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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Why does it still bother me?
Post Info TOPIC: Why does it still bother me?
Sincerely


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Why does it still bother me?
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Hello Everyone!

Why does it still bother me that my husband can't be there for me?
I know that when we put expectations on someone other than GOD we are let down.
I don't think its expectations, I think its hope or wishes.  What's the difference?  I dunno sometimes.

I've set a boundary and asked him to leave.  That was 3 months ago.  I know I don't want a future with this man.  But why do I still long for his complient or for him to lend a helping hand or to offer assistance?  I know he is not capable of it.  All I am doing is allowing him to suck MY energy out of me when I get upset that he is selfish.

As crazy as it sounds, my head is confident that I'm moving forward without him.  I've followed my heart so many times in the past 10 years only to have had it broken.

I am certain that GOD has blessed the broken road of the past and is leading me into a beautiful tomorrow.  Today is great!  I have a beautiful home that I can afford (although it leaves me penniless after), I have a fantastic career that I love (how blessed to love your job and make great money too).  It felt so great at church when the pastor opened the alter for anyone needing special prayer.  I didn't need anything, GOD has given me a life of peace in my home and beautiful blessing.  I am grateful, but yet still so confused at times.  The hurt that I sometimes get in my heart from my A confuses me so much at times - cause I know he's not my future.  Why can't I shake it?

Sincerely,
Tonya

PS 
Well, I notice progress in my life.  It's friday night and i'm about to get out and enjoy the evening.  In the past I would have climbed in bed and sulked.  Progress, not perfection is what I keep telling myself.



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With love in recovery, 

Sincerely
wp


~*Service Worker*~

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Keep up the good work taking care of you:) pw

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Mattie


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I don't know if this is a program answer, so disregard it if I'm totally off base.  But I don't think it's unrealistic to expect support and responsiveness from reliable people.  If it were unrealistic to expect any support or responsiveness from anyone, ever, we could all just stay with raging alcoholics and be happy.  But I think we come to realize that we can't expect support from alcoholics, because they're having a relationship with the bottle, not with us.

What I've come to think is that when I want support and caring from an alcoholic, that's a sign that I really want support and caring in my life.  That's just human, right?  We're all social creatures; we're designed to live with other people, in families and communities and relationships, not off by ourselves in the middle of the wilderness, never speaking to anyone.  So that's my inner voice telling me that support and caring are important to me. What's unrealistic is to expect it from an alcoholic.  He just can't do it.  Even if he wants to, he has to clear up his own relationship with alcohol before he can be there for someone else.  But that doesn't mean it's unrealistic of me to want caring people in my life.  Does that make any sense?

It's so great that you're able to get out on a Friday night.  It says to me that you're there for yourself, even if your AH can't be.

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nmike


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(((((Tonya)))))

Mattie said it so well. It is not wanting it from the alcoholic that can't give it to you. It is wanting something to fill a human need. The weekends are the worst for me. My AHsober moved out. Selfish, self will, and more selfish. He doesn't treat me very well. But on the weekends, I have a sinking spell wishing he could share my life with me. Not going to happen because he won't work a program.

So, like you, I try to take care of myself. I meet my needs with other people. Way to work your program.

In support
Nancy

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Debilyn


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Hon my esh tells me it is time. After a certain amount of time for all of us, we come to "Believe" he is not capable so why ask?

You just made me realized I do not expect, wish, hope or anything from the A. I think we hang on cuz just maybe they will get better....

We hope for the best for anyone we love right?

It is such a sad thing he lost  you.  I am so glad you are moving fw. so well.  You are healing! love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Karilynn


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((((Sincerely))),

You're still in mourning for the realtionship that once was.  That's okay.  You don't long for the alcoholic, you long for the man you fell in love with. heart.gif This is gonna take some time.  Be gentle on yourself.  Realize what it is and that it's okay.  You're getting on with your life.  Good for you! w00t.gif You'll be just fine.  Much love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty aww

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