The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things in my life seem to have settled somewhat and for that I am grateful.
I however am and have been struggling with worry and letting go and trying to just live in THIS day. I know all the reasons I should and I know that I should but it is just hard to do right now.
I am having to have surgery the week before Christmas. There is a fear in that, in that whatever they take out will be biopsied, and this is the second time, with the same time of problem. The Dr will also be removing my ovary due to the condition and that in itself has my hormones ALL over the place. I am ALWAYS exhausted. I get to work ok, but come home and fall out. I go from the door, to the shower, to bed, and most nights like last night I fall asleep by 6:30-7:00 and sleep til 5:30 am the next day. I have NO energy and am watching my house and other things that need done just fall down around me. I will also have to go back in January and have a second surgery. My mother is 76 and disabled to the point that she can not even check her own mail. I run her errands, bring her food, do her wash and take care of her house-all to the best of my ability. I have an older brother that lives down the road (about 5 houses) but I think most days he forgets he has a mother, and that in itself INFURIATES me. His wife however is a blessing but has her own life issues to deal with also.
My son still believes in Santa and I won't have that taken from him, as I am sure this will be the last year he does. Work is at it's peak right now......clear through when I will be going off on medical leave so there is no way I can not be here now. There is just SO MUCH going on right now...everyday.......clear up til surgery day....My time to get things done and get my home and mom ready for Christmas and get work ready for me to be off for two weeks is crunched and I just feel so overwelmed. I know my program teaches me to be in the now........to live just for this day only, but with so much pending and so many people counting on me, I just feel like crying, sleeping and crying....I feel SO BAD that I am exhausted and can barely get through the work day. I feel like chit that my son is eating cereal for dinner and tucking himself in. (he said last night that he came in and hugged me and kissed me good night and i didn't even move) It's not right for him to be left on his own like that. I can deal with the pain, and I can deal with the worry and the not knowing, but I can't deal with being a crappy mother. That is the one thing I have always taken pride in.
Thanks for letting me share........any ESH is always welcome...
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
First you gotta quit beating yourself up, you can only do what you can do and everyone will live. Your son will be fine and it is probably good for him to have to do a little taking care of himself here and there. You don't have to be superwoman. No wonder you're exhausted!
Hi Shelly Please be gentle with yourself. You are sick, tired and exhausted.
You are NOT a bad mother!!!!
Your son understands that you ae not up to par and he will rise to the occasion and help out. I do believe it is time to call on your brother and ask him to check up on mom until you have recovered from surgery.
Alanon slogan: Take the action let go of the results and Keep it simple come to mind.
I completely agree with the others who have posted. Give yourself a break, from the guilt I mean.
You sound like a wonderful, loving mother, and a small period where you can't be the kind of mom you want to be can't undo the many years of great you have clearly given your son already. Someone once told me, and I agree, that kids are very resilient.
There may be help in unexpected places. Have you asked? Is there anything that you can let go? My house looks like crap because I am just too busy. Meals are noodles. Wish I had more then that to give to you.
