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Hi everyone, I went to my first family class with my A last week. He is required to take intensive outpatient therapy at this couseling center four nights a week two hours a night. One night a week is family night, and I did not go to the first three because he got the couselor at the rehab place to kinda of gang up on me there right before he got out, because I asked him a couple of times if the kids and I are such a stress point then maybe he should think about finding an apt and living on his own for awhile until he has come to terms to his new sobiety. He thought I just wanted to throw him out, which I did not but the kids and I were doing just fine without him and the crap with him at the time. Know what I mean?
So I went to class last week because he was driving me up a wall all day, and he had drunk that Saturaday before and I wanted an answer to my question. The class was about "Boundaries" and he was telling me what I could and could not say before we got there. Well, I talked and talked, and asked and asked questions of everyone and the couselor who told me that if my A was driving with privilages, and making me be the asshole because I did not want him driving my car and him making me feel so bad because I would tell him no... and if he was not doing the homework, and was not respecting my personal boundries than he was only a absentee - (dry drunk) and not a recovering A and he was telling them. I asked her - when is enough - enough - I told them about throwing him out to sleep in the trailer outside and locking the door so he can't get back in, and that I do want to throw him out, but he is the father of my three sons, and how is that going to look if I make their father homeless to them?
She said - that I would be shoulding them that I am being the responsible one - parent- and protecting them and myself as I need to do. That they will understand that I am talking the responbility of raising them and do what is necessary. I felt so great after this class, and my A was very shock and speechless afterwards, and I told him on the way home, - Not to ask for my keys, not to cross those boundries, the personal and lawful ones anymore, and I am willing and will throw him out if he choses to drink again for any reason. I have had enough. He goes I thought you would feel better after going to class, I told him do, and that he needs to respect that and the changes I have made for me and kids. He started doing his homework, and has been easier to live with this last week. I just wanted to tell you all thank you for listening, and that you have helped so much. I enjoy coming here and talking to you.
That is GREAT to hear :) I know how difficult it can be to enforce your boundaries, especially when it comes to children because they don't quite understand. I have two children whom I've had to do this with for 9 years since divorcing their Dad and although, I've given them ALL of the resources available to help them get healthy and make good choices, my daughter chooses to stay in the codependent relationship with her Dad. I'm starting to realize as they get older that all we can do is give them the best we can give them and as they grow they will either accept it or reject it and there is nothing we can do about it. However, one thing is certain because I have made all attempts at providing them with a healthier life, not allowing people to overstep boundaries and perservering in what is right, I always have peace within me despite the choices they make. Of course, it hurts, but the peace remains and my relationship with God is strong, gets me through.
Always remember that consistency is important when choosing to make YOUR decisions. Children need that stability more than anything and with that they have a window of opportunity and freedom to make their own choices.
I like what you said and how you laid it on the line regarding his doing his homework, etc. Good for you. Keep up the great attitude and take care of you and your family. Love and blessings, Annie
