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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> He wants to meet
Post Info TOPIC: He wants to meet
Tracy


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He wants to meet
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My ABF has slipped over the past couple of weeks (after 6 months sober)after the death of his 5 month old nephew.  Last weekend he went missing and never got in touch then a couple of days ago I had to get in touch because my daughter needed her phone which he had.  He said he was trying to sort himself out was very angrey etc etc.  I stuck to the point told him needed the phone and money he had taken.  He dropped the phone off at my brother broken.  He said to my bro that he could nt face me needed time to sort self out.  I rang him told him he needs to fix the phone.  He rang again last night and said tracy none of this is personal to you.  I said I know but the fact is I keep getting hurt  he said he will be dropping off the money today and pick the phone up to be fixed, said we will hav a chat on sunday he needs to build himself up for itI have kept my calm, told him he could have sent a text so i new he was o.k.

I rang my sponsor in a panic this morning told her I can not meet him, I do not feel strong enough and I know the cycle.   We had a chat I realsie I have to do what is right for me.  see because I know this is a disease I struggle in my head with understanding him and doing what is right for me.  My sponsor said his recovery is his he chose to pick up the bottle instead of an AA tool.  She said my recovery is mine and I can use my al non tools to deal with this.  I went back to step one.

My boyfriend makes bad choices that get him introuble often I think at the mo he may be selling cannabis.  He is very unreliable if the going get tough he drinks although he is improving he still does not live life how I want to live mine and He gets alot more out of this relationship than I do.

I feel strong now I realsie I can not keep watch over his life, his choices , his drinking.  I am handing him over to hp.  Now back to me.  I have a good job, Two beautiful children and try and make good choices thinking of the consequences of these.  So in this frame of mind I realsie this relationship is making me emtionall ill.  I am fighting reality.  So I am going to explain this to him in a very copassionate way.  Tell him I love him but I need time to explore the life I want to live.  I need to focus on my recovery.  I will tell him handing the relationship over to Hp if we are meant to be we will come back together when we are healthier because at the mo this disease is having a great time with both of us emtionally, physically and spiritually.  I can not say it is over for ever and I will not tell him what he needs to do that is his choice .  I am just going to focus on me and give the rest to Hp.

Thanks for listening

-- Edited by Tracy on Saturday 21st of November 2009 10:13:02 AM

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canadianguy


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Hiya Tracy... sounds like you are working your program well, and you have a great sponsor support....  That is so true - we have choices all the way through - and your choices are to choose recovery....This post is a great working example of the old adage:  "he will either drink or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?".

One area of awareness, that I think we all fall into this trap from time to time.... When we tell our active A's that we still love them, there is hope, etc....  we're telling them from our hearts, but need to remember that they may or may not be in a healthy enough position to accept that in healthy ways..... In my experience, when I told my active A those things, it was invariably twisted around and manipulated to serve her, and her addiction....

Food for thought....

Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
DreamXL


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Tracy....good for you...:) keep working it ......

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Mattie


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Good for you, I wish I had been that self-aware when my A relapsed.  In my experience the danger point is telling them the news at length.  Somehow I always had an unconscious expectation/need for him to agree or understand or accept or even not accuse me.  And he didn't and I was caught up in trying to "win" and "make him understand" again.  I don't know why it's so hard to let it go.  But even being in a disagreement or explaining it patiently is a way to stay engaged.  I hope you can move on without all that -- I always found it almost impossible, and it was always agonizing, the amount I tried to reengage.  I can't say I've gotten much better at it.

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xeno59


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Tracy,
Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Turing it over to HP, workin your program, talkin with sponsor etc.
Keep up the great work

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Debilyn


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Wow Tracy thank you for sharing your esh! You sound very good and making great choices too.

I know it is still hard because you do love him. By doing what you are doing proves you do. The disease does not have a hold on you, he can see that. He cannot have you and use.

He would never want to hurt you on purpose.

Anyway great share! thank you, love,debilyn

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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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maresie


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If he is an addict he will not be able to hear any of your explanations.  Al lhe will feel is that you left him.  I would suggest reading Getting them Sober.  i thnk that book can help you dispel your iillusions that the drugs do not have a hold of every fiber of his being and your compassion does nothing for him at all.  I really believe that showing compassion to an addict is actually something they despise when the are in full addict mode.  All they see, hear know is how they can use some more.   My ESH. 

Maresie.

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maresie
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