The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok I am really trying to get the nerve up part of taking care of me.
I want to start to ask for what I want. I want affection from my husband. Affection he may not want to give, but I believe he is waiting for me to assert myself and ask. He ended a 3 year affair 9 months ago with a woman who wasn't affraid to go after what she wants. I think he liked that about her. I am jealous of her in that way. I feel that if I am going to make a go of this relationship and try to heal the wounds I need to learn to ask for what I want, including affection. The thing is I know I may be setting myself up for disappointment and so it makes me wonder if I am going against what I am supposed to be learning here.
What do you all think, has anyone tried this approach and do you think I am just asking for more heart ache or am I taking a step to stand up for me and what I need and want?
Please i need your experience and support and courage to do this.
I know in my own marriage with so much turmoil and hard feelings and fights because of my husbands drinking, he never knew how to read me.
There where times if he came near me, I would just pull away. He told me once that he was not a mind reader, that he didn't know what I wanted or when. He came from a very cold family where love is not expressed vocally and open shows of affection are frowned on. I grew up differently. To this day I do not hang up the phone with my parents or sister without telling them I love them. I tell my children dozens of times a day how much I love them, and I have an eighteen year old that still kisses me hello and goodbye no matter who is around.
With my husband it took time, but as I said I love you and recieved silence and reminded him how it hurt, he began saying it more often. A few times I did not answer him back when he would say it, and he would repeat that he loves me and I would say, see it is not nice to not hear it back. I began asking for kisses, reaching for his hand, or sitting on his lap. It became second nature even though it was something he was not used to. Even with sex, if I was in the mood, I began initiating it, rather than leave that always up to him.
At the begining there where hurt feelings, and I know it is not one partners responsibility to meet all of the others needs, but our spouses are not mind readers, and they can not always know what we would like, it is easier if we either tell or show them.
Tell your husband you would like more affection, or just reach for his hand or hug him. Don't have any expectations, it might take time.
Thats just what I needed to hear, now I just need to get up the courage to just go ahead and do it. I have always been afraid to ask for what I want. Didn't want to upset my a, or push him away. But I realize now that my bad attitude because I don't get my needs attended too, isn't making it any better. So I need to do this and I just pray I have the strength to do it.
I agree that there is no point in feeling resentment at not getting what you want when you have never asked for it.
I'd like to say, though - don't set yourself up for disappointment. He may not even know what you mean when you say 'affection'. Then you could feel even worse - "See, I asked for it and got the door slammed in my face, he just really doesn't love me ,blah blah blah..." For many women affection means hugs, sweet words, foot rubs, etc. For many men it means making sure the fluid levels in your car are good before you go on a trip.
I would say - if you want a hug, ask for a hug. If you want him to spend some time with you, say that, and have some suggestions - "let's go for a drive", 'let's go to the Auto show'. When my husband is on his days off I will sometimes call him up and ask him to meet me for lunch. This works much better than just saying "I want you to spend more time with me." It also doesn't hurt so much when he says no. It just means that he's not hungry, not that he doesn't love me.
It sounds as if you are experiencing heart ache now and are disappointed. You do not have anything to lose. You deserve affection and deserve to have your needs met. If you ask for what you need (and that is a wonderful idea!!) and don't receive what you need, you will not have lost anything, but will know where you stand.
I so appreciate the advice and it cements the reason why I come here. Thanks for your wisdom it really helps and feels great to know the I have you all here to support me.
