The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here. I came here because I need help. My heart is slowly breaking and I find myself putting up walls that I do not want erected. The more my ABF throws bricks at me the larger the wall becomes. This is not the life I want.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic. He created havoc in our lives as children and molested his own daughters. He has been sober for 10 years and after almost 18 years of no contact we are talking via phone and email. He was gone from my life for the most part by age 12 due to divorce.
I have never tolerated or been in a relationship with an addict until my BF. We have a 10 year off and on history and are now actually living together trying to make a life together. I knew coming into the relationship that he is an AA. What I did not understand is that it is worse then it ever was before. He is high functioning and makes comments like "I am a high functioning alcoholic and I use X method to function"
I hate watching someone I love slowly killing themselves. It rocks me to my core and leaves me confused. I cannot wrap my brain around why anyone would not want help. He knows I do not like the heavy drinking (30 pack every two days).
I have been tracking his outbursts on a calendar and EVERY two weeks he drinks heavier and attacks me verbally and we spend the majority of the weekend fighting. He says ugly horrible things that hurt me deeply and leave me angry for days.
We sat down and he agreed to the fair fighting rules. No name calling. No threats of leaving or kicking one another out. No bringing up the past mistakes. No avoiding or deflecting. This was after a massive weekend long tirade that had me ready to leave.
Last night I was again called a b*tch, and told that he made a mistake...ME! Once again he said stupid things like we are not worth it, I need to go, etc etc. I cried myself to sleep last night again and again I wake to him already drunk.
Does it ever get better? I feel so stupid and broken right now.
__________________
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"
HI FuzzyLogic I am so sorry that you are in such pain and would like to welsome you to MIP and AlAnon. Now that you have reached out you will find help and hope. Alcoholism is a disease over which you are powerless. You did not cause this , cannot control it and cannot cure it. You can find help and happiness for yourself even if the alcoholic is still drinking. Please try alanon and alanon meetings
Alanon basic tools are accepting that :Alcoholism is a disease over which you are powerless. We all needed to recover by being gentle with ourselves and taking good care of our lives.
Live One Day at A Time
Focus on Yourself
Attend Meetings You can find Meetings in your area by calling the main alanon number listed in the white pages of your telephone directory
Welcome to MIP, and we can certainly hear/feel your pain right now.... Unfortunately, making pacts with active A's about "fair fighting", or "not drinking", or anything else - are pretty frustrating and useless if there aren't consequences.... In effect, you guys tried to mutually set a boundary, which he broke, and then there are no repercussions (other than you being upset by it). The sad truth is this is what active A's do, over and over again....
The answer is choosing recovery for YOU.... Al-Anon, posting here, reading some great literature on the subject..... bit by bit, you'll get yourself healthier, and to a place where you won't accept "unacceptable behavior"....
Good for you in coming here... that is a great start.... hope you keep coming back, and growing in your recovery....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Yes, there is hope and things can get better for you. Please keep coming back here, find a meeting in your area, and you can find the help that you need. You are not alone in this. You need support.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks for the kind words. This site has been my life line today! I am normally such a happy person that spending the entire day in tears and feeling gut checked, sucks!
I attended the online al-anon meeting and although it made me cry more, I liked it. My desk sits in the living room and his in the kitchen. Today is football all day. He has no idea how much he hurts with words.
I woke this morning to find my Giant Labrador had ransacked the kitchen garbage. ABF was already awake, drinking heavily and told me it was my mess to clean up. He had stepped over it for 3 hours!!
I have been cordial but silent and withdrawn most of the day. Tonight the fool is talking to Giant Dog and says "mom is mad at me because I left your mess for her to clean up" I turned and looked at him like he had grown a second head.
"I am not mad because of that!" He laughs.
" I am mad because last night you told ME that I am a mistake! That you made a mistake and it was ME!"
His response? "well start being part of the team around here then." not said in anger or yelling...a statement.
The visual of heaving the plate I was washing, at his head made me just laugh. I shook my head and went back to NOT being a team player. Gee, you idiot! Did you just finish eating the dinner I made you? Am I cleaning up after wards? Do I not listen to your daily work rants that go on for hours on end? Do I clean your clothes? Iron them? (I hate ironing)
I am eating Tums by the fistful and hurt from head to toe. I have Fibromyalgia and stress and no sleep make me hurt all over.
Add a brick to that wall.
__________________
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"
Just keep coming back, Hon. It helps to know others are with you. We can't solve your trouble for you, but we can share our experience, strength, and hope, so that you can take what you need to help you through. Many have been where you are.
I hope you can find a face2face meeting near you as well. The love in those rooms is amazing and uplifting. You will find friends, literature, and a sponsor who will help you walk through the fire.
I wish for you the serenity that I have found in this program.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yesterday started with me still being butt hurt and pissy. I spent some time on this site, read, chatted on the chat, and looked up local meetings. I called the hotline and a very nice man told me where some meetings were and which ones he thought would be good for a newbie.
He suggested a 7:00pm meeting but I was not sure how ABF would handle things and if it would start more griping and self absorbed blatherings. We were also scheduled to meet our realtor and loan officer at a house we are trying to buy. I knew there was a meeting in the next hour and it was not too far away.
I dinked around the house and found excuses not to go to that one. Then at the last minute after getting mad at the cat or dog or nothing in particular, I dashed out the door. I cursed at every bad driver on the way there. I debated turning around since now I was going to be late. I understood I had procrastinated so that I would be late and use that as an excuse not to go. I do NOT need help! I am not the one killing myself! I am just an idiot that loves an even bigger idiot! If I get a decent job I can just move out and walk away!
Then it dawned on me just how freaking angry I am! I am not a road rage person. I NORMALLY assume the driver that just cut me off has bigger problems and send him love...I do not consider slamming into them and cursing them a mile a minute, but I am today. *sigh* I am a mess!
The walking away from this man? Been there and done that. Actually he cheated ...ok he did not even kiss the first woman..he just proposed to her and married her less than two weeks after letting me know we needed to stop seeing each other because he was getting married! That was the almost 5 year break between insanity. (the marriage did not last even 3 months)
Then I went back. Then he cheated again and I stayed around town for 3 months before high tailing it to another state. It is funny that the week I moved away is the same week they broke up.
In all the time we dated, we never lived together as a couple couple. We lived together last year out of my financial need. It was always with the understanding that once I landed a good job I would get my own place and I did. We kept seeing each other until the co-worker affair happened.
To his credit he has only had 3 jobs in over 20 years. He somehow manages to keep employed. He makes very good money and provides very well for me and my daughter. He is funny and smart and normally gives me lots of positive attention. He goes out of his way to find something to thank me for or compliment me on daily. He is very affectionate in a non sexual way. (hugs, cuddling, kisses on my forehead, hand holding, etc)
Wow I went way off target here on this post! LOL
Ok so as much as I tried to make excuses not to go I went anyways. I did walk in 10 minutes late but they had just started. They did not seem to mind. No one yelled at me for being late. I was in the middle of the circle of about 20 people. Everyone one of them spoke to me and welcomed me in their 'talk'. I was fine.
Then a guy sitting a few chairs away from me actually truly addressed me and my pain. Spoke of being married to an A and the pain, shame, anger and fear involved. He looked me in the eye the entire time he was speaking. Tears poured down my face. A lovely elderly man sitting next to me quickly grabbed tissues for me. I could not stop crying.
Instead of my friends or family who keep asking me why I stay and what is wrong with me and tearing down everything about my choice and the A that I love, these people understood me! They did not tell me to leave, they did not tell me to stay. They understood me and my pain and my insanity.
I still have no clue what the 12 steps are or how I am supposed to walk them. Right now that does not matter to me as much as feeling truly HEARD and understood.
__________________
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"
Then a guy sitting a few chairs away from me actually truly addressed me and my pain. Spoke of being married to an A and the pain, shame, anger and fear involved. He looked me in the eye the entire time he was speaking. Tears poured down my face. A lovely elderly man sitting next to me quickly grabbed tissues for me. I could not stop crying.
I still have no clue what the 12 steps are or how I am supposed to walk them. Right now that does not matter to me as much as feeling truly HEARD and understood.
Hi Fuzzy
I am so glad you were able to attend that meeting and feel the wonderful experience of" BEING HEARD" . That is the greatest gift that alanon has given me. Your logic sounds pretty on target to me so please keep coming back you are worth it!!!.
