"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

N8SMOM · Senior Member

Is it Our Responsibility?

Tattyhead · Senior Member

I don't know exact legal answer but surely it is not your duty to monitor your husband's drinking. That is too much responsibility to heap on you.

I love the fact that an A can be ordered by a court not to drink! Does this court understand the power of addiction?

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I think al anon says we should not cover up for them but we should not cause a crisis either. If HP wants this to be known it will. Today I am trying with all my might to keep the focus on myself and the things I need to change if his behavior comes into my thinking I sy lord I pass this over to you to do with it what you will

take what you like and leave the rest

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with the others that you are not his keeper. HP will do what needs done. We are not to create a crisis. The responsibility is his to do what the courts demand or deal with the consequences. Ity is not our job to make those consequences happen. Believe me, HP will make them happen when the time is right.

Take care of you, and if the counselor insists that you keep focusing on AH, maybe a new counselor or at least a straight talk with the current one is in order. You need to keep the focus on you, not the A.

In recovery,

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

Court ordered not to drink.... I find that interesting - makes me curious as to the WHY that order is in place... DUI? or some such? Which then leads my mind down the path of ... if this were not a spouse, but just anybody that you have observed breaking a legal order or a law (for example, seeing an obviously drunk person getting into a car), what would you do? Ignore the fact that they might cause an accident, might kill someone? Call the police and notify them? We have people who drive way too fast down our mountain around these curves cutting people off... we call the police who are all too happy to be waiting down the hill to pull these "speed racers" over. We've notified the police when we've seen small children left in a vehicle alone. The police thanked us for being concerned citizens and made the comment they wish more people were. On one hand we use the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child", and then on the other hand we say don't get involved/don't create a crisis/it's not my responsibility. Where do you draw the line? Husband and I were discussing the biblical "bloodguilt" issue a few weeks ago and how we could translate that to modern times. Back then they had to have a parapet wall around their rooftop, the purpose of which was to keep guests from falling off the roof accidently and the host then being bloodguilty because he could have prevented that fall with a parapet. Nowadays we could ask ourselves, do we keep our car in good condition or do we knowingly drive others around with bald tires (an accident just waiting to happen). Things like that. If you live in an area where it snows, do you clear and salt your sidewalk so others don't slip and fall and break something? A lot of these are just good common sense, being thoughtful of/concerned about others, and so on. Unfortunately our society today is losing much of that. It's all about me, me, me with no thought of others anymore.
So, if this were just anyone.... what would you do? Are we responsible or not? Guess it all boils down to your own thinking and beliefs. What do you think is the right thing to do?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Where ever he is tested they know all the tricks. If they cared they would do it randomly where they would get caught.

It is all paper pushing. Breathalizers are moot, just get someone esle to blow into it or use a compressor.

All the courts, judges, rehabs, probation officers, parole officers, couselors, attorneys.... they all know the game.

If we police them, it is a waste of time.We are not telling them anything they don't already know.

They all figure well someday it will catch up to them, and it usually does. If an addict wants to mess with his/her recovery that is up to them.

Remember the serenity prayer.

Hugs,debilyn

I learned a long time ago it it none of my business.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with the others as well... I think my rationale would be that I would only inform the courts about his drinking, if, say, he was putting your children or you at risk, etc... I'd love to know what your psychiatrist believes "telling on him" would accomplish - sounds like your Psychiatrist could use a free copy of GTS, to brush up on their addiction skills/awareness, lol

Tom

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

I called the police. They didn't really care. I called the probation officer who probably had 100 other calls from insane wives that day trying to get their husbands the help they needed in the only way they knew how. What was my motive for the calls? to get him in trouble, to make him PAY for what he was doing to me and the kids. I was sick of his getting away with it. I wanted the world to know that he was a horrible drug addict and I wanted him to get caught so all the insanity would stop.

That was honestly my motive. Not very loving, eh? or selfless.

Today, I am no longer with my A. I couldn't stand the insanity. If other people's lives are being endangered (including yours or your family) then I would say I would call. I may even call proactively to chat with the PO and see what he has to say about A's and what the system's take on A's are. I mean, in theory, the system is there to protect and serve US, law abiding citizens and we have every right to research what the protection involves.

Good luck, check your motives and then do what you feel is right regardless of what others say.

lmw · Senior Member

Been there, done that so many times! My ex-AH could call after 8:00 PM the night before to find out what the next day's color was and if he was "safe" to drink or not. Even if his color came up, he knew just how long he could wait to fool the system. What a waste of time and resources!

We're no longer together; I decided three years ago the day-to-day insanity was more than I could live with. If I saw him get in the car drunk, yeah, I'd call the police. The thing is he came HOME that way, and didn't often leave that way. His psychologist at the time had no idea how much he was drinking, how often - ex-AH told him a six pack or two on the weekend. Right. By the time the kids and I left, that was breakfast.

Keep taking care of you....

Linda

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think one days the system is going to catch him. One way to review the issue of what to do is to read Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew has some very innovative ways to look at when to intervene and when not to. I would really suggest that.

I do know from my own experience that I go nowhere trying to make the system force the ex A to be sober. Nothing but nothing did that, no court issues, no health issues, no financial issues, nothing I suggested forced him to stop drinking and using. I have had to look long and hard at how I tried to control that and how it only hurt me rather than did anything at all to affect his all consuming addiction.

Maresie.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

N8MOM, this is a time when you must use your own judgment. Search your conscience and do what YOU think is right. Do not be dictated to by any outside opinions. AlAnon may have its "opinions," but situations sometimes dictate that we draw upon our own.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself.

Diva

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"