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I know it is a choice and I don't want to feel guilty - I think it is the hardest emotion for me to control. My AH has offered up what he feels he can do to save the marriage. I have been through this before and of course, I don't have faith. Nor, does it change how I feel about him or our marriage. I didn't ask him to "fix" anything. I just quietly listened to him and continued with my plans to leave the marriage. This much I know - we can choose to be happy, sad, angry - but we don't choose to fall inlove and we don't choose to fall out of love. He thinks I can fall back into love because he is willing to work on the marriage (again). I have worked on the marriage and it isn't working - so because he has decided now is good for him, I guess I should give him a chance. But I can't change how I feel - I don't want him touching me, I don't feel close to him and I do not love him. He senses all this and asked me last night what he is doing wrong again. (I feel guilty that he feels I think he is always doing something wrong - I am wrong too). He said he is doing everything I asked of him. I told him I have asked nothing of him - he/you offered it up to try and save our marriage. So, he said well I guess that is just it - you have already decided it is over and nothing is going to work. Actually, I did say it was over and he just went into denial. Actually, it went from anger to denial. He used the catch phrases as "what's the point, you aren't willing to try, I don't know what you want anymore..." I had no comment. I don't bellieve I can turn that switch on - nor do I know how. I told him that his promises of fixing things before (drinking, criticizing, etc.) haven't held well, so I have little faith they will this time either. I guess what is making me feel guilty is I am feeling it is entirely my fault the marriage is ending - entirely responsible for falling out of love - entirely at fault for giving up - entirely at fault for not trusting him - entirely at fault for being the quitter. I know it is a choice. I know it takes two in a marriage. I know all this, but I can't shake the guilt or the fear of what I am going to face when I go home tonight. In my husband's dry drunk state he is very paranoid and monitors all I do. Last night I went out with my girlfriends and was home by 10:30. He said he won't be paranoid anymore but I find it interesting that all this comes up when I get home from my 3 hours away from him. I guess what else pisses me off is he still believes himself to be at little fault with all that is wrong. Damm, this is just so hard. And, the way it is going, a drunk is likely to come on, because now he can justify it. I just pushed all the right buttons!
I am sorry everyone. I needed to vent and I need some feedback. I am slipping...
Wow ,when I was reading your post I felt like I was the one who wrote it.I am going through similar situation.I feel so guilty too.I realize it takes two to work on a marriage but dammit I tried and now he wants to work on it...give me a break dude really ?? I feel like a prisoner he hacks my emails ,cloned my simcard on my phone hell he's probably got gps tracker on my car.Believe me he's paranoid too.He says the marriage will end because of me.You know I don't know what to tell you because I'm not sure myself.I just know it's not fair to have to feel this way and I wanted you to know you're not alone.I will pray for you...
Thank you Cassidy. It is nice to know others get what I am talking about. Yes, I have heard the GPS threat too and my phone calls are monitored (he even checks the numbers on the internet). And, I make him act that way - he says. It is hard. I buy in to the guilt so easily and it is the hardest thing for me to overcome. I am dreading going home tonight, because I know the conversation will pick up where we left off and it won't be good. I will work on getting rid of this feeling. We are deserving of making ourselves happy. We should be able to do things with friends and family (hell even work stuff) without fear of reprisal. We are all entitled to life without fear. They are fearful too - that they will lose us. But, they don't get that what they do, makes us want to leave. Yes, life isn't fair but we need to , I guess, fight to gain control of what we can control. They aren't going to go away - I have kids so he is always connected to me. So I guess I best start workign on this guilt thing now. Thanks Cassidy, I will pray for you too.
I certainly understand your dilema Dini - loving an alcoholic is hard to do and after a few yrs of broken promises , we tend to shut down I too have been there . Indifference is a terrible place to live , cold and lonely, was there for way too many years/ for various reasons I chose not to leave my marriage most of th em selfish on m y part , but i told myself i would work this program as hard as I could for 1 yr and if I wasnt any happier i would leave . the yr came and went so fast i learned how to get happy right where I was , while he continued to drink for a nother 3 yrs . We separated for a few months and I knew I could not live with a practicing alcoholic again , it was sober and AA or nothin . I was done . 20 yrs later * no slips* were still h ere and it just gets better. Life is good . If your not already attending Al-Anon meetngs f2f please go , go for you not for the marriage , your life has been affected by someones drinking and u too need to reover or Trust me U will do this again . Give this program 6 months if u can , change what u can YOU and see how u feel then . good luck Louise
