The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to spend the next hundred years taking the inventory of the ex A. What I've learned recently from watching other people engaging in the madness of trying to squeeze something out of an alcoholic is that I had my part. One sure thing is the more impossible the relationship was, the higher the stakes, the worse the picture, the more impossible it was, that my commitment was at its highest. Somehow there was some great romantic illusion about loving someone supposedly (I'm not even sure it was love) connecting with someone whose life was an absolute shambles and proving what a wonderful person I was in the process! Needless to say I never did suceed and in fact became a very very nasty person in the process. So much for my reality.
I have decided it is over with my ABF, but the crazyness seems to be getting worse. I am waiting for this sick person to come running and show his love, dedication and pay me back for all the hurt (I have put myself through).
My thinking is crazy one minute I am in total reality this is the end, I can have a better life , its not personal he is ill. The next I am wondering why he isnt ringing to apologise and start the cycle again.
The truth is he carnt face me cause of the guilt. He is o.k at the moment and will contact me in the future when he needs me or when enough time as passed for me to miss him enough to make me weak.
I am gld you are out of this battle you show me there is life after living with this terrible illness, just hope I have the strenght.
I don't actually think I am out of the battle at all. Leavig is one thing, examining it is another. I don't know that I will be "out of anything" until I know what I did rather than obsess on what he did to me and what it cost me.
"the more impossible the relationship was, the higher the stakes, the worse the picture.." I might add, all the more exciting, thrilling and addicting!!
I like what you said also about somehow there was this romantic illusion that loving someone in such shambles somehow proves to us what a good person we are.
You have triggered a memory in me....
I was married for 11 months to another man before I met my ex-aH. This man was very successful even at his young age of 20 something. He was also very money oriented - to a fault. I moved to his town, to his house, and struggled to find work of my own in a saturated field. I loved this man, but he was immature and selfish. He always threw in my face my lack of financial security. I hated it. He was unfaithful and I left him after 11 mos. I was sad and wounded.
Enter stage right my ex-aH. He had no sense of financial security. I chose to believe that he was "carefree", not irresponsible. He was opposite of what my first husband was in almost every way. His life was in shambles and I was going to love him anyways!!!! Did I do this partly to prove to my first husband what a good person I was for loving somone so poor and opposite him??!!! You have made me wonder about that possibility that I never considered before. thank you.
Rora, that is such a helpful way of thinking about it -- that really struck a chord for me. "My choices, my results." I need to put that up somewhere where I can look at it.
I'm not so sure it is a matter of choice. I never felt I had any choice at all when dealing with the A. Indeed to leave him I had to accept very very reduced circumstances and considerable hardship. I believe he was a great "actor" he would say whatever I needed to hear then promptly go about dismantling our life.
Choice was not something I could entertain without al anon. I certainly don't like having an alcoholic sister. I would like one who could be "there" for me and someone to interact with I choose not to engage with her but I can't say it is an easy choice. Basically I don't have a sister or any family to speak of they are all very very ill.
