I said I loved you. People do what people do no matter what we expect of them. Just because you have been doing something for a long time doesn't mean you have to keep doing it.
I know denial was my way of life for most of my adult life. I do know that this neighbor sucked me into her orbit much as she did everyone else. Like the ex A she has no clue she has completely burned everyone into extinction. She feels like a victim. I certainly saw how capable the ex A was of manipulating and getting his needs met. I know now that he never had any intention ever of trying to meet my needs, he said what he felt I needed in order to manipulate me. I'm not sure I can ever really deal with someone again who lies, lies to make up the lies and then gets angry that people object.
I am to live around this woman for another week and a half and it is torture to say the least. I now have to work out ways to avoid her at all costs. I don't think I ever got to that with the ex A. I was always so incensed and trying to get him to behave. Now I know he never had any concept of a reciprocal relationship at all.
After months of acting out I'm no longer worried about what this neighbor will do. I'm worried about how it will affect me. Detachment is one thing and I do detach. I let go enormously. Having to compromise my life to avoid her is anotherand I do resent it. I know there is a time limit now and I appreciate that but I don't appreciate her behavior and her drug addiction one bit.
The issue that bohers me is like the ex A she is always the victiim, no matter what, no matter what happens she is the ultimate victim. Nothing else compares to her great great suffering.
