Welcome LTR!

Whatever your story, you are in the right place because you are affected by a loved one's drinking. You've already shown a strong ability to detach with love. Good for you. Your loved one has a tough road ahead, the best you can do is step out of the way and work on being the best "you" that you can be.

This disease affects all who come into contact with it. Even though we are not alcoholic, we are affected because we do crazy things ourselves. Like trying to save the alcoholic, like doubting our own self worth because someone we love won't change for us, like doubting our logic, like isolating ourselves etc.

Please keep coming back here and consider a face to face meeting. Alanon is a great support, full of sane people, while you sort yourself out.

Hugs, Rocky.

Welcome!  I am pretty new to Al Anon as well.  I just wanted to say welcome and you can find a lot of support here!

Hi,
I have tried for a number of years to help my ABF and have learnt through al anon I was doing all the wrong things for the right reasons.  I loved him so dearly and wanted to support him.  When I stepped back and let him face the consequences in the end he did go to AA, because he wanted to not fo me.  He is drinking again today and has gone right back to where he was after 6 months sober.  This is a horrific disease but I can not fight it obnly he can.  Today I am living my life and ptaying he will hit a rock bottom again without me there to cushion his fall he may turn back to AA

take what you like and leave the rest

Thank you guys for your stories. I know that's it is a risky business getting and staying involved with an A. I've learned that I have to be "near perfect" while still accepting her blunders. Part of this is her natural personality, but this is always greatly exaggerated by her drinking.

In this particular case, I do feel badly for how I handled the situation. Instead of just hugging her, asking if she was alright and then letting it be until a more appropriate time, I blew up and grew angry over not just the fact that she got a DUI but over a score of other personal slights.

I've tried contacting her with apologies, but so far I haven't heard anything. We also have a history of defriending each other on FaceBook and this time was no exception. I sent a request today and she elected to turn me down with no further word.

I find myself getting into the habit of letting myself focus on the particular behavior of mine that I know rubbed her the wrong way and then apologizing to be able to stay connected to her. In this case, I can totally see her point that I abandoned her in her hour of need and that I was focusing on myself more than her at the moment. Granted, historically, she has caused much more consistent pain in large and small ways, but it appears that when I blow up that I'm evil incarnate.

And yet while most people would have walked away time and time again, I just can't seem to do that. I know part of that is my codependency shining through, but also it is because I truly do love her and want to be in her life and want her in mine. And also, I hate bad endings. I would much rather have had a serious yet caring conversation and walked away with confidence in my decision than doing so in a fit of anger and pain. It just doesn't sit right and the effect only left pain and hurt in her as well.

Thanks again folks for your comments and book suggestions. I'm definitely going to check them out as apparently I need to figure out why the heck I keep doing some things that I keep doing. I'm going on a month long road trip (a sort of spiritual journey) due to rather major life events over the past two years pretty soon. I would really like to think about my own behavior during this time and focus on my own wants and needs and motives.

An update on this particular situation: I had been trying to contact her all day yesterday to say how sorry I was for putting the focus on myself at the Station rather than be there to support her. When you boil it all down, yes she has a drinking problem but I kept trying to push the issue and perhaps used the threat of losing my friendship to push her into deciding to quit.

I sent her an email as a way to make amends over my behavior as well as to share my thoughts/feelings in light of her own actions. I wanted her to know that while reaction was ill timed and excessive and that it was also a reflection of how her constantly crossing the borders of our friendship (and my feelings for her as more than a friend) created the perfect storm in my getting upset at the time.

I'm not sure if she's even read the email but late last night I received a text message from her saying that she was ok but wasn't sure how she felt yet. She then said that things had been chaotic lately and so wanted to take things easy and one step at a time. She indicated that my time away on my trip should hopefully lend itself to perhaps us being ok again.

I responded that this was good as time heals all and reveals all and that I was glad she was ok and thanked her for responding.

I had actually put in an order for 2 dozen red roses to be delivered to her today. But after thinking about it, I didn't want to get her or her girlfriend angry so while I couldn't cancel the order I was at least able to switch them to white (or yellow as a backup.) I'm hoping that she takes them as not too grand of a gesture nor that she thinks that I'm rewarding her behavior from this weekend. Simply as someone who cares, is owning up to their own mistakes and who truly values wanting to have her in my life in a "no expectations" and "unconditional love" kinda way.

I fully realize that with my trying to contact her all day with my apologies that she might be viewing me as excusing her behavior or at least sending a desperate message that I will accept anything negative she throws my way or that somehow my actions were worse than hers. I know that none of these are true.

One of my friends always talks about "who has the power" "are you giving her power" etc. I just have a hard time thinking in those ways. Perhaps in dealing with someone with a drinking problem you have to think in those ways, I'm not sure.

Here is the email that I sent her. I would appreciate any feedback:

________

I am quickly realizing that I just can't be "done with it" when it comes to you.
Reasons?

- I love you too much.
- Friends don't do that to each other.
- The notion that my leaving would alter your drinking is ridiculous because a) that decision has nothing to do with me or anyone else and b) I'm not even sure I mean enough to you to where that would even influence you.
- My life and heart have this emptiness without you.

I'm also quickly realizing that my feelings at the station are more complex than I realized at the time.

- I was deeply hurt that you didn't even see me until you were on your way out.
- I was deeply angry at your friends for not taking your arrest more seriously. I felt very protective of your honor and your future.
- I was hurt that you would rather date and spend time with those cocky arrogant punks (an assessment I made before I knew who they were) who looked at me with derision and pity when they realized who I was.
- I'm actually kind of glad they showed up because I didn't even know that you needed bail and so you would have been stuck in holding longer than you already were.

Granted, you might be "done with it" as far as I know. I tend to mask my hurt as anger. I tend to run when I feel that I can't control a situation. I throw up walls to protect myself and yet I'm intolerant when others do it.

Perhaps the end of our time together has truly come, either for now or for good. But every cell in my body screams "NOOOO" and it leaves me confused. The reality is that we hurt each other as much as we seem to love each other. And by "love" I mean the kinda love that crosses family, friend and even lover. Then again, maybe I'm the only who feels this. And if that's the case than I can understand if you've finally reached the end.

In truth I don't even know how you feel about me anymore because your words and actions fall somewhere between friend and wanna-be-girlfriend. I try to respect the boundaries you have established but you keep crossing mine. And I alternate between resigned acceptance that you'll never be ready to be with me, twinges of hope, crushing disappointment and then resigned acceptance.

I don't know how to navigate the waters on this one. I want to not control your decisions and actions but I seem to keep trying to do it. If I didn't care for you as more than a friend, I could do it.

And at the same time, I keep trying to relate to you as only a friend but the reality is that I feel more for you than that. I simply can't react like your other friends. I simply can't.

I want to be there in the good times and the bad. I want to accept every part of you whether I like it or not. I want to love you unconditionally. And I want you to feel the same way towards me. I'm not talking getting married tomorrow, I'm talking knowing that no matter how good or bad either of us are to ourselves, each other, others that we can always count on one another.

I want to be there for you in the months ahead as you deal with your dui/dwi. I don't want you to feel that I'm judging you or that you can't count on me. And I realize that Saturday morning I should have just hugged you, asked if you were alright and then let it be. I made a mistake and for that I'm sorry. I wasn't very good friend material at that moment and I ask your forgivenss.

The reality is that both of us don't like to be abandoned. We don't like it when someone doesn't seem to like us. Both of us throw up a mask as if we don't care, but we do.

So I guess I need to ask myself if you're worth all of this and worth whatever the future brings: good or bad. And my answer is yes.

I guess when you're ready you will tell me if I'm worth it (good or bad) to you. Or you might respond with silence, for now or forever.

And I know that you have way more going on now that is more of a concern for you. And I don't presume to think that I'm even on your mind right now. But in the midst of your chaos I'm hoping that you'll be open to having one more friend on your side as you deal with everything.

As you know, I'm headed off on my journey soon. As such, I wanted to send this before I do so. If you want to put this topic aside for now or forever, I can understand. But for my own peace and happiness I needed to get these thoughts to you before leaving.

Believe it or not, I love you with my whole heart, mind, soul and body. The kind of love that doesn't even need affirmation from you. It's confusing and scary but I've come to accept it. I know that I have moments where I don't show it, but I really really do.

Thanks Andrea. I'm trying to learn those lessons and hope to not mess up myself too much along the way.

For example, I've started to wrestle with the guilt of not only chewing her out immediately after she was released from jail but also with the knowledge that I mixed in my own personal agenda at the same time.

I don't want to condone her drinking/driving and I don't want to minimize the dui. But also, I wish I could be there to support her as I'm sure she's slowly realizing the deep impact this will have on her life. I mean, if I had said "I'm choosing to walk away" while in a calm state and her in a sober one, I probably wouldn't be feeling this.

Like, my behavior is allowing her to have something else to focus on (her anger at me) rather than looking at the situation that she created.

Not sure if that makes sense, but if it does to anyone, feel free to give me some tips.

I basically just let her know that I'll be thinking of her as she goes through the legal system and that I wish I could be there to support her in a healthy fashion.

But some things I try to remind myself: her tendency is to blame someone else for her actions anyway, she is prone to minimizing her drinking anyway, she would probably manipulate me into helping her too much anyway. Also, I know my own weakness to enable her so it's good I won't be around physically.

And the truth is, in the dark of night when she's laying in bed, she'll be thinking. Anger burns away quickly, and I think once her anger at me fades, she'll be left with the reality of what she did to herself and what she did to cause me to be so upset with her.