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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Would like an alanon perspective please
Post Info TOPIC: Would like an alanon perspective please
grateful


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Would like an alanon perspective please
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I've been an alanon member for about 6 years now. When I started I was married to an active abusive alcoholic, and we divorced. I began working on myself and found myself quite serene most days. I began a relationship with a terrific normal man who was everything I wanted in a partner. He moved in with me and my family, and we began quite a happy life together. I thanked God everyday for the happiness and blessings bestowed on us.
Last week his exwife called and said she doesn't want any responsiblities anymore. Take the house, and full guardianship of their handicapped son. And also the other son now is out of control and take care of this also. This 18 year old has a drug (pot) addiction, acts out, listens to no one.
My loving man has asked me to leave my home to move into his. It is a much nicer home, more than I could ever afford. The neighborhood and school system is better for my 12 year old son. His handicapped son has nursing most of the time, so help is there. What gives me alarms is the son with the drug problem. His father has been trying to reach him as long as I have known him, and this young man fights all the way.
He is a stereotypical addict, blaming others, not accepting responsiblities for his behavior.
I do want to be where ever my man is, but I know what I'm in for with this son. I've been there already. I know the pain and struggle involved. I've set my boundries, no drug use at the house. The son must repair the damage to the house he's done, ie: holes in the walls. And I must go to my alanon meetings.
I am so torn over this.....the last thing I ever wanted in my life was to live with an active user.
lol I told my mom that this must be Gods will that I come into these childrens lives...but it sure would have been nice if He would have asked...



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Tiger2006


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On the one hand, this is the gift of the program: you are recieving an opportunity to practice your program in the most tense of situations. Usually, it's here that we learn what we're really made of, what our program really is.
On the other hand, you're absolutely right that you know what you're in for, so that'll shape your expectations.
If it were me, I would be willing to let go of the relationship. I've worked so hard for my recovery, I simply can't imagine trading it for anything. Anythign that comes before my recovery, I lose it. I mean, it's a reflection of who I am how I handle exceptional circumstances; to me, this is an exceptional opportunities with exceptionally high stakes.

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Debilyn


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Of course my first thought is, did he ask you to marry him?

G I will tell you what I would do. I would stay where I am. Then see the man in his own home and situation. Take time to evaluate the situation, see for real how it is.

I don't care if the handicapped child has a nurse. Living with a child with challenges is always stressful and very, very taxing. I LOVED working with our students, was with them more than there parents, but it can be very hard on a person. Not the physical, but the emotions you go through realizing what they have to go through, what they will never have or be.

I don't know what the condition is but if this child has a nurse it must be pretty serious.

Then you have a young adult, out of control addict. Who's mother just abandoned! PLUS this child  yes he is a child still, has a lot of his life been competing for the attention of parents who had a handicapped child. That can bring on obstacles you don't even realized.

This kid is crying out for help!

How do you think it would be for him to now have his dad move in, and bring a stranger with him? Not even his wife! You are a stranger no matter what, as you are in this older childs home.

Fix the house damage?? That is the least of the problem hon. The least. Plus that call is the fathers only. When a person moves into a ready made family they support the parent only, they do not have anything to do with the kids but to be a friend. Anything else will tear  them all apart.

Plus the mom, if she has been there this long, will be back. I am sure she is so burnt out, and at her wits end. Where has the dad been in all this? 
 

I know you are torn. I would be too. For sure I would NOT move in. BUT I would give support and take a day at a time with this.

As far as the house,it is just a thing. The area, a thing. Plus is the ex going to legally sign off the house and off any rights to the kids? Is this going to mean court stuff??

Emotions in this situation would surely be confusing. I am sure you feel so happy and I see why. I am so so happy you met someone special! It concerns me however what will happen to jump into anything without fully seeing what it all entails.

Again if it were me, I know I would keep seeing him, allow him to get his foundation down in his own situation. I see he moved in with you, now wants you to come with him into this. For me I would want to see him get his own world set and functional, then gradually get used to the idea of being a family in the same home.

If you guys have something that truly is strong, doing this wisely will make your relationship stronger.

As far as Al Anon....that is a drop in the bucket. OF course it is very important! Very, and it would help even if there were no A involved. There is sooooo much more going on here.
Geez plus I just remembered you have a child of your own! For me that would come first. I don't care if the home, school system was gold. That does not matter! To me I would be bringing a 12 year old which by the way is a MAJOR milestone time for a boy, into this situation, taking him out of a place that is home and serene to him. He just got used to a man moving into his home. New school, new people, new house, new HUGE obstacles....

Well I hope I did not say too much! I am seriously thinking if it were me. Knowing what I know in all my esh.

Please please keep coming and sharing. No matter what I am here for you. We all have to make our own decisions. True friends will support us even if we do not agree.

hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
canadianguy


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Yikes....  I think you asked for Al-Anon perspective, and not advice as to whether or not you should go with him...  :)

It would seem to me that these are very legitimate concerns, and hopefully you're voicing these same thoughts/concerns with your man....  I would say that you are better armed with your knowledge and tools than ever before, so you're capable of weathering this storm.....  I guess my "advice" to you would be to simply honor yourself in all of this - figure out the answer to the question "am I better off with him or without him?".  As long as "loving you" is a big part of your thought process in all of this, I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you...

Take care
Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
grateful


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tytyty....you have all said things that I needed to hear, and have thought. My goal in all of this is to keep my sanity. His son has cerebral palsy, profound brain damage. I've been a nurse in the er for twenty years. I absolutely know what taking care of him entails.
The father has asked me to marry him many times, I've said yes, when I am ready, I'm recovering still and still backslide into my old ways of thinking. I am committed to him totally, but am very marriage shy.
After much thinking and praying, I had decided that he needs to move back and set the foundation. I had come to this before I read what was written. I just know that at this point of my life I can't live with someone who is using.
And yes there is a court date set for January, it will all be legal with regards to the house and handicapped son.
At any rate, I need to take the time for me, and my kids, and my relationship with him and his kids.
Love you all.......

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Debilyn


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I am honestly still very happy for you and him! We all have our baggage, but with love and friendship we can make it all work!

Its so cool you two found each other! love,debilyn

__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
grateful


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An update.....when he came home, he told me he had been thinking, and then proceeded to tell me everything that I had decided on.....ty hp..

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maresie


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Why not go over there on the weekends.   Set a plan in motion.  Your "partner" would need to get help, serious help for dealing with the son.  Can they put that in place.  I get the mpression he wants to hand over some of the problem to you.  There is no way, absolutely no way, I personally would entertain taking on someone with problems anymore.  I've been there done that and shut up the shop.
Personally I'd rather take the bad neighborhood and wait it out.
Maresie.

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maresie
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Would like an alanon perspective please